How to Ask for a Reference (4 Simple Steps That Always Work)

Having strong references can be the key to landing your dream job. To request one effectively, choose the right people, send a clear permission email, provide talking points before your interview, and follow up afterward to maintain a positive, long-term professional relationship.

How to Ask for a Reference: The 4-Step Process

These four steps will help you secure strong, impactful recommendations every time.

Step 1: Choose people who know your recent work

Select three to four individuals who have worked with you recently or know your work well enough to provide specific, enthusiastic examples of your accomplishments. Ideal references include former managers, supervisors, coworkers who have worked closely with you on a day-to-day basis, or industry colleagues, mentors, or advisors who have moved alongside you in your career. 

The more recent your collaboration, the stronger and more detailed their reference will be, as they’ll have fresh memories of specific examples to share.

However, if you’re considering asking someone from your current job, you might need to tread carefully. Only request a reference if you’re confident they can keep your job search confidential, as you don’t want to risk alerting your employer before you’re ready. If you’re planning your exit from your current job, here’s a helpful guide on how to quit a job without burning bridges.

If you’re currently in your job search process and want to build a stronger professional network, these articles might be helpful as well: 

• How to Build a Network: Tips to Make Connections (+ Scripts)
• 33 Networking Tips: Non-Sleazy Advice That Actually Works

Step 2: Ask permission with a simple email

Always ask for permission before listing anyone as a reference. This prevents your reference from being caught off guard, which could hurt the quality of their recommendation. Use considerate language, such as: “Would you feel comfortable being a reference for me?” or “I understand your time is valuable, so don’t hesitate to let me know if this isn’t a good time.” If they hesitate, gracefully back out and move to your next option. 

For references you haven’t spoken to recently, send a slightly longer email to reconnect and provide context. Mention your shared work experience, explain the role you’re applying for and why it fits your skills, attach your updated resume, and give them an easy way to decline. This approach reminds them of your past collaboration and makes it easy for them to say yes with confidence.

Step 3: Prepare them beforehand so they say the right things

A few days before your interview (two to four days is ideal), send a concise follow-up email to your references with three key components: talking points about your achievements, your updated resume, and the job description. Attaching your resume ensures they can accurately quote your job title and understand the skills and experiences the hiring manager values most.

Provide a short list of three accomplishments you’d like them to emphasize so they know exactly what to highlight during the reference call.

Step 4: Follow up and thank them after you get hired

Once you’ve landed the job, immediately reach out to your references to share the good news and thank them for their support. Be specific about how their reference helped, whether it contributed to getting the job, negotiating better terms, or landing a higher salary. 

If you don’t get the job, it’s still a good idea to send a quick thank-you note to show appreciation for their time and effort. In both cases, offer to return the favor in the future by serving as a reference for them, turning a one-time favor into a lasting professional relationship.

The Best References for Your Job Search

Choosing the right people to provide references is key to backing up your performance and making a strong impression on hiring managers. Here are some good options to consider: 

Former managers or supervisors who saw your best work

Managers who directly supervised you are often the strongest references. They can speak to your performance, growth, and impact on the team, including how you handled challenges, took initiative, and contributed to goals in ways colleagues might not have seen. The more recently you worked under them, the more specific and compelling their examples will be during reference calls.

Former coworkers who witnessed your daily contributions

Coworkers who worked with you regularly can provide insights into your collaboration style, reliability, and day-to-day performance. They often remember specific projects and can speak authentically about what it’s like to work with you. Choose coworkers who respected your work and with whom you had a strong professional relationship throughout the collaboration.

Industry colleagues, mentors, or advisors who know your reputation

Mentors and advisors can highlight your professional growth, learning ability, and long-term potential in a way that short-term colleagues may not be able to. 

You can also consider industry colleagues or external stakeholders who are familiar with your work through associations, conferences, or collaborative projects. These contacts provide an outside perspective on your expertise and professional reputation, making them especially valuable when applying to companies where your industry standing matters.

Coaches, teachers, or volunteer connections (for early-career job seekers)

If you’re applying for your first job, connections like coaches, teachers, or mentors who know you well can speak to your character and potential. Volunteer leaders, club advisors, or academic mentors can also serve as strong references. They should be able to discuss your work ethic, reliability, ability to learn quickly, and how you handle responsibilities, even without traditional work experience.

Who you should never ask to be your reference

Avoid family and friends unless they’ve worked with you in a formal professional context where they supervised or collaborated with you on real projects. While personal references know you’re great, hiring managers want professional references who can speak objectively about your work performance and skills rather than personal relationships. 

Even listing a personal contact could create a negative impression, signaling to employers that you don’t have professional contacts who can vouch for your abilities. It may make them question your experience, credibility, or judgment in choosing references, which could subtly hurt your chances of moving forward in the hiring process.

Also, avoid asking someone you haven’t worked with recently or don’t have a strong relationship with anymore. A lukewarm reference can hurt more than having no reference at all.

How to Prepare Your References So They Say the Right Things

Getting a “yes” from your references is just the first step. To make sure they give a strong, effective recommendation, you need to prepare them properly. Here’s how:

Send them a briefing email before your interview

Ideally, you should aim to send them a preparation email at least two to four days before your interview. This timing gives them enough notice to review your information without forgetting key points. Include three key elements in your email:

• Explain why you’re excited about this specific job opportunity to show your reference why it matters to you and why they should be invested in helping you.
• Provide a short list of three achievements or strengths you’d like them to emphasize. This acts like a study guide, making it easy for them to recall and present concrete examples. You can also lightly mention the key projects you were involved in and let them highlight their own experiences.
• Attach your updated resume and the job description so they can accurately reference your role and tailor their recommendation to what the hiring manager actually cares about.

Provide them with specific talking points relevant to the role you’re applying for

This step prepares them for the hiring manager’s call so they are not caught off guard. This shows respect for their time and allows them to mentally organize their thoughts in advance.

Second, it gives them a concrete reason to be enthusiastic about recommending you. By sharing why this specific role excites you, your energy and purpose naturally come through in their tone during the conversation.

Third, providing a short list of key achievements or strengths prevents them from having to guess what to say. Like a study guide before a test, keep it concise so they can easily remember and clearly articulate your impact. Focusing on a few key strengths also avoids overwhelming them with a long email or too much detail.

Share your resume and the specific job description

When you share your resume with your reference, they can accurately quote your job title and responsibilities during the call. There is nothing worse than a mismatch between what you describe and what your reference says because of misremembered details.

Including the job description helps them understand the expectations for the new role. This allows them to give a more targeted recommendation that highlights what the hiring manager truly cares about, instead of offering generic praise.

The Last Mile: Thank Your References After You Get Hired

This is where most people stumble, but it’s also where you can stand out. When you receive good news, such as landing your dream job, notify your references within 24 to 48 hours. These are your biggest supporters, and they genuinely want to see you succeed and will be happy to have played a role in your achievement.

Send them a thank-you message sharing your success

References don’t expect money or favors in return. What they want most is to know that their time and effort made a real difference. Send a thank-you email or call them personally within 24 to 48 hours of accepting your offer. Be specific about how their reference helped, whether it contributed to landing the job, negotiating a higher salary, or securing better terms.

Here’s an example message you can use:

"Thank you so much for serving as my reference during this job search and taking time out of your day. That conversation with the hiring manager helped me land the role and negotiate a $5,000 raise on top of their initial offer. If you ever need a reference yourself or anything else I can help with, please let me know."

Imagine the satisfaction of helping someone achieve a big win. That sense of impact is worth more than any amount of money and is the first step to turning a one-time favor into a lasting professional relationship.

Common Mistakes That Weaken Your References

Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when listing references:

Listing someone as a reference without asking them first

Never list someone as a reference without asking, even if you’re confident they’ll agree. Doing so shows a lack of respect for their time and could lead to a poor recommendation if they’re caught off guard by a hiring manager’s call. Always give them the option to decline gracefully, using language like "Would you feel comfortable being a reference for me?" or letting them know it’s okay if the timing isn’t right.

Asking someone you haven't worked with recently or don't know well

Avoid asking someone to be a reference if you haven’t worked with them recently or no longer have a strong relationship. A lukewarm reference may raise red flags for hiring managers about your judgment and professional relationships. If you haven’t spoken to someone in over a year, reconnect first to ensure the request feels genuine and thoughtful.

Giving your references too much or too little information 

Be mindful of how much information you provide to your references. Too much, and they may feel overwhelmed and skip over important details. Too little, and they won’t know which points to emphasize or what the hiring manager cares about. Stick to the three-achievement formula in your preparation email to give them just the right amount of guidance without overloading them.

Forgetting to update your references when your job search changes

Always update your references if your job search shifts or you pivot to different roles. If you’re now interviewing for a role that requires a different skillset, let them know immediately so they can adjust their recommendation. For instance, a reference prepared to speak about your project management skills won’t be as effective if the position mostly requires sales expertise.

Assuming your reference remembers everything about your work together

Never assume your reference remembers all the details of your work together, especially if it’s been a while since you collaborated. Refresh their memory with specific projects, accomplishments, and metrics that show your impact. This ensures they can cite concrete examples instead of offering vague praise. Hiring managers are looking for specific stories and numbers, not generic statements like “They were a great employee.”

Skipping the follow-up after you land the job

Don’t skip the follow-up once you’ve landed the job. Doing so can burn a bridge unnecessarily and miss an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. This is your chance to turn a one-time favor into a long-term connection that benefits both of you throughout your careers. References who never hear back are less likely to help you again or recommend you to others in their network.

Strong references can open doors, amplify your achievements, and help you stand out in a competitive job market. By choosing the right people, asking permission thoughtfully, preparing them with key talking points, and following up after your success, you turn a simple favor into a lasting professional relationship that supports your career growth. 

For a deeper dive into building wealth, managing your career, and making your money work for you, check out my NYT bestselling book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, and start aligning your financial and professional goals today.