3 conversational skills everyone should master

1. Write a script 

The perfect conversation starter depends on the situation and where you find yourself. For some reason, we tend to gravitate to the cliched, “So what do you do?”, which might help you launch a conversation, but it makes people feel ick. 

Not everyone wants to be defined by their job, more importantly, a social event allows them to step away from their corporate work for a change. So instead of defaulting to the weather or what the other person does to pay the bills, how about getting to know them first? 

Here are three simple scripts you can use to start a conversation:

1. What brought you here? 
2. Hi, I’m [YOUR NAME].
3. How do you know the host? 

Do these seem dead simple? Good. Conversation starters should be simple! Your script doesn’t have to be Shakespearean in nature – it just has to open the door for good conversation to flow.

2. Practice your social skills 

If you’re not great in social situations, you need to practice in order to improve. It may feel uncomfortable, but it’s the only way to get better. It also helps if you have fun with it! No need to take yourself too seriously.

• Step 1 – The Mirror: Yes, there will be mirror work. It’s important that you have your first go at practicing your scripts in front of the mirror. Are you smiling? Is the smile any good, or do you resemble Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining? Do you seem approachable? 
• Step 2 – The Camera: Use the broom or your kid’s giant teddy as a prop and practice those skills while recording on your smartphone. While it may seem strange at first, playback will reveal whether you’re asking too many questions, talking too fast, or even whether you have that dull expression and one-tone-drone that will scare away even the most desperate conversationalist at the party. 
• Step 3 – The Interaction: You’re going to take this to the next level and meet an actual person. Then you’re going to ask another person to film it. Meet at a bar or coffee shop to make it a little more interesting. Interacting with an actual human being will go a long way in determining any social killers. Check your posture, whether you’re blocking conversation, and if you’re applying the script effectively. 

3. Start at small, personal gatherings 

Before running a marathon, it’s worth taking a jog around the neighborhood to make sure your lungs and legs can cope. Then, build up slowly until the full race feels achievable. 

The same with social skills. Don’t wait until that all-important business networking meetup to test your scripts. Use it on smaller events like the neighborhood cookout, a birthday party, even a small wedding. 

The key is to build your skills before you jump into a major soiree. 

4. Put your script to practice 

While a script will help you get things started, only practice will enable you to gracefully enter and exit a conversation without being obvious. Or weird. 

Here are the tools you need to start, join, and hold a conversation.

Start a conversation

Look for that one person standing by themselves, possibly in the opposite corner. Approach them and introduce yourself. Now, this is the fun part, you’re going to smile and you’re going to use one of those three conversation starters, or even all three. 

Reminder on the conversation starter scripts:

1. What brought you here? 
2. Hi, I’m [YOUR NAME].
3. How do you know the host? 

Just pretend that you’re meeting a potential future friend or colleague.

Join a conversation in progress 

You might have to eavesdrop a little to get this one right. The best part about eavesdropping at a social event is that it happens to be a great conversation starter.

Introduce yourself by saying, “I couldn’t help overhearing that you guys are discussing cause and effect in early childhood development. I’ve just completed this great course, you guys might have heard of it. By the way, I’m John.” 

Hold the conversation 

“So how do you know Sally?” you ask. “We met in high school,” they respond. “Oh cool.” you kill the conversation. 

Questions are a natural way to let the conversation take a different direction and allow you to build rapport with the other party. Even if it includes a little bit of small talk. Not every conversation has to be about big philosophical life questions.

Some conversations can be about whether bulletproof coffee has run its course or whether pineapple belongs on a pizza (although that last one may cause spirited debate).

But be warned. No one likes feeling interrogated. So tweak your script with a few guidelines: 

1. Don’t ask too many questions.
2. Make a statement reflecting on what they responded (Oh I never thought about that. That’s an interesting approach).
3. Only ask, “What do you do?” if it’s relevant, and please, for the love of keeping your conversation going, don’t lead with it.

5. Psyche yourself up

You’ve done about five outfit changes and read just about every book you can on how to improve your conversation skills, yet you’re still sweaty-palmed and dry-mouthed at social gatherings. You bristle like a porcupine when anyone comes near you, even though you actually crave the distraction of conversation. 

Here’s the thing. You can get those nerves under control. What’s more, you’re not going to need five scotches and a beer to do it. 

1. It starts at home: Psyching yourself up starts before you even get to the event. You’re going to wear a smashing outfit, take time with your appearance, and talk to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself how great it’s going to be, and be happy to have an opportunity to make real connections. 
2. Give yourself enough time to get there: Want to know how to instantly increase the suck when you’re nervous about a social event? Be late. Don’t be early either. That sucks too and will increase the chances of you choosing a creepy corner to wait out the time. 
3. Breathe: One of the best ways to instantly make yourself feel better, is by taking long, controlled breaths. This will help you regulate that racing heartbeat and hopefully take care of the sweaty palms too. Look for well-ventilated spots such as balconies or patios. 
4. Smile: Just a gentle, upturned mouth that touches your eyes. Not only does this make you seem more approachable, but it also lets you feel better. 
5. Be confident: Confidence is attractive and even if you’re not feeling it, fake it until you do. And why the heck shouldn’t you be? You have the perfect scripts for these things and you’re excited to test them out, aren’t you? 
6. Be willing to flake once in a while: Not every social encounter at every event is going to work out. Heck, it’s guaranteed not to because we’re all so different. But that’s what makes this great. Every time you put yourself out there, you learn. You start adapting your scripts, body language, and even mannerisms to make new meets more comfortable. But you’re not going to ace it at the first try every time. You’re going to get shut down and ignored. You’re going to leave some events feeling a little underwhelmed. What’s important is that you learn to read the room and slowly build those social skills.