Step 2: Measure how serious they are
Your next step is to discern if they’re ready to be encouraged.
Say a friend comes to you and is telling you about how he’s really struggling with his credit card debt. He also knows you recently got out of debt yourself.
You’ve listened to him talk, empathized with him, and now you’re going to ask him one simple question:
How serious are you?
This is key. If your friend’s answer is anything other than, I’m very serious. I’m ready to do anything to get out of debt, they don’t want your encouragement and probably just wanted to just complain or feel validated.
In that case, just smile and say, You’re doing great. I’m sure you’ll figure things out. Anything more than that would be a waste of time and energy for you.
However, if they communicate that they’re ready for genuine encouragement, move onto the next step.
Step 3: Give them genuine encouragement
Like giving a good compliment, encouraging someone requires authenticity. That’s why you should avoid giving meaningless platitudes like:
- Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
- The universe never gives you more than you can handle!
- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!
In fact, NEVER utter any of the phrases above out loud to anyone. The world will be better for it.
Instead, a genuine encouragement acknowledges their struggles and offers a potential solution to their problems.
Let’s take your friend who’s talking to you about debt. After listening you ask, How serious are you?
SCENARIO 1: I want to get out of debt! I’m just awful with numbers and this economy is so lame and
Stop. They don’t really want to know a great system to get out of debt. They just want to complain and for you to listen to them.
YOUR ANSWER: Yeah, it’s tough. I just make sure I’m paying my bills each month.
Another scenario:
SCENARIO 2: Yeah, I’d really like to get out of debt. I’m trying this new thing where I’m cutting out lattes each month and skipping every other meal.
They’re not looking for technical advice. They just want to feel better about what they’re doing. In this case, validate them.
YOUR ANSWER: Good job. That sounds difficult.
Final scenario:
SCENARIO 3: I’m serious. I’ve been reading a few blogs about budgeting. I’ve been contributing X% of my paycheck towards my debt. How did you do it, You got out of debt so fast last year, I want to know how. I’ll do whatever you did.
Now your friend is ready for helpful, genuine encouragement. They’re showing that they’re ready to accept what you have to say and are eager to hear it.
YOUR ANSWER: Great! It sounds like you’re already doing a great job with the research and paying down your debt. Tell you what, send me an email with the amount of your debt and income and we’ll talk about what else you could be doing to crush your debt.
Notice two things with the last example, these are important:
- It seems unfathomably rare that anyone would actually say, I’m serious. I’ll do whatever you tell me to. Almost nobody ever says this, because almost nobody really wants advice to the level of following through. They want to complain, they want to feel validated, but fewer than 1 in 1,000 actually want to change their behavior. It took me 10 years to truly internalize this. Once you do, you’ll start to be more understanding and empathetic, instead of frustrated.
- Even though they say they are 100% serious, I still didn’t dive into the deep, technical how to because they are not ready. You’re doing them a favor by parceling out your advice, and you’re giving them a minor barrier to see how serious they really are. Anyone can say they’re serious. This is an example of using barriers strategically.
Once you offer your advice, close with an authentic compliment for the person you’re talking to. This helps reaffirm to them that they are capable of handling the situation and ends your encouragement on a high note.
Here’s a great example of one:
You: John, you’re going to do great. You’re one of the most motivated people I know.
Them: Why’s that?
You: After talking with you, I noticed you genuinely want to get out of your bad situation. Not only that, but you’re actively doing something about it. That’s something I couldn’t say for the majority of people out there.
Look at how this compliment is authentic and observational. You noticed something about them and responded authentically to it. Not only will this encourage the person you’re talking to, but they’ll appreciate you all the more for it.
In his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Dale Carnegie put it best:
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.?
People aren’t stupid. They know a weak compliment (or ‘flattery’ as Carnegie called it) when they hear it. They also know the value of a good authentic compliment and appreciate it.
Put these elements together and you can encourage anyone who’s ready for it.
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