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“Help! My mind ‘goes blank’ when I talk to people”

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Let’s COUNT the ways that some of you have been socially awkward when meeting new people:

  • You walk up to 2 people talking. Stand there awkwardly while waiting for one of them to notice you. Wish for death
  • You start telling a story to a group of people and — in the middle of it — realize the story sucks. Continue anyway
  • You go to an event and instead of meeting people, pull out your phone and furiously check email

To my socially awkward IWT readers: I know the feeling. The stylish, charming Ramit Sethi you now know wasn’t always so smooth.

I would walk into meetings and make a point, then writhe in pain at the silence in the room, since nobody understood what point I was making. Once, on a phone call after I’d spent 2 minutes talking, one person paused and said, “So…what exactly do you want?” I had no reply.

The good news is, you can improve at having better conversations, more fun, and even become more attractive.

So today, I wanted to share a question from IWT reader Emily S.:

“How do you approach companies/or anything else when you don’t have any confidence? I seem to go mentally blank. And the words don’t come out at all. Backwards and not in order.”

I know the feeling. When I’m with friends, I have the BEST stories. But if I meet a group of people I don’t know, suddenly I have nothing to say. Most people just think “that’s how it goes,” but you can actually treat this as a skill and improve it.

Here — I just posted a video showing how to improve social skills. I compressed some of my best insights into this short video.

  • My best strategy for overcoming anxiousness and having something to talk about (so you’ll have good conversation and people will think you’re interesting) (1:22)
  • A system to come up with questions that will pull people into conversation with you (3:02)
  • The skill you can practice that, once you master it, will make people believe you were “born” confident and eloquent (3:52)
  • How to go from socially dysfunctional to competent and confident (4:13)

Watch the video, then respond to this question in the comments below:

What’s one thing you would you do right now if you had more confidence? Also, if you have any embarrassing stories about doing something socially awkward, share them.

I bought some new popcorn so I’m looking forward to reading these.

P.S. If you’re interested in diving even deeper, check out this video where I tear down my own TV appearance and provide exact tactics on how to immediately improve your social skills in under 30 minutes.

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DS
DS
2 years 2 months ago

If I were more confident, I’d sit down next to you on the couch, look straight into your eyes, and calmly ask if I can share your popcorn.

Nicola
2 years 2 months ago

Lol! You cracked me up with this!

Big Bang
Big Bang
2 years 1 month ago

Hey your talking cool so where sheldon and the gang

Marcus Kalvik
Marcus Kalvik
2 months 1 day ago

HAHA!
I imagined this so intensely that I immideately just broke down in tears xD
Thanks for the laugh!

Patrick
Patrick
2 years 2 months ago
Confidence is a funny thing. It was something I lacked for a long time, but then when I finally managed to get some, I realised how much I could do. Weird as it sounds, I think a lack of confidence stopped me from losing weight (kept telling myself I couldn’t do it), and prevented me from executing on a lot of things I wanted to. I think my confidence is not what it once was, and needs topping up, as I don’t seem to be able to work towards my goals etc. as well as I was able to back… Read more »
jove
jove
2 years 2 months ago
If I were more confident, I would not be filled with anxiety, procrastinate and find “busy work” when it comes time to pick up the phone to make sales calls that would grow my online retail business. My most embarrassing story comes from years ago when I was in the military. At a technician’s meeting in our aircraft maintenance unit, I thought that I had something very profound to say, and as I spoke up to be heard above the discussion, the room went silent, all eyes focused on me and my mind went blank. After about 30 seconds of… Read more »
Adamber
Adamber
2 years 2 months ago

Geeeez, im soo f**in excited to watch this vid. I dont know I just have got so jacked up about the idea again of socializing. Ramit, please, spend some more time on compiling videos and articles and stuff like this and the one titled “how to improve your social skills in 30minutes”
watched it like 100 times, okay maybe 101, but come on, confidence and networking and socializing skills are the keys to anything else,

Okay im done talking, im gon get busy and watch this baby.

Adamber
Adamber
2 years 2 months ago
allright, so ive heard some nice tips on how to improve the skill at issue. Scenario planning is definitely a surefire way of dealing with awkward situations. It is like your Story toolbox idea. Uve got specific questions backed up with perfect answers ( at least you think ), uve got stories to tell perfectly learnt. VErrrry good! Been doing this for a while now. – So the number one thing i would do if I had more confidence is to shout whatever comes to my mind on streets while walking, , and passing by Loads of ppl, similarly, being… Read more »
Rakesh
Rakesh
2 years 2 months ago
Long time reader, first time commentator. Situational awareness isn’t my problem, I hate to make small talk but over time I’ve just gotten used it. I’ve found that given half a chance people will continue to talk if you prompt them with open ended questions and inject occasionally, leading them down a certain path or on a new tangent. In terms of the body language play poker. I’m not kidding here. You learn a hell of a lot of how people react talk, move, think and feel at a real live poker table. Joe Navarro’s book what everybody is saying… Read more »
Jeff L.
Jeff L.
2 years 2 months ago

I feel exactly the same way Rakish. I believe that it may depend on the other person or group and how relaxed they seem. If a person seems genuinely interested in what you have to say they make you feel more relaxed and confident. Others make act stressed or uninterested and make you feel less confident and more likely to forget what you want to say. This is something that I’m trying to overcome. Ramit’s suggestions are worth a try. You may sound foolish at first but you can overcome your obstacle. Good luck!

Sara
Sara
8 months 16 days ago

The feels, you’ve described perfectly what I struggle with too. Its impacting my confidence a fair bit. Have you found any solutions since identifying the root of your problem.

Andie
Andie
2 years 2 months ago
I am a confident person. I like to think I can handle any type of conversation that comes my way. Bring it! Well. . . funny story, just yesterday evening I attended a spiritual group that I had not been to in awhile. Great group of people. I stood around before it started with the group leaders and 3 other members. No one was talking. Everyone kind of just smiled at one another when one of the leaders chimed in accounting our low turn out to the BIG Hawks game that was on. At this point, I proceeded to say… Read more »
Grace
Grace
2 years 2 months ago

There is someone I can’t stop thinking about, it’s driving me crazy. I think about them everyday and I see this person at least 3xs a week.

I wish I had the confidence to start a conversation, even just a fucking, ‘hello how are you?’

But instead I always get this funny feeling in my stomach like I need to poop.

Yep.

Oh and Ramit, HOW do you go up to two people having a conversation already and not awkwardly join in?

Travis
Travis
2 years 2 months ago
If I were more confident and better at conversations I’d look forward to the 5 minutes in Church where we’re supposed to say Hi to someone…instead I would rather walk to a dark corner and claw my eyes out. Awkward moment: Oddly enough in college I took a position to recruit members for my fraternity…yea not a good fit but I did it to get free room/board for a year. I remember having a list of names/numbers to cold call and to find interested incoming students. One person was very closed off and just kept saying no but wouldn’t end… Read more »
Masha
2 years 2 months ago

Travis, that was too funny!! “I would rather walk to a dark corner and claw my eyes out.” I was cracking up for a few min….thank you so much. I needed that today!

Justin
Justin
2 years 2 months ago
I just forwarded this to a group of people going to a conference to talk to people and try to get jobs. I think it will help people talking to strangers, for sure. Great video, I almost went down the IWT rabbit hole, but I will later. Personally, I used to be more shy and scared, but I find that the first step is not caring how it goes. Just forget about all the disasters that can happen, and focus on the good things that can. I still keep in touch with people I randomly met for 5 min a… Read more »
Steve
Steve
2 years 2 months ago
If I were more confident. I could stop living in fear. I could work to achieve goals rather than work to avoid failure. I would be happier. I would be a better Father, Husband, Friend. I would be more at peace. I would probably sign up for your courses, but I can’t do that because I’m afraid it won’t work and I’ll have been fooled or worse they would require me to do things that I’m afraid of. I have 45 years of training on this and I’m very good at it.
M
M
2 years 2 months ago

Great video, especially because it stresses PRACTICING the things one finds difficult. Practice will wear down the fear and intense self-consciensciousness that shy people suffer from. Go Ramit!

Joshua
Joshua
2 years 2 months ago

I’m that awkward person that stands beside to people talking waiting to get noticed. So if I had more confidence I’d be a social butterfly/slut and just have great conversations with any random person around me

Victoria
Victoria
2 years 2 months ago

Like the video. In the end I have found out that it’s all very easy. People like to talk about themselves, get them going and you wish you never did. It’s so easy that eventually you really want some people to shut up. But then I’m older and not insecure anymore.

Sue
Sue
2 years 2 months ago

Thanks Ramit, I have found that recently I am wavering in my confidence. At other periods in my life I have been very socially adept, I wonder if transitioning to the top dog position at work and that changing social structure has left me a little off balance.

The scripting of possibilities is a good reminder to go back to basics. Joining two strangers in a conversation is very hard – I still struggle with that issue.

anna
anna
2 years 2 months ago
If I were more confident I would speak with more decision on meetings and louder!! I would not feel guilty for presenting and promoting a good idea or project i’ve been working on. Remember a business lunch where a big boss was asking me questions to start a conversation. When he asked me if I travelled a lot I started telling where I had been during my holidays … he was asking at a work level. I felt so stupid, like the cliche of the blonde girl (i am) who completely misses the point. All because I was so stressed… Read more »
Jennifer C
Jennifer C
2 years 2 months ago
Regularly I am good at conversation, but as a step mother-in-law, a non-enviable title and position, I cringe and do “scenario planning” prior to meetings and phone calls with my husband’s two adult children in their 40’s. I never knew it had a name. I write down 5 topics that each of the kids have an interest in and will talk about using sentences versus one word answers. My standby topic for my husband’s son and daughter-in-law are movies and books. I make a list so I can keep the conversation going making them feel safe, fun and comfortable as… Read more »
Gretchen
Gretchen
2 years 2 months ago

Jennifer, I wish you would teach a class on that.

Gretchen
Gretchen
2 years 2 months ago

My social skills are not too bad I think, in terms of starting a conversation and being interested in people.

The area I’d like to improve is in helping socially awkward people to feel better integrated into the group. I’d like to be able to know exactly the right thing to say to make that person feel more comfortable and better accepted. I once saw a truly great hostess do exactly that, and I was in awe. I thought, she can get anyone to follow her anywhere.

Al
Al
2 years 2 months ago
I was promoted and invited to a dinner with a bunch of executives in my company. I walked up to two senior executives chatting and thought they would greet me and we’d start a conversation. Instead, they kept talking to each other for what must have been 10 minutes on an arcane work topic I had no knowledge of. Finally, I awkwardly forced my way in with a random comment. So nervous I forgot to introduce my wife. Wish I had the wit to make a relevant comment or just be super confident that I was a newly promoted executive… Read more »
George
2 years 2 months ago

I think it’s normal to feel, at times, awkward when it comes to making new social connections. I think the problem with most of us is that we think that something special has to happen. Humans were built for interactions. I think we just need to jump in and worry less and interact more.

Sarah
Sarah
2 years 2 months ago
I have no problems talking to strangers or friends about everyday things but eventually I feel like I run out of topics and never have anything funny to say. It is easy practicing questions but what do you do about lightening up the atmosphere? My friends all have funny stories to tell but I always forget them and never have my own to tell. Do you have any advice for how to accomplish this? I guess I could go online and look up funny things that happen to others to practice but that sounds awkward since it isn’t mine to… Read more »
Ruth V
Ruth V
2 years 2 months ago

Great comment Sarah – I am also terrible at being entertaining in conversation. What works GREAT for people like us is to ask the other people in the conversation about THEMSELVES. People loooove talking about themselves even if it is a boring topic to us. As a result, the paradox is that they will enjoy themselves so much that they’ll think that YOU are the funny one. Test it and see! (a la How to Win Friends and Influence People).

Cheval John
2 years 2 months ago

This is something new. Never would have thought about it.

Thank you, Ramit for this.

Will implement these two advice later in the week.

Zack
Zack
2 years 2 months ago
If I had more confidence, I’d reach out to people more often about doing fun things and going cool places. A lotta times if my close friends can’t do something, I’ll decide “fuck it, I’ll go on my own.” I’ve just lacked the confidence to invite people that aren’t as close. My favorite story about being socially awkward happened just after my senior year of high school. I was attending a two week leadership camp in another state. I didn’t know anyone at first, so I was testing approaches for making new friends. I saw this girl that looked familiar,… Read more »
Seth
Seth
2 years 2 months ago

If I were more confident, I would apply to jobs that are “out of my league” and in a new industry.

Tim
2 years 2 months ago
Hi Ramit, thanks for this video-it could not have been more timely! First I’ll tell you what I did do with a small dose of confidence. I gave my notice at a safe, deadend job and am starting down a new career path! Now as my confidence grows (grow it must because I’m now in sales) I’ll need to go to more networking events and be less socially awkward. If I had a bit more confidence, I’d immediately go after some of the best prospects I know, and I would spend more time networking with new people. -Tim
Jessica
Jessica
2 years 2 months ago
Glad you answered this question for Emily! Even more glad I’ve already figured this one out for me. Easiest way to get comfortable in a social situation is to prep beforehand–find out who’s going if you can (If it’s a professional conference, you’re going to talk about work/industry trends/new theories/etc, duh) and get a few anecdotes and facts up your sleeve in case you need them. Be an expert in your field, even if they aren’t paying you for it. YET. Really though, people usually want to talk AT you and not TO you, so be prepared to listen and… Read more »
Cara
Cara
2 years 2 months ago

You could always try botox….it does a good job of hiding those annoyed and disgusted looks that are hard to control.

Anonymous L
Anonymous L
2 years 2 months ago

First of all, I LOVE when you blog on this topic, Ramit. I’d LOVE you to make a premium course on this.

If I had more confidence right now I’d approach this stunning girl at college. She’s in the classroom next to mine. I’d also send a really important email that I’ve been sitting on for a day. I’ve put it off because I’m arranging an important phone call with a stranger, the thought of which makes me nervous.

Bryan
2 years 2 months ago
If I had more confidence, I’d not put more accomplished industry execs on a pedastal (sp?) when I talk to them. Id treat them as equals as they are, but respect their position and how far he/she has come. Great socially awkward moment – Im a media producer, and one time a guest (older woman in her 50s…Im 31) on our tapings said to me at an after party that I must have “lines of women” waiting to meet me at my door…so that was awkward…but I replied “Well thats not so true. But if a line starts you’ll be… Read more »
ANASTACIA
ANASTACIA
2 years 2 months ago
I can go to entire towns or cities alone and find people to hang out with and can talk everyone’s head off. I probably say the wrong thing lots but people say it is great (shyer ones) as they appreciate the silence being filled. I have the opposite problem – of saying too much. Name a time you were angry in the workplace? Well, occasionally I guess it is frustrating if the network is down and we have to stop work and do something like filing or moving boxes. The flow gets interrupted for awhile. (further probing from interviewer). Oh.… Read more »
Cara
Cara
2 years 2 months ago
Ramit, I love your honesty! It’s really refreshing. I’m forwarding your video on to some friends. I think I do pretty well on the confidence level. I can be pretty extrovert in social situations. While I have a good script for walking up to two strangers in a convo and introducing myself or joining in, I can’t stand it when the two people are somewhat egotistical and are fully aware you have approached them yet refuse to make eye contact with you or acknowledge you in any way, shape, or form. I hate that!! If someone walks up to me… Read more »
Anil
2 years 2 months ago

If I were more confident, I would have been able to say “No” to a lot many tasks. Because of this inability, I have always had loads of tasks and I couldn’t excel at anything much.
I had said “No” earlier, but my “No” has never been strong enough since I end up doing the work despite saying “No”.

An embarrassing story is when someone asks me the very simple question “What’s up?”
I don’t know what to say, so I end up saying the stupid answer “Same Old shit.” .

Nicola
2 years 2 months ago

I loved this video. I went to a huge jazz conference in Germany last year with the intention of networking and scoring some European festival bookings. Once I was there I was so intimidated, all I did was talk to a few other musos and cling to the comfort zone of the Australian export stand. Shameful. Very shameful…. and a waste of money. After watching this video I feel confident that I will be more successful at the next conference if I go armed with a bunch of break-in questions. Awesome advice. Thanks Ramit!

Wendy
Wendy
2 years 2 months ago
If I were more confident, then I would go to Networking events and sit at the tables already filled with people instead of looking for a table with only one or two people. Once I sit down/begin talking, I do great. It’s initiating the conversation that is difficult for me, especially when it feels like everyone already knows each other or I’m the “young tyke” in the room. I AM young, but I’m also very curious and intelligent. If it helps anyone, I’ve always found that bringing up a slightly (only slightly!) unusual topic can really grab people’s attention and… Read more »
Mary
Mary
2 years 2 months ago
If I had more confidence I’d quit my 6 figure day job that is supporting me and my family and work from home and devote more time to figure out a E1K/DJ/ZTL self employed job sooner than later that will get me back to the same or better salary on my own terms helping other people be all that they want to be, too. Not ready/confident enough to make that blind leap, but slowly working through materials to take baby steps in that direction. Awkward.. still have my moments, but Toastmasters International in college helped a lot for some public… Read more »
Eric
Eric
2 years 2 months ago

If I had even more confidence I would not be afraid to talk/email high up people in my company with ideas, suggestions, and comments.

Steve
2 years 2 months ago

I love the upbeat, happy jingle. Great video.

Alex
2 years 2 months ago
If I had more confidence, I’d use more creative ways to get in a room with people I admire and would like to speak with. I’ve heard all kinds of interesting ways of accomplishing this — such as those mentioned by Jay Abraham in his RBT interview, where he used to walk in to offices with a huge business card in order to be noticed secure interviews with his desired mentors. I find things like that brilliant — and quite ballsy — but I’m not sure I’m quite at that point yet. I’m actively working on reaching out to people… Read more »
shawn
shawn
2 years 2 months ago

Thanks Ramit! I’m about to leave on my first trip with senior management so this couldn’t have come at a better time.

Catharine Hay
2 years 2 months ago

Great advice and it’s not weird. It’s similar to the role playing that professional sales people do.

ladyfry
2 years 2 months ago

just blurt out stuff. even if it gets you into trouble. LOL

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[…] going to have to learn to navigate internal organisational politics, fast, so Ramit’s scripting advice for someone who goes blank when talking to people piqued my […]

J
J
2 years 2 months ago
If I had more confidence, I’d quit beating myself up obsessively over mistakes I’ve made in the past that have alienated people. I would stop regarding myself as fatally flawed and likely irredeemable. Too negative? If I were more confident in my ablilty to deal with people, I would expand the range of jobs I’m willing to apply for: I’ve failed at so many different things in my life, that I don’t feel I have any time to waste pursuing positions I think I’m likely to bomb in. As I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that I’m socially retarded, I’m… Read more »
Yolanda
Yolanda
2 years 2 months ago
So, I went to this event organized by a Foundation I worked with a few years ago and I met former co-worker. Went fine, most of them clearly remember in what circumstances we met etc… And then that woman I supported for a special project came to me, we chatted 2 min and there I slipped: Me – “So, you still have 2 kids?” Her – ” Yep! None of them is dead…” The other (2 colleagues) were staring at us, not knowing who was the craziest of all… And it felt weiiiiiiiiiird! Le me replay it for you: Me… Read more »
Fernando
Fernando
2 years 2 months ago

I live in Las Vegas, I got a new job and training is in Lake Havasu, AZ. If I had more confidence, I would go out on a Saturday night, by myself and approach girls leading to engaging discussions. Our just meet new people.

Fernando Lopez
Fernando Lopez
2 years 2 months ago
Socially awkwardness was this morning. Like I said, I’m training in Lake Havasu for my new job. The company have me and some other guy staying at a nice house. I have my motorcycle as my transportation. The other guy, let’s call him Mel, drove to Az but let his wife keep the car which she drove back to Las Vegas. Now Mel has no means to getting back and forth to work. Mel made arrangement with the company supervisor to provide him transportation. Well, this morning as I sat down at the kitchen table about to feast on my… Read more »
Dan
2 years 2 months ago
The key to confidence is convincing yourself that YOU ARE THE BEST AT WHAT YOU DO. For the most part, people are the same. We have two legs, two arms, 10 fingers, 10 toes and one brain. Some people actually use their brain (LOLO). What makes you different is that you have your own unique goals, ambitions, feelings, abilities, etc and they are slightly different than the person next to you. So who is THE BEST? Answer: YOU ARE. Why? “THE BEST” is relative. What’s the best soda in the world? Some say Pepsi. Some say Coke. Some say Fanta.… Read more »
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Aaron
Aaron
2 years 2 months ago

A great source for conversation topics that’s often overlooked by people is the daily newspaper. For some reason it’s better than news sites or reddit or whatever. My wife has terrible social anxiety. Before she goes out, she reads the paper so she can have a plan (script) for what she’s going to say. She’s still nervous, but because she prepares, no one can tell. Newspapers are like a secret weapon most 20-30 something’s don’t know about.

I like James Altucher’s suggestion to listen to stand up comedians before going out around people. That always loosens me up.

Gina
Gina
2 years 2 months ago

These comments are great!

I just have to say that when I’m at a loss for words (rare, but always with someone I want to impress), I revert to asking questions about THEM. I try to know enough about the person’s interests to be able to hit on something they might enjoy talking about. People usually like to talk about themselves and, honestly, there are far too few good listeners in the world. From what I’ve seen, good listeners have many, many friends. I’m trying to become a better listener, but I have a ways to go.

Tiffany
2 years 2 months ago

Thanks for the video Ramit. Earlier today, before watching the video, I started scripting calls, so I guess I’m on the right track!

If I were more confident, I would call more doctors offices. However, I’m not even sure right now if calling is the most effective way of gaining their partnership!! Are there any resources about finding the right way to prospect? I get anxious before calling because I wonder if I should instead be walking into their office…

Jennifer M
Jennifer M
2 years 2 months ago

Ua Tsaug for the video!!! Personally and professionally I found this to be extremely helpful! Do you have any suggestions of how to help guide high school students with this process? I welcome any ideas!!!!

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[…] “Help! My mind ‘goes blank’ when I talk to people” [I Will Teach You To Be Rich] […]

Marcus
2 years 1 month ago

Most conversation topics I come up with center around recent national or international news. Here you can be sure that most persons will have heard of the topic and will have something to say. Of course, you have to stay away from controversational topics, though.

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[…] Sethi blowing it up with an awesome real story about how he used to be nerdy and how he got better at talking to people! Love […]

Gabe
Gabe
1 year 10 months ago

today I said goodbye to someone whose been a good friend for a while, but said another friends name instead of their own. I was feeling doubt in my confidence that I could hold a conversation, i stood awkwardly not knowing one to do, and tried to laugh it off, but i know it effected her.

Gabe
Gabe
1 year 10 months ago

today I said goodbye to someone whose been a good friend for a while, but said another friends name instead of their own. I was feeling doubt in my confidence that I could hold a conversation, i stood awkwardly not knowing one to do, and tried to laugh it off, but i know it effected her.
If i was more confident, i would listen better and be more friendlier, also be aware of my body language

Shaina P. Emms
1 year 9 months ago

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Robert
Robert
1 year 5 days ago
I am the worst at being socially awkward, like last night my friend who is the complete opposite of me randomly starts talkin to a girl and we find out she is going to get beer luckily we were going to the exact same place and we all lived at the same apartment complex so it wasn’t that weird, but the entire time I’m just sitting in the front seat while these two are engaging in conversation even gossip that my friend probably knew nothing about, again I sat silent but mixed things up By playing Tetris, the only thing… Read more »
Dave
Dave
1 year 1 day ago

If i were more confident i’d have the courage to talk to complete strangers and make new friends.
if i were more confident i’d be able to express myself better in difficult situations.

Shree
Shree
9 months 6 days ago
Funniest moment: i would rather say it was the most embarrassing nd disappointing thing that happened to me. We were having a board meeting on how to make PR more productive. There were 7 other people in the room. They were all talking so good nd giving their opinions on new initiatives. Nd those opinions, for me they seemed to be obvious fr tat particular idea. So i didnt speak at all. Finally we were assessing our progress till date nd it was me first to start off with. I was like blank at the moment. I just said “it… Read more »
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Rigfht noww it sounds like Expression Engine is the preferred blogging platform
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TooShyToShy
TooShyToShy
17 days 22 hours ago
This is me… even with my own family. I just don’t (think I) have anything to say. My husband thinks I’m being ridiculous and that I need to think of something to say but not that my life is boring because i have 2 great kids and a awesome husband, but there are so many stories I can tell about my kids. And it always seems like I am the one who is supposed to start talking first. Why can’t other people talk first??? I get really nervous, my words start coming in at weird times, like I would be… Read more »
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