Why won’t anyone be honest with you?
January 03rd, 2013 - 145 Comments
Jesus, relationship advice for women is the worst.
I was reading a women’s relationship-advice site (because of my taste in music, I’m really a 40-year-old black woman trapped in a debonair, suave man’s body).
This girl was asking for advice about a guy she was seeing. They had gone on a few dates, but he hardly called her and mostly sent short text replies when she initiated.
“LEAVE HIM!” the other women on the forum yelled.
“Here is what you do,” one said. “You need to test him and make him work for it.”
Another said, “Let him chase you. You need to filter out guys like this and go for men who want you.”
Ok, that advice isn’t bad.
But do you notice something funny about the advice?
NOT ONE PERSON TOLD HER TO IMPROVE HERSELF.
Instead, they told her about filtering men…and how HE needed to work to win her…and how she shouldn’t put up with the way he was treating her.
I prefer the advice of my man, R&B singer Lyfe Jennings, who memorably said:
Be the person you wanna find
Don’t be a nickel out here lookin’ for a dime
That’s right. To develop new behavioral-change techniques, on Mondays I read the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology for new research. And on Tuesdays, I blast Lyfe Jennings. BOOM.
Skip to 0:40 to kick this off
Yes, that girl on the advice forum should probably kick that guy to the curb (he’s just not that into her). But I guarantee she could improve herself — becoming more fun, getting more fit, picking up interesting activities, and overall working on her positive attitude.
This idea of actually improving yourself is advice NOBODY tells their friends. It’s politically incorrect and impolite, and it’s easier to tell them to DUMP THAT LOSER! But it also happens to be 100% true.
Ramit’s blunt relationship advice
I want to show you what I mean.
A friend of mine had a crush on one of my friends, a big-name, top-tier guy. She was mystified that he didn’t seem to be into her, and she asked for my advice. I don’t usually give relationship advice (because people are weirdos and start hating you when you don’t tell them they’re the greatest), but she was persistent.
I said one thing: “What kind of woman does a man like him want?”
She responded with generic BS: “Confident, smart, blah blah.”
I said, “Ok, just stop. This dude is a high-caliber man. He is SWIMMING in women. Of course he wants that — but that’s just the price of admission. What else?”
She was stumped — and admitted she’d never really thought of what HE would want — because in her mind, for her entire life, she’d been the prize that men pursued.
It turned out there were a few things she COULD work on. She recognized that to attract a top-tier partner, she had to be at the top of your game.
(By the way, this is just as true for guys. It’s not enough to just coast by — improving yourself means becoming more interesting, fit, engaging, and entertaining. When you become the life of the party, women will be attracted to you, instead of simply having to chase after whatever you can get. Harsh truths.
I know this first-hand. Over the last 10 years, I systematically improved myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. When my friends and I used to walk up and introduce ourselves to girls, they would walk away in the MIDDLE OF OUR INTRODUCTION. That doesn’t happen any more.
Back then, I had crippling beliefs. For example, I would always tell jokes with friends, and girls would laugh, but they would laugh like this: “Oh ha ha…he’s so funny…some girl is really gonna like him one day” (Classic Nice Guy Syndrome). Overcoming them literally took YEARS, so I know why it’s so challenging to hear someone say you should work on yourself.)
But I’m telling you this because I’m not here to make you feel syrup-y good — I’m here to help you improve and live a rich life. And sometimes that takes brutal honesty.
By the way, I’m not just talking about relationships…
We do the same thing with careers. We write about what WE want in a job…how WE want a flexible schedule, how WE need to make $X, how WE want to work from home on Fridays.
I call this “I, I, I Syndrome,” because average people spend so much time thinking about what they want…that they NEVER pay attention to what the hiring manager wants!
Pay close attention here: If you’re early in your career, you can wait around for 10 years and try to get more experience.
You can deeply understand the hopes, fears, and dreams of a hiring manager at your Dream Job…and shortcut everyone else. (Or your ideal partner.)
- Even if you don’t have 10 years of experience
- Even if you’re not sure you’re the right fit for the job (or person)
- Even if you’re not sure what your dream job is
This principle — that 80% of the work is done before you ever set foot in the room — is something I covered two days ago on Fox & Friends, a national morning show:
People want the magic bullets — “Ramit, what should I say in a negotiation?? What’s the magic phrase??” but the truth is, 80% of the work happens BEFORE you ever walk into that room.
I can give you word-for-word negotiation scripts for earning thousands more — and I WILL give it to you in a couple weeks on my email list — but if you haven’t done the 80% of the pre-work, the scripts won’t help you.
If you don’t understand the psychology of barriers, no amount of fancy scripts will help. This is why amateur “pickup artists” always want to know, “What did you say to talk to her?? Tell me the line!!!” but they fail to understand that no script will persuade someone to stay with you if you’re not an interesting, engaging person.
So how do you do it? How do you out-prep everyone so by the time you walk in the room, you have an UNFAIR ADVANTAGE over everyone else?
In other words, instead of waiting for others to “like you for who you are” (classic loser mentality), why not become a better person? Why not become truly IRRESISTIBLE by becoming more skilled, more attractive, more truly understanding their hopes/fears/dreams, and by becoming so popular they can’t help but want you?
This year, I’m going to show you how to do exactly that.
Becoming a top performer isn’t as simple as reading some script like a magical incantation, but there are MASSIVE strategic shortcuts you can use to save years.
Plus — what’s the alternative? Doing the same thing you’ve always done?
Complaining about Washington politicians and tax policies?
Whining about the economy and how the Baby Boomers took all our jobs?
Get a life. Let other people whine. IWT readers will be busy dominating.
Btw, why am I doing this? Why make TAKING CONTROL the theme of this year?
Because I’ve systematically studied and tested these techniques for over 10 years. Not hand-wavy generic advice like “Be more confident” (vomit), but the actual SPECIFIC ways to conquer your psychological barriers, build a systematic way of deciding what’s important, and eliminate distractions.
You can apply these to being more productive, earning more, finding a dream job, and even becoming more attractive.
In fact, I’ll show you.
Here’s what I’m going to be revealing in the next few weeks:
- The Top 5 Productivity Mistakes that keep most people stagnant, as if there’s an invisible anchor attached to them (instead of using productivity techniques that top performers routinely employ)
- The scientifically proven and tested process for building better habits, coming in a mega-post featuring two habit-formation experts — BJ Fogg, founder of the Stanford Persuasive Technology Lab, and Charles Duhigg, bestselling author of The Power of Habit.
- 3 “Small Talk Hacks” so you’ll never again feel alone when you walk into a room of new people.
- How to avoid the biggest social blunders men and women make — with before-and-after video examples. This is one of my favorites since you can actually SEE the difference.
- Tested scripts for turning any introduction into a lasting relationship. (If you think success is all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know, then this post will be for you.)
- And a few other surprises I can’t mention yet.
Whether it’s relationships or finding your dream job — or any area of self improvement — you can choose to complain about tax policy, and how you’re not tall enough, or how that guy got hired because of his dad.
Or you can play the cards you were dealt and optimize for what you’ve got, recognizing that we all start at different levels. I was a socially awkward 127-lb dude who came from a very middle-class family. I worked — and worked HARD — to become skilled at psychology, systems, business, and behavioral change.
Others wait to be recognized for their brilliance and complain, WAAA he doesn’t call me, WAAA I didn’t get the job. Winners become better catches.
This month, I’ll be covering how to improve yourself in tremendous detail. No platitudes, but actual tested data, case studies, and videos of IWT students just like you who have actually DONE IT.
Moment of truth: How is your life going?
Have you had a friend who said, “Yeah, I should really do X” (work out, stop spending so much, leave a bad relationship)…but you KNOW THEY’RE NOT GOING TO DO IT?
My eternal fascination is when people SAY one thing, but DO another.
So in the next few weeks, I’m going to show you how to go deep to understand the difference between what people SAY and what they really MEAN.
When you can do this right — digging, almost excavating their language for what they REALLY mean — you can understand people’s hopes, fears, and dreams. It’s the ultimate way of ethically connecting with people beyond the perfunctory “Hey, what do you do?”
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