Quick answer: Yes, it is a form of financial abuse.
In this post, I’ll map out the signs of abusive financial infidelity, the psychological effects of having a financially abusive partner, and what you can do if you find yourself at the receiving end of financial infidelity.
Signs of Abusive Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity isn’t just a one-time slip-up. It’s a pattern of behavior that involves deception and control over money. Here’s what to look out for:
1. Intentional financial deception
We’re not talking about hiding a few bucks here and there. This is about keeping entire bank accounts secret, lying about income, or racking up debt without you knowing. It’s like living with a financial double agent.
2. Using money to manipulate or control
Your partner might withhold funds to make you dependent, demand receipts for every purchase, or question you like it’s an FBI interrogation every time you spend money. This isn’t about being smart with your finances; it’s about control.
3. Restricting access to financial information or resources
If you’re being denied access to bank accounts, can’t see the bills, or are left out of important financial decisions, that’s a major problem. Financial transparency is key in a healthy relationship.
Psychological Effects of Financial Infidelity
The emotional toll of financial infidelity is profound and far-reaching.. When financial infidelity comes to light, it can deeply affect your trust, stability and mental and emotional health in several ways.
Trust issues
Once financial trust is broken, it’s hard to rebuild. Financial infidelity can leave you constantly second-guessing your partner’s statements about money and even other aspects of your life together. You might find yourself feeling suspicious and doubtful, always wondering if there’s more that hasn’t been uncovered.
This ongoing suspicion can create a tense and emotionally exhausting atmosphere, eroding the foundation of trust that a healthy relationship relies on.
Anxiety and stress
The discovery of financial infidelity can trigger significant anxiety and stress. You might find yourself lying awake at night, worrying about the financial fallout—hidden debts, depleted savings, or potential financial ruin.
The constant fear of what else might be uncovered can cause chronic anxiety, leading to physical symptoms such as insomnia, headaches, or a constant sense of dread. The stress of not knowing whether you’ll be able to meet your financial obligations or whether your partner is being honest can be overwhelming.
Decreased confidence and self-esteem
Financial infidelity can have a lasting impact on your self-esteem and confidence, especially when it comes to financial matters. You might feel foolish for not seeing the signs, or guilty for trusting your partner with financial decisions.
This can damage your self-worth and make you hesitant to trust your own judgment in future relationships. You may avoid making financial decisions, fearing that you’ll make a mistake or be deceived again. Over time, these feelings can undermine your ability to manage your finances independently and confidently.
A Real Example of Abusive Financial Infidelity
Consider Halima’s story. She trusted her first husband, who worked in finance, to manage their money while she stayed home to raise their kids. Everything seemed fine—until the day she found out they were drowning in debt and their house was in foreclosure. Her husband had kept her completely in the dark, and by the time she realized what was happening, it was too late.
Halima: [00:23:05] I lost everything except for my children.
Ramit Sethi: [00:23:09] Do you mind telling me a little bit of what happened?
Halima: [00:23:11] No, I don’t mind. With my first marriage, I divorced my ex-husband because of financial infidelity.
Ramit Sethi: [00:23:22] What happened?
Halima: [00:23:24] We were going under, and I didn’t know. I was a high school teacher, and I had a great job, and I got pregnant with my firstborn and decided that I wanted to be a housewife and have babies, raise children. And that the man of the house was going to work. And my ex-husband was in banking. He was in finance. And to me, I feel like if you’re dealing with money, you know everything about money.
Ramit Sethi: [00:24:07] Ah.
Halima: [00:24:08] Yeah, yeah. The house that we purchased when I was working, we were going into foreclosure. He was responsible for all the bills, and I trusted him with that as any good wife. In the beginning, I was married to my ex for about 10 years, 12 years total, being together with him. So I trusted him, and I loved him.
The house was being sold because I thought that—I was pregnant with my second now. They’re only 16 months apart, and we needed to upgrade. We were living in a really small 1,200 square foot home, so we wanted to upgrade and buy something bigger and better. So for about six months while we were—we sold the house, but it was actually foreclosed. The bank took it.
Ramit Sethi: [00:25:10] You didn’t know this?
Halima: [00:25:11] I didn’t know this. I didn’t know this.
Ramit Sethi: [00:25:13] Wow.
Halima: [00:25:13] We ended up renting a house. And while we were renting this house and sold our home, with that money, we were going to buy something bigger. So for about six months, I became really, really good friends with the real estate agent that we were working with because my Saturdays and Sundays would be going to look at homes with him. Even weekdays, we’d look at homes. So it was this grand plan for him to drag things on because he knew that once I found out, I was going to leave him.
And it ended the day after Halloween, on November 1st, 2019. We got a knock on the door. It was the owner of the house with the sheriff, another cop, evicting us. My son, at the time, was about 18 months old. My daughter was a little bit older. They were both in diapers, and I still have the hamper that’s downstairs that I was able to fill in with whatever I could. And that’s how I left the house.
And my whole foundation, my whole world came crashing down. Long story short, he left the country because there was really nowhere else for him to go. Nobody trusted him anymore. He was borrowing money left and right. Nobody believed him anymore. And he left me with the two babies.
Halima’s experience shows that financial infidelity isn’t just a matter of dollars and cents—it’s a betrayal that can leave lasting scars.
What To Do If You Discover Financial Infidelity
Discovering financial infidelity can be shocking, but it’s important to approach the situation carefully. Here are some steps to take when confronting your partner:
Before confrontation
Discovering financial infidelity is a shock, and it’s normal to feel a range of emotions, from anger to sadness to betrayal. But before confronting your partner, take some practical steps to protect yourself.
Protect yourself
First, make sure you have control over your own money. Open individual bank accounts and direct your income into them. Change passwords on all your financial accounts and ensure your financial documents are secure.
Remain calm and stay vigilant
As hard as it might be, try to stay calm. Confronting your partner without solid evidence can lead to denial and defensiveness. Keep an eye out for red flags, like unexplained expenses, secretive behavior, or hidden accounts. Document anything suspicious. Gather bank statements, credit card bills, and other financial records that can help you piece together the truth.
Gather sufficient evidence
Before you make any moves, make sure you have a clear understanding of what’s going on:
- Document everything: Keep a detailed record of any suspicious financial activities you observe.
- Collect financial statements: Gather bank statements, credit card bills, tax returns, and investment account information.
- Track unusual transactions: Note any large withdrawals, transfers, or purchases that seem out of the ordinary.
- Preserve digital evidence: Save emails, text messages, or other communications that may indicate financial dishonesty.
After confrontation
If your suspicions are confirmed, you have some important decisions to make.
Proceed with divorce
If the financial infidelity has caused irreparable damage to your marriage, consulting professionals can help you navigate the process and protect your interests.
Hire a divorce attorney
A divorce attorney can provide critical advice on your legal options and help protect your financial interests. They can guide you through the legal process, help you understand your rights, and ensure that you’re taking the necessary steps to secure your financial future. If there is a threat of harm, they can also assist in obtaining restraining orders or other legal protections.
Seek out a forensic accountant
These professionals specialize in uncovering hidden assets and complex financial maneuvers, ensuring that all marital assets are accounted for. They can provide a detailed financial analysis to identify discrepancies or signs of fraud.
A forensic accountant’s findings can be used in court to support your case and ensure a fair settlement. Having a clear picture of your financial situation is crucial in divorce proceedings, especially when financial infidelity is involved.
Attempt to reconcile
Not every instance of financial infidelity ends in divorce. If you’re open to reconciliation, it’s crucial to proceed with caution. Seek legal advice to understand your rights and options.
It’s possible to rebuild trust, but only if your partner is willing to take responsibility for their actions and work on rebuilding the relationship. This often involves individual therapy, couples counseling, and a commitment to financial transparency moving forward.
Recovering from Abusive Financial Infidelity
Acknowledging that you’ve been a victim of financial abuse is the first step toward healing. It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, and recovery will take time. Remember, you’re not alone, and seeking support is crucial.
Seek professional help
Therapy can provide a safe space to process your emotions and start healing. Support groups can also offer understanding and solidarity from others who have gone through similar experiences. Consulting with a financial advisor can help you regain control of your finances and plan for a secure future.
Work on your own money psychology
Financial infidelity can leave deep scars on how you view money and financial decisions. Identify any negative beliefs or “invisible scripts” that might have developed. Take steps to educate yourself about healthy financial habits, such as budgeting and saving, to rebuild your confidence.
Improve Your Relationship With Money
While you can’t change your partner’s actions, you can take steps to protect yourself and your finances. Educate yourself about financial management and healthy relationship dynamics. Knowledge is empowering and can help you feel more secure moving forward.
For more insights into navigating financial challenges in relationships, check out my new book, Money for Couples packed with real-life stories and practical advice from couples who’ve faced similar struggles.
