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How to be naturally charming

The number one reason social interactions crash and burn: Someone is too needy. Needy is the opposite of charming. Here's how to be charming.

Ramit Sethi

I love to eavesdrop on dates.

When I am working in a coffee shop and hear a date happening next to me, I instantly push pause on my music and start listening. Is this creepy? I’m not sure.

I do this for three reasons

  1. It’s funny as hell
  2. Great stories for posts like this
  3. You learn a lot about social skills by observing the subtle actions of the people around you

My creepiness is going to be your salvation.

Typically, what happens is the guy is talking way too much about himself using the most generic, boring things to try and impress the girl. It goes something like this.


oh really

Oh, really? You like to travel… fascinating.


Guy: “Oh, I work at this company. Ah, the work is really challenging, but I love the travel and the team is so… There’s so much camaraderie…”
Girl (in her mind): “Oh, my God, another consultant. Just kill me.”
Girl (out loud): “Really? Wow. You don’t say.”

My eavesdropping has taught me the number 1 reason conversations crash and burn: Someone is too needy.

Many guys (and girls) think they have to brag about where they work, their apartment, how often they travel because this is their only chance.

They need the other person to be impressed.

Needy is the opposite of charming. You can’t be both.

So how do you fix neediness and become charming?

Too often we focus on what words to say to attract other people when we should start with our own internal approach. The key to being charming is an abundance mentality.

You need to realize that it’s not do or die when you meet new people. You can make a small social faux pas and not panic. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll get better for next time.

And I’m not just talking about dates.

Warmth and charm mean better job interviews, meeting more people at parties and events, and impressing more clients.

Let me show you what I’m talking about.

How to use an abundance mentality to be naturally, effortlessly charming

An abundance mentality means understanding that social interactions are not scarce.

  • If one date doesn’t work out, there’ll be another
  • If you have one awkward moment at an event, it will be forgotten because you’ll have hundreds of conversations
  • If one job interviewer gives you a bad vibe, reflect on your performance and know that the next interview will be better

A word of warning. This doesn’t mean you don’t care about people. Exactly the opposite. By focusing on enjoying yourself rather than getting a specific result, you are making the experience better for everyone around you.

That’s what it means to be charming — you make everyone feel good about being near you.

In this 7-minute video, I show you how to become effortlessly charming BEFORE you walk into any room.

To summarize, always remember:

“How do I want to leave them feeling?”

By preparing, you make people feel special.

To take this idea one step further, I’ve put together three videos that show you how to stay cool and in control — no matter what happens during the interaction.

We all know someone who is completely comfortable in almost any situation. They can walk into a conference or a bar, and you’d think they knew everyone there.

How did they get that way?

It wasn’t luck, or genetics, or the “it factor” (whatever that is). It’s a skill. You can develop confidence, too.

I used to feel uncomfortable and out of place. But over time I’ve developed hacks for confidence in new situations. I’ll show you exactly how I do it in these 3 short videos. Just enter your email for instant access.

Show me how to have confidence in any situation

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  1. avatar

    This will help me even more at my job where I deal with the public on a regular basis. That and maybe my weirdo co-worker.

    Thanks Ramit!

  2. avatar
    René Vidal

    Ramit, love this, so glad you’re tackling the sh*t out of persuasion and influence.

    Leading with an abundance mentality is key to leveraging risk reversal (in relationships, business, etc.), another principle you teach.

    Indeed, your creepiness is my salvation 🙂