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What happens when women earn more than men?

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I’ve written about gender and money before. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman — for a lot of people, this is one of the greatest taboos you can possibly talk about (even more than people anonymously sharing their salaries).

Yes, men and women react to money differently. Yes, they have different scripts. And yes, I think it’s important to talk about it, instead of pretending money is the same for everybody.

Today, I want to talk about what happens when women earn more than men.

My friend Farnoosh Torabi, who has a new book out — When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women — wrote an interesting piece on women who earn more:

“The fact is, particularly for young ambitious females, the chances of finding an “equal” mate in terms of pay and education is statistically challenging. And even if you do land a first date with this guy, there may not be a second, for certain psychological reasons…”

Also, did you know that most young women now out-earn young men?

“According to a 2012 study by Reach Advisors, the median income of single women between the ages of 22 and 30 is now greater than the income of single men in that same age group in most cities throughout the country.”

I find this fascinating. What happens to social norms when women start earning more than men?

Behind closed doors, in the kinds of conversations my high-earning female friends would never let me share publicly, some of them tell me how challenging it is to find a partner because of their income.

If you’re a 28-year-old woman and your male partner suddenly found out you made 2x as much as he does, how would he react?

What if you’re a guy, and your partner finds out you make 2x what they do?

Is the situation any different if you’re a man or a woman?

I want to hear your stories. If you earn more than your partner, does it affect your relationship? How does gender play a role in your finances?

Share your stories in the comments below.

P.S. I once asked a question about gender and money on Twitter, where all responses are public. 95% of the responses were politically correct answers that made you nod your head. But then I looked in my inbox, which was flooded with private emails from people who were saying the exact opposite thing — only they wouldn’t admit it on Twitter. I want us to have an honest discussion, so if you want to answer anonymously in the comments below, feel free.

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Cara Brett
2 years 3 months ago

I earn more than my husband and it is not an issue. We combine money anyway so it is just more for the kitty. He is also aware that the industry I am in pays better than his does. If he had a problem with it, we wouldn’t be married.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

So your saying that your are more productive and intelligent than your husband, or are you saying that society is simply allocating you more money than him?

Anon
Anon
21 days 3 hours ago

right now
Bongstar420, all of your comments on this thread are absolutely nonsensical and bitter. Did your partner outearn you? Get over it and go smoke a spliff.

Katherine Pinilla
Katherine Pinilla
2 days 13 hours ago

I was talking to my bf about it yesterday and I was bothered at the thought that I would make more money than him when I become a nurse bur he’s an amazing guy and works for fire protection and has a great job. I guess I’m not used to women making more than man cause of my culture. Any advice ?

Katherine Pinilla
Katherine Pinilla
2 days 13 hours ago

Also cara my mom does not like the fact that I will be making more. She just has the mindset that if we ever get married she wouldn’t want me making more money than my bf.

High earning chick
2 years 3 months ago
I am a female earning over $100k per year. I’m also single. Guys do get intimidated when they learn I make more than them. I honestly don’t care if a guy makes less than me, as long as he is hardworking and isn’t a lazy bum. But it seems to be a real barrier for a lot of men. I find that my high earning female friends tend to fall into three categories: 1. Perpetually single, like me 2. Married young and have been with their partners for years 3. Met their significant others in graduate school (B-school, Med school),… Read more »
Brittany
Brittany
1 month 22 days ago

This is definitely true and it is very frustrating. I don’t think it should matter who makes more money in a relationship but I guess some men find it intimidating. I agree I don’t care how much a potential partner makes as long as they are financially responsible. Hopefully one day this will change

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Oh really…yet your single or with a dude that is basically poor compared to you?

LOL

cynical&educated
cynical&educated
10 days 8 hours ago
Interestingly, in society at large the consensus, particularly among women, is that something is socially “wrong” about a situation where equally talented and trained men and women are paid unequally in favor or men. But then there is also nothing “wrong” about women expecting men not to be daunted by the reversal. This does not look like intelligent people actually thinking about how social and sexual relationships work. Do not expect to make major social changes without side effects, some possibly severe and long lasting. Most men do not seek a major role reversal between the sexes, and those that… Read more »
bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

If your single, your either ugly or your wealth really is clouding your mind.

Have you considered that your income makes you think your entitled to a “better” man than a woman that makes $20k per year?

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Excuse the bad grammar please.

Anon
Anon
21 days 3 hours ago

Lay off the weed.

Heather Shannon
Heather Shannon
25 days 22 hours ago
This is my experience as well. I have had one guy I dated tell me directly that I intimidated him. And when others find out I’m running 2 businesses, own 2 condos, have employees, etc. they make less direct comments that are still obviously insecure. Basically, they compare themselves to me and find themselves coming up short. So, usually it’s not stated directly, but it’s an undercurrent. How am I supposed to respect him and view him as an equal if he’s clearly feeling inferior and insecure about it? I don’t think I need a man who earns more, but… Read more »
Heather Shannon
Heather Shannon
25 days 22 hours ago
This is my experience as well. I have had one guy I dated tell me directly that I intimidated him. And when others find out I’m running 2 businesses, own 2 condos, have employees, etc. they make less direct comments that are still obviously insecure. Basically, they compare themselves to me and find themselves coming up short. So, usually it’s not stated directly, but it’s an undercurrent. How am I supposed to respect him and view him as an equal if he’s clearly feeling inferior and insecure about it? I don’t think I need a man who earns more, but… Read more »
David
David
11 days 9 hours ago

In my own case i don’t think that is intimidation probably he just can’t stand the fact that you earn more and more productive, he should be proud of you and himself he could hang out or hold on to a woman more productive than he is..probably he would have learn more from you you because this world is about learning from each person we meet everyday of our life.. Just think he is a looser, It really doesn’t matter who earn more in a relationship..

David
David
11 days 9 hours ago

I don’t believe all guys get intimidated probably few who have problems with their upbringing, my mum earned twice as my Dad and he never had a problem with it till they both passed on and they were both madly in love with each other, I just think its society that is creating this problem. If my wife was earning more than i was, i don’t think that would be an issue, i married her not the money or her Job.. one has to earn more than the other.. its a balance, scale of preference

anon
anon
2 years 3 months ago

HA! My husband would love it if I made more than him! As it is his earning potential is much higher than mine (I’m a teacher, he’s a software developer), so I’m currently a SAHM. He would love for the roles to be reversed!

Tek
Tek
2 years 3 months ago

I currently make more than my husband, but he’s also in school and not working full time. He also hasn’t have debt while I have student loans. He has more ‘wealth’ than I do. After he graduates, he’ll be open to better paying jobs. He has no issue with the situation. As long as we can pay bills and have a few extras, there are no issues.

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
My (live-in) BF makes quite a bit more than me. But he’s several years older and has an engineering PhD, I’m just out of grad school (MS). We’re both very liberal politically, so every once and a while it makes me feel sorta “anti-feminist,” which is silly! (Especially when I was still in school…he would pay for almost everything and it would make me feel guilty sometimes.) It doesn’t bother me or him (the difference isn’t because of our gender, just our chosen fields), and it hasn’t caused any problems in our relationship. We split bills/rent by percentage, which we… Read more »
bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Do you still want him to buy you dinner?

..or maybe you just want him to be taller and have bigger muscles

Azza
Azza
2 years 3 months ago

I don’t tell my partner how much I make as I have 2 jobs and one of them is a contractor position so it depends on how business is. Regardless, I give a figure that accounts for my spending and bill paying plus a little bit for saving so that what I make won’t be an issue.

We share certain expenses, we have enough money to travel and enjoy ourselves and anything beyond that is separate play money to do what we want with.

Corey
Corey
2 years 3 months ago
I think it depends on the lifestyle that each partner desires. If she makes 2,3,4 times what I do, then great, its something for both of us to be proud of. The number itself would not cause any problem for me, but if my partner were to desire a lifestyle that cost significantly more than what I wanted, then this could cause an issue. Even if we made the same amount, there is a certain point to where I would not be willing to pay for a lifestyle that is in my eyes, excessive considering what I make. But if… Read more »
bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

I couldn’t be with a woman that makes more than me and spends most of it on “lifestyle”

She needs to spend it on being productive

Heather Shannon
Heather Shannon
25 days 22 hours ago

I think that’s fair. A friend of mine just broke up with her BF in part because he didn’t want to work to have the same lifestyle she wants. She paid for extra things, but at the end of the day they didn’t share the same vision for their future. This is a legitimate concern.

Jess H.
Jess H.
2 years 3 months ago
Your friend needs to be very careful in quoting the Reach study, since the finding she’s citing doesn’t control for education level. It makes her look at best ignorant and at worst intellectually dishonest. As a high-earning woman, I’d be very interested in her book, but not if that’s the quality of work she put into it. As for me and money: I started dating my partner when we were both broke. The only time it’s been an issue that one of us made more than the other was when one of us was unemployed. I currently make about 20%… Read more »
bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

When you say “earning,” you mean you work the field with your own two hands and sell the product of your work on your own time, or do you hire lackeys to do it for you?

I’ve noticed a lot of people confuse procuring wealth with generating wealth…Earning wealth = creating wealth. Procuring wealth = taking wealth…like being a lawyer, stock broker, or doctor.

Prescott P.
2 years 3 months ago

I think it depends a great deal on the professions in question. If I signed up to be a firefighter or a social worker, I can’t get mad when someone working in pharmaceuticals makes twice as much, no matter if they’re male or female. But if I found out that my partner was making more than me for a similar job, or worse, a lesser job, I’d be little pissed. But hopefully that would motivate me rather than just leave me bitter. Single guy problems, I suppose.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

How do you respect a person that takes wealth they don’t deserve?

Heather Shannon
Heather Shannon
25 days 22 hours ago

Good point. It’s industry specific. People should not complain about teachers having summers off or doctors making a lot of money. We all choose our path. I agree that it would be infuriating to earn less for the same work in the same industry! How do you think women have felt earning 77 cents on the dollar for the same work as men? :/ Definitely not fun.

Emily H
Emily H
2 years 3 months ago

I imagine this is exactly what you’d expect to hear — as a high earning female (150+), I have always unconsciously assumed that I would have to marry someone in my field or another similarly high paying field (medicine, business, engineering, law etc) in order to respect my husband as my peer. It sounds astoundingly offensive when you write it out. Is someone who makes less money inherently less intelligent or not my peer? Of course not. And yet, the drive to find a male partner whose intelligence and abilities outrank my own is powerful.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Derp…and youre just now coming to that realization.

I guess its just a shame I realized that when I was 10 years old

Anon
Anon
21 days 3 hours ago

Bongstar420, all of your comments on this thread are absolutely nonsensical and bitter. Did your partner outearn you? Get over it and go smoke a spliff.

cynical&educated
cynical&educated
10 days 8 hours ago

Dear Anon:

Why not just tell bongstar that his mother wears combat boots? Ad hominem dismissals are the last refuge of the inept.

Few men do not know a number of women who outearn them in their own field. No point in continuing to pretend it is 1956. Perhaps something is wrong other than “men” being uncooperative??

anon
anon
2 years 3 months ago

When we first got married, my husband made considerably more than I did. Since then we have both made career changes and now I make more. It was actually really tough on him to adjust though I was fine with it. He has since learned to be okay with it but I bet he still won’t admit to others that I make more. If I had made more when we first met there is a chance we never would have married since it made him feel inadequate at first. Thank god he got over it!

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

So you take care of him eh?

Higher Earner
Higher Earner
2 years 3 months ago

I earn 3 x my husband but we have combined finances so it just one pool of money really. Sometime he gets upset because I work long hours and he would like to earn more to take the pressure off me but we understanding that each other’s respective lines of work have very different pay grades (me corporate/him mechanic) and that’s just the way it is. We are both more concerned about each other being in a job we love and are happy in than the money it earns.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Your both overpaid

Serena
Serena
2 years 3 months ago
I’m 29, live in Manhattan, make a 6 figure salary. It wasn’t an issue when dating my husband and he had a steady job that he loved that earned him significantly less than mine. When we moved in together and got married, I was happy to take care of us financially. I ended up paying for mostly everything – rent, bills, groceries, etc. He decided to quit his job and go freelance, I was fully supportive in him making a career change and chasing something he loved. With not much luck, he was then completely unemployed. Coming home after a… Read more »
Amanda
Amanda
2 years 3 months ago
I think this is super interesting. I am in a similar situation. When I first met my boyfriend, I was 22 and he was 24. He was making more than me, but he was working in construction and I was working at a coffee shop. I had just graduated with a BA and was trying to find a more sustainable career. Construction isn’t really a reliable industry, and so he was laid off of his job. He has been out of work for about two years now, and I took a job at a winery and moved up to the… Read more »
beth
beth
2 years 3 months ago

i think you both have nailed talking about ambition vs earnings. I’ve always said he doesn’t have to be king of the world, but he has to want to be. I’m finding many of the comments still very PC (my husband is perfectly happy, we just share, blah blah) and i’m a bit skeptical.
My sub-question would be – do you have one joint account or do you have mine/his/ours?

Makes More
2 years 3 months ago
This is 100% the same situation as me. Husband and I got together in our early 20s when we were both broke. Now we are in our late 20s, both self-employed, but my career & earnings have sky-rocketed, while he has plateaued. I now out-earn my husband by about $60k/year. I find that I often resent him (silently) for not working as hard as he could. I see so much potential in him, but he doesn’t put in the effort to grow his career. He is perfectly comfortable making 50k/yr and having a flexible schedule, while I work insane hours… Read more »
SamB
SamB
2 years 3 months ago
My situation is similar with my husband. When we met, we were on equal footing financially so we could each “treat” the other on occasion, but as I’ve improved myself and my financial standing, I now make twice what he does in a normal year, and now that he’s been having medical issues, I basically make all the money. When the hubs sits at home all day, playing with Lego or watching TV or napping or drinking, sometimes that’s all I see – that he doesn’t really care to do anything else. Sometimes I just wish I could get into… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 months 7 days ago
I’m not married, but have been cohabiting with my boyfriend for quite some time. I am a student and ‘earn’ significantly more than him, thanks to a large scholarship, even though he has been gainfully employed for over 5 years now. I often have many of the thoughts/feelings that others (e.g., @MAKESMORE) have mentioned with respect to feelings of resentment and issues around level ambition, and reading some of these posts from married individuals make me feel like I am not likely to get over some of the issues I currently have. However, I also have thoughts about the potential… Read more »
Heather Shannon
Heather Shannon
25 days 22 hours ago
Women are going to college at a much higher rate which probably explains why young women make more than their peers on average. Here’s my hypothesis, which is at least partially based on research findings. Women tend to be more mature at a younger age so maybe this accounts for this decision since many people decide at only 17 if they’re going to college and most don’t look back. Women are also less likely to be risk takers and more education seems like the safe bet (and usually is). Men might be more likely to rebel against the system.
cynical&educated
cynical&educated
10 days 8 hours ago
I believe many women here simply confuse sex roles with occupational ones. In a couple, one is always more dominant in their personal lives, commonly called “gender roles”. Why do you think it is possible to change dominance in occupational roles without changing dominance in domestic roles? Most complaints about men here are simply reworded complaints about men not “acting like men” at home while being passive occupationally. It is unrealistic to “cherry pick” social characteristics and expect the rest not to change too. When political force is used to ensure one change, then the other will slowly cease to… Read more »
Jonny
Jonny
2 years 3 months ago

As a 26 year old male I earn $60K p/a and my wife earns more than me at $70K p/a (these are approx conversions as we live in UK). I have no problem with this at all. I don’t hide the fact that my wife earns more than me.

Freddy
Freddy
2 years 3 months ago
My partner doesn’t earn as much as I do. It’s not even close. I don’t earn a huge amount but I earn enough to live the life I want. The problem is that she doesn’t earn that much at all, which is putting a strain on our finances. If she could earn more money, we would be able to comfortably save money. Currently we sometimes manage to save money but it’s really hard to when one of us isn’t earning much. I guess my issue is the opposite of the taboo, as I want her to make more money! I… Read more »
Rory
Rory
2 years 3 months ago

Wouldn’t really care to be honest.

I’d insist she take me out to dinner more though.

Sheena
Sheena
2 years 3 months ago
I’ve never told any of my partners until my current boyfriend how much I make, I’ve made both a lot less and a lot more than my partners in the past. My current boyfriend and I are both engineers and he makes a few k more than me, which is typical in Canada, but he’s said on more than one occassion he’d love if I made more money so I could be his sugar momma! All kidding aside, he’s man enough not to let money bother him, and I think sometimes it’s more about how both partners treat their discrepancies.… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
I’ve always been on the fast track, career wise. My husband, not so much. He stays at home with the kids because it would be silly to give up so much potential family income. We knew that would be the situation from the get-go, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have our challenges. He perpetually feels like I don’t pay close enough attention to our kids. I perpetually feel like he doesn’t pay close enough attention to our finances. Both of us are a little wrong, and a little right. I know he feels internal pressure to start working again,… Read more »
Andy
Andy
1 year 9 months ago
Off topic, but yes, we experience it too. My ex-wife decided to quit working and I was supportive of first because it meant she could spend time with our new son. But when she quit her job she lost all ambition – all life. I worked, kept the house clean, kept the finances, gave Sunday’s away from being a mommy. It seems like after she quit her job that the life just drained out of her. My attempts to share the responsibility were never taken up (though in retrospect, I didn’t handle it well). To her, taking care of our… Read more »
Transposition
Transposition
1 year 1 month ago
Not at all! My wife and I work full time, but I earn about 3x her income. Perhaps this is a traditional attitude, but I feel as though I ought to pay for everything our family needs, and that anything she makes should be for herself. That said, her income and other benefits do contribute meaningfully to our family’s living. Despite what I make, she will occasionally complain that there are other women in our neighborhood who can stay at home, or that she feels that she would like to work part time. She does have career ambition and would… Read more »
Prashant
Prashant
1 year 1 month ago
Me too is in same situation…..my wife earns 3 x than me and now we have a kid so planning as to one parent should be at home for 2 years atlest(till the time my kid starts going to school). So as i earn less this will be a wise decision that less earning person takes care for the kid so that finances remains sufficient. And we have decided this sitting together and my wife is happy that atleast our son will have atleast one parent to look after him always( do not want to leave my kid on maids… Read more »
Stephanie
Stephanie
2 years 3 months ago
My husband and I both work commission jobs, I sell commercial real estate and he sells life insurance. His checks are small and consistent while mine are big and inconsistent. I’ll probably bring home $100-$120k this year which is about double his pay. This gap in pay has never been a problem between us since it all goes into the same pot at the end of the day. However, I have noticed that he contributes more to domestic duties. As I gain more clients and my pay increases, I could easily see him taking the role as a stay at… Read more »
Sheena
Sheena
2 years 3 months ago

I don’t think it’s finances separating you from your community…

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

agree with sheena — making (a lot) more money than my friends doesn’t keep me from relating to them .. or enjoying a camping trip with them.

Beth
Beth
2 years 3 months ago

i do understand what Stephanie is saying…I make considerably more than most of my friends. At times, it is a strain because they never want to/can do things that you would like to do and you wind up doing things alone.

SK
SK
2 years 3 months ago
This is interesting to me because I’m just out of grad school and looking for work. Historically, I have always made more than my husband at several timepoints even when we weren’t together. So, I personally feel inadequate at times having to be so dependent on him. On the flip side, while he’s confident that at some point I will earn more than him (and supposedly very excited for me about it), the current expectation is that I manage all things household while he earns our keep. I don’t know if this is progressive or pragmatic thinking that while I… Read more »
Shannon
2 years 3 months ago
I find this thread really interesting. I’m seeing some people say they don’t talk about money, others say they pool finances. I was always taught to split expenses straight down the middle with my partner, because that’s what seems fair. If I make more than my partner (and I have in the past), that’s because of the effort I put in. I work for myself and make significantly more than my former partner did working for a company. It did affect our relationship, but what it honestly came down to – and he’ll admit it – is that I bust… Read more »
Craig
Craig
2 years 3 months ago
Splitting expenses straight down the middle might work if you make roughly the same already, but if there’s a larger disparity, it’s not straightforward. For example, I make $45K and my wife makes $80K. If instead my wife only made $60K, that might affect what kind of condo we’d choose to live in, so in effect we have higher housing expenses *because* of her extra income. If we split costs down the middle, that means I’m shouldering a proportionately higher burden for expenses we only took on because of her extra income. I was taught to pool the money and… Read more »
Sheena
Sheena
2 years 3 months ago

I see the splitting expenses down the middle thing when you’re dating and still technically an individual, I wouldn’t invest my hard earned money in a relationship that may not last. However, when my boyfriend and I marry we’ve agreed our funds will be pooled regardless of who makes what because marriage means we become a team.

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

What if the man makes 20x more. He makes 1 million+ a year. And woman makes 35k a year. Do you think that man is going to want to live in a dump?

Or visa versa. Woman makes 1m and man makes 35k. Will that woman live in a dump?

No.

Splitting it doesn’t make sense when it comes to income disparity.

MB
MB
2 years 3 months ago
Been Married 20+ years. When hubby and I met, I made twice what he did. We had lots of fights about money. He is more of a spender than I. He was not willing to go bare bones to pay off credit cards. after 10 years, he decided to go back to school and get his bachelor’s in Engineering. Then I took a job in higher education that payed less than my consulting positions. After a couple of years he started to surpass me in income as he has made a quick rise in the ranks and now he makes… Read more »
Chad
Chad
2 years 3 months ago

When my wife and I were first dating, if I had found out she was making significantly more than I was, I think my reaction would have been to do backflips of joy. Then again, I was (and am) comfortable in my career and the compensation I /am earning.

I think the challenge comes when a male partner is dissatisfied with his career trajectory and/or salary. The fact that his significant other earns more than him could then be seen as a constant reminder of that fact.

Chris T,
2 years 3 months ago

My fiance makes 3x as much as me. I have no problems with it, I just feel guilty sometimes my money only covers bills and she is the one doing all the saving.

28 male, toronto, ontario

Dude
Dude
12 days 12 hours ago

Then you do have a problem if you feel “guilty”

Michelle Roberts
2 years 3 months ago
I saw that spot on the Today Show and made sure to watch. Up until this past year, I had always made more money than my husband. He loves it though, because it is all part of the package of “me” that he says is intimidating to most men. In other words, the fact that I make a good bit of money is not the only thing that men find intimidating about me. In our famiily, it doesn’t matter who makes more money. We talk openily about our finances, and we both own our own businesses, so we both make… Read more »
Megan
Megan
2 years 3 months ago
When I met my now husband, I was making more than twice his salary. We had a conversation about salaries about a month into dating, and he was a little surprised at how much I made but wasn’t freaked out. Since we’ve been together, I’ve taken a lower paying job, been able to primarily support us while he was in grad school and now we are making about the same. When we were living together before we got married, we created an elaborate spreadsheet that tracked how we each contributed to our joint expenses, which included rent, groceries, utilities, going… Read more »
Laurie
Laurie
2 years 3 months ago
I am a 24 year old girl. My boyfriend is younger than me by a year, still finishing his undergrad and STILL somehow makes more than I do. And it’s always been this way (we met when I was 20 and he was 19). He’s always been ambitious and a self-starter, taking part in various startups, do lots of side-gigs, etc. That’s one of the reasons I was interested in him in the first place– his motivation. In any case, I’m happy I am with a guy that earns more than me. Looking ahead, I think this will always be… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
I’m a 29 year-old woman. When my fiance and I first met, I was 26 and he was 29. I was in the process of finishing up my masters, while he had just sold a startup to a fortune 500 company and was “taking some time off,” which meant going to yoga and getting massages until his next job started. I was earning $30k and living in San Francisco – it really wasn’t fun, financially. 🙂 Later, he took a job in academia, and I took one in industry, and I earned more than him for a year. Then he… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

PS: He’s Indian (also born in the US), so your jokes about bargaining and driving four-door practical sedans always crack me up, Ramit. 🙂

Stephanie
Stephanie
2 years 3 months ago

“feeling I’ve failed as a feminist”

These words make me sad. Why would earning less, however significantly, mean you failed as a feminist? I’ve always considered feminism about empowering women to make their own choices. If your choices and actions lead you to X income or to making the decision to become a SAHM for your family, then congrats! You are a success and have made your own decisions!

Only when someone takes that choice away do I feel that they have failed as a feminist.

Anne- Do Less, Earn More.com
2 years 3 months ago
I currently earn about 4x what my husband of 2 years earns. He is in the arts and despite his college education and hard work ethic he doesn’t make that much money. I run my own company and have an MBA. We keep our finances separate which seems to work well for us. We are both pretty good about not judging purchases that the other makes (other than the occasional roll of the eyes about a new handbag or pair of shoes- which has little to do with the money actually spent). The only time me earning more is an… Read more »
Lisa
Lisa
2 years 3 months ago
That’s really interesting, Anne. I’ve been happily married for 8 years and make 3x my husband’s salary (he’s in grad school). I manage our finances, but I make sure to discuss our financial status and savings goals with him often, so we are on the same page and can plan our life together, based around our mutual goals. I’m the one who gets nerdily excited about savings goals, and he is glad I handle our money well because then he doesn’t have to worry about it. That being said, I would actually be upset if my husband tried to “whisk… Read more »
Nila
Nila
2 years 3 months ago

I agree with Lisa. I make 100k more than my husband but we have a very similar setup as hers and have never fought about money issues due to earning. Also we try to spend his salary and save all of mine… That way he knows he is providing for the family while mine goes for loans, big ticket items, vacations and retirement saving.

Sam B
Sam B
2 years 3 months ago
My financial setup is more akin to Lisa’s here, where I manage the finances, and would be dismayed if my husband discarded my carefully built plan, just so he could “whisk me away”, but I see where Anne’s coming from, too. In my mind, the idea of him splurging and surprising me with a large vacation is far more pleasant, because it means he has planned and schemed and kept secrets, all in an attempt to pamper and delight me. It’s, again, the gesture that matters. But the reality, I think, would be awful. Even if it weren’t our joint… Read more »
Pauline
Pauline
1 year 8 months ago

Lisa, it seems like that we are in the same exact situation!

Nagina
2 years 3 months ago
Making more starts a domino effect into day-to-day life – and it’s much more tangible than only the psychology of how women and men feel when women make more. “Traditional” roles change – and it can work beautifully and be positive, but this shift can also bring a lot of internal conflict since this is all so new. For example, I’m a female management consultant and travel several nights a week. There is a lot of potential in my career for a significant salary, and it makes sense for me to work and keep moving up. Since my husband and… Read more »
Abbey
Abbey
2 years 3 months ago

I hear you, Nagina!

My husband was a stay-at-home dad for 2 years when our children were first born for similar reasons. He was amazing at taking care of the kids, making dinner, keeping the house running…and yet there’s something very primal that happened for me when the kids ran to dad instead of mom when they were hurt or scared. It took a lot for me to get over that.

H
H
2 years 3 months ago
I have travel in my job as well (and earn more), and my husband picks up the slack. He is the more visible parent to the school. My contributions are stuff like making sure permission slips get signed and tuition checks are written on time. I pick up so infrequently that they ID’d me one time I was able to. He is definitely the lead parent now, and she will ask him to do something even if I am closer. That hurts my feelings sometimes, but then again I was lead parent while she was younger, and I’m making up… Read more »
Just Some Guy
Just Some Guy
2 years 3 months ago
I have a conflict because I feel like I “should” be doing more traditional motherly responsibilities, like being at home when the kids get home, making after-school snacks, and helping them with their homework. …and yet there’s something very primal that happened for me when the kids ran to dad instead of mom when they were hurt or scared. <blockquote?He is definitely the lead parent now, and she will ask him to do something even if I am closer. That hurts my feelings sometimes. I commend all three of you ladies for your honesty in this thread. And for doing… Read more »
Lizzie
Lizzie
2 years 3 months ago
Our parenting is generally split 50/50, but when the balance slips, it slips in favor of my husband doing more. He’s a teacher, so when the kids are home for school breaks or summer vacation, he’s home with them. I don’t feel guilty or sad at all. Both my husband and I were more or less afraid of our dads when we were growing up, for various reasons (many of which were tied to the fact that we both had traditional breadwinner dads who didn’t spend much time doing stuff with us and who didn’t want to be bothered with… Read more »
Sam B
Sam B
2 years 3 months ago
Just Some Guy, I think I’m on the social conditioning side of this argument. I think we may be using the term primal here, but if it were really scientifically embedded that mothers should be the ones kids run to, the kids would have run to mom from genetic instict, regardless of the fact that dad is the one who cares for them in their little society at home. I think it’s more likely that we have grown up expecting that, one day, our children would run to us as moms, because thet’s the image we see proliferated. I ran… Read more »
Jonathan
Jonathan
2 years 3 months ago
When my wife and I first started dating she made more than me. I was making $42k and she was making nearly $55k. The gap didn’t stop there – I was coming off a failed startup, I was paying off a few thousand in credit card debt, and I lived with 4 roommates in an apartment sorely needing some renovations… oh, and it only had 1 bathroom. She had graduated with her PhD with the same amount of student loans I had graduated with after earning just my BS, lived in her own apartment, and already had a decent amount… Read more »
sam b
sam b
2 years 3 months ago

“…I want her to be able to pick and choose her part-time work while our children aren’t in school. I love it and I’m proud of what I earn now.”

I feel this way about my husband, even though we don’t have kids. He’s too sick to work right now, but when he re-enters the job-market, I make enough for him to really pursue what he wants to do. If he wants to take an unpaid internship, we can afford that. I want him to do something he loves and is passionate about, not some “job.”

Lizzie
Lizzie
2 years 3 months ago
My husband and I have been married for thirteen years, we have two kids, and I have always made more than he did. Sometimes it’s by $3K, as when we were first married, sometimes it’s by over $100K, as it is now. (That will change next year when he is hired full-time by the school district where he’s working part-time now.) He’s a teacher – a very good one – with two master’s degrees and I’m a consultant/researcher with a Ph.D. Growing up, my parents inculcated my sister and me with the idea that supporting ourselves was nobody’s business but… Read more »
sam b
sam b
2 years 3 months ago

I feel this way about guys who are taller than me. I am 5’11” and the average height of men in America is 5’10”. At some point, it just felt foolish to eliminate half of the male population based off of something that was so insignificant to my happiness, in comparison to all of the other traits I was looking for.

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

So, I recently left my fiance whom I was with for over 7 years. We were planning to be wed in July. I left her because after she spent over 7 years getting her bachelors degree she still didn’t know what she wanted and was okay with being a waitress. I suppose the biggest reason was because I work day shift and she worked nights and we never saw each other. But her lack of motivation was disheartening.

Skip
Skip
2 years 3 months ago

I would be happy as hell if my wife made 2X more than me….She’s great at her job, and someday it might just happen. Just means that the massages I give her will be a little longer I suppose! I find it hard to believe that a high earning female partner would be intimidating. Us guys need to sort out our insecurities.

Fiesta
Fiesta
2 years 3 months ago
I have outearned my husband since we met. It was twice as much initially and the gap has closed more recently and is now 30-40% depending on my bonus. We’ve had spats about money like everyone else but income disparity has never been an issue, beyond a brief period he was unemployed; although if I wasn’t contributing I am sure I would have been as narky too. He tells me he’s proud of what I make regularly, which on the anecdata of my friends and family, male or female, seems to be very unusual and certainly makes me feel good… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
I’ll be honest: my first feeling as a man would be to be with a woman who makes something similar to me. A little higher is fine. A lot lower is fine. A lot higher is weird. But I believe that value are all about rising above our feelings. Feelings are just natural reactions to various situations. They’re not right or wrong. It’s the way we respond to those feelings that’s right or wrong, and beneficial or harmful to us. The right response to that feeling is love: let her make more and love her. That’s what love means. It’s… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
I earn more than my husband, but not by a ton; I’d say our salaries are comparable. I’m at $64K and he’s at $50K. When we started dating, we were both fresh out of college, with zero income. Then we got jobs, and he earned more than I did for quite a few years. In fact, he supported me when I was “earning” negative income going to graduate school. At the time I felt guilty because his paychecks were what I used to buy groceries for us, but he was happy to support me during that time in my life.… Read more »
Jennifer
Jennifer
2 years 3 months ago
Yes, I earn more than my husband, that is not an issue and he has been happy for me. The challenge I have is that my job has moved me to several different countries and that is a non-traditional family pattern. I am in a company where several of my female colleagues and I have been the lead career and the lead salary. In the past “trailing spouses” were women, more and more often, the “trailing spouse” is the man. This leads to husbands seeking work in new cities and countries which can cause stress on the relationship. Some companies… Read more »
Joana
2 years 3 months ago
LOVE discussing this!! A yes ago, just about to finish college, I was reading Sandberg’s book “Lean in” on my way to an interview and decided to take a risk and negotiate my salary. I was offered 17K and said no, I was offered 20K and said no. After I left, the owner of the company asked how about 23K? So I agreed. Later we all got a raise, except for the only other female designer. I decided to be curious and ask around. I found out I was earning the same as the male designers that had been in… Read more »
Megan
Megan
2 years 3 months ago
I earn about 2x what my boyfriend of 5 years earns. When we first started dating, I was in school and he earned more than I did, but after graduation my salary started to grow and I am now the primary bread-earner. I don’t think it bothers him much (or at all), but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little. We split our bills down the middle, and he has no problem paying his half, but I can’t help but wonder… Is he doing something wrong? Is he not trying as hard or working as… Read more »
Amy
Amy
2 years 3 months ago
I make 2x what my husband does – it works great for both of us with no stress on either of our parts. I ask him about it every now and then just to test the waters and make sure we’re good, but he’s never given any indication that it bothers him. It allows him to do what he loves and build up his career to be a football coach – not something that happens overnight when you’re starting out. The joke between us is that he married me for my money now and I married him for his potential… Read more »
Cukamunger
Cukamunger
2 years 3 months ago
Most of the issue stems from the persons tendency to get jealous. My husband allows me to be myself and doesn’t mind that I flirt with friends or make more money, both within limits as to how I go about it. Now, that being said, he has been trying out earn me for the past 7 years and he is getting pretty close. I used to make 1.5x and now it is pretty well neck and neck. We had some issues when determining how much would go into our “fun funds” (every working couple should have 3 accounts), but we… Read more »
Christopher
Christopher
2 years 3 months ago
I’m 30 years old and was raised by parents where my mother made significantly more than my postal worker father. Both my parents didn’t finish their college education and my mom found success with equal parts ambition and being in the right place at the right time. There was never any concept in our family of four that what we had was different from the norm. Our house was loving and my dad seemed to enjoy taking swing shifts (which you can do in large postal hubs) so he could stay home with my sister and myself in the mornings… Read more »
Jim
Jim
2 years 3 months ago

I’m in my 40s. Long story short, in my 20s and 30s, I wasn’t good with money. Earning it and saving it. I’m reversing that trend now, but hey I was never cougar bait and I’m now older than some cougars. When I see women’s OKC profiles and they post photos of their great trips, I get concerned that they won’t want to be with someone who maybe can’t afford the trip or other things, because while I have a job (that I hate), it doesn’t pay much, and I can’t afford to keep up.

John Olson
John Olson
2 years 3 months ago
My wife earned more than me for the last 10 years. Still does as I am looking for a position to replace the income my restaurant had. Sold the restaurant. It does eat at me in a strangely traditional provider way. She is cool but would like some of the pressure off of her on the breadwinner thing. I would like to provide that for her and will soon enough. She is a better parent than I am. Sexist me, yep, I believe most women are better at that most men, so less time at work for her and more… Read more »
Anne
Anne
2 years 3 months ago
Right now, my husband makes more than I do – almost double. He’s a web developer with a few years of experience, I’m an office admin doing accountancy training in the evenings. We expect it to switch over the next few years. I’m much more of a go-getter than he is, and his salary will probably top out in about 5-10 years because he’ll be at a level he’s happy with. Whereas I have an interview with a Big 4 firm next week, zero illusions about the hours I’ll be working, and am incredibly excited. Long term plan is for… Read more »
Anne
Anne
2 years 3 months ago

Also worth noting: Yeah, I admit, I do judge people who aren’t making even as much as I am. Even in this economy and knowing that a lot of my friends are just out of college, it’s still… I mean, I’m not making that much right now. So there’s this little bitchy voice in the back of my head just going… “seriously guys?”

It’s true for both men and women, but yes, I definitely judge men more for it. Which makes me hate myself a little.

Rebecca
2 years 3 months ago

My fiance and I are both in the startup industry. Some years he has made more money, and some years I have made more money. When he is making more than me, I struggle a bit because I’m very independent and grew up with a single mother; I don’t want him to support me. He doesn’t have a problem when I’m making more, but the lines are drawn at being a stay-at-home dad. He always wants to work as an entrepreneur.

Kathy
2 years 3 months ago
When I was first with my husband, I was in school and working at an internship at Walt Disney World that made barely enough to pay bills and he was working a slightly more than minimum wage job in Indiana. When we got married, I was still in a school and he was working in retail. Within the next year, I had transitioned to a better than minimum wage fully beneficial office job and he was at a different retail job. Over the next 3 years, I moved up in the company and my husband changed jobs pretty much every… Read more »
Tim
Tim
2 years 3 months ago
When I met my wife, I was making more than she was. Then, 10 months later, I got laid off and when we got married I was unemployed. I haven’t earned what I would call a “decent” salary since before we were married and she has consistently out-earned me. I’ll be honest and say that it has lead to most of the troubles in our marriage. Sometimes it’s because she’s frustrated with me. Other times it’s because I’m frustrated with me. I’m thankful that we are able to life on her income and my additions are just a bit of… Read more »
anonymous
anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
I am a single (never married) 28 year old female, Asian-American, Christian who was born and raised on the West coast, currently a second-career student in health care (back to school for a second degree). I have never made more than 50,000 salaried or 60/hr freelance. My preference is to marry a guy who makes more than me because it symbolizes that he may probably have the ability to provide for his family whether I worked or not. (Note that I don’t make much to begin with). However, rather than a number, it’s more important to me that he understands… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago

Just wanted to add that I understand life isn’t straightforward and sometimes downright tragic… If I were in a situation where my husband became disabled or for whatever legitimate reason could not work, I would never say that he wasn’t fulfilling his role as provider. We would work through it together with the means we have at that time.

ANONYMOUS
2 years 3 months ago

Whenever someone complains to me about not getting a date,
I ask the guys “have you tried dating fat gals?”
I ask the gals “have you tried dating unemployed guys?”.
…I’ve never had one say “yes”.
We often assume that the ‘inferior’ party that’s to blame, but maybe it’s the ‘successful’ party who’s really the barrier.

Urbanely
Urbanely
2 years 3 months ago

I understand your point, but it sounds like you’re advocating that people settle for something as opposed to just adjusting their expectations. There’s a lot of gray area between fat and modelesque. There’s also alot of gray between Mark Zuckerberg-wealthy and unemployed. I suspect that if most people would adjust their expectations slightly, they’d be fine.

Justin
2 years 3 months ago
My girlfriend just got a great job and could very likely be making more than me within a year. Personally, I think this is VERY EXCITING, and I can’t forsee it making a strain on our relationship–are you kidding?? This is going to be amazing. It’s foolish to see more money as a bad thing! Another thing–of the two couples I’m closest with, who are doing the best and whom I have the utmost respect for, the women both make more than their counterparts. Let’s be real, women are generally more disciplined also, so I think this will only lead… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
I have almost always made more than my husband, and for a good chunk of our relationship I made 100% of our income while letting him persue dreams. For a while this was becoming a professional athlete, now he is back in school. He’s a hard worker, but money holds basically zero importance to him. I know that he wants to make enough that we can both live on his income, though, so that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to and if we had kids I could devote a lot of time to raising potential kids.… Read more »
Bukka
Bukka
2 years 3 months ago

My wife, who stayed home and raised our kids for the first six or seven years of our marriage, recently graduated college and just got a job making 2x as much as me. AWESOME!! She’s doing her dream job and I get to spend more time being creative and less time trying to figure out how to make the money work.

It just so happens that I love to create revenue streams and will likely balance the pay scale on and off, but with zero pressure to be the main bread winner. Totally fantastic. Who wouldn’t love this scenario?

Josie
Josie
2 years 3 months ago
My husband and I were married young right after we graduated college, but I had fairly high-paying jobs throughout college and had always made more than him except for a brief period of time. We are both pretty competitive, so we always try to out-earn each other, but it’s toward a common goal of us collectively making more money. Right now I earn more but I fully expect him to surpass me as he finishes his master’s and certificates. We have separate finances and split the bills by percentage i.e. o whoever makes more pays more of the bills, and… Read more »
Emily
Emily
2 years 3 months ago

What happened when I made more money than my ex? I ended up paying him alimony.

Michael
Michael
2 years 3 months ago
When my wife and I met, she made $45k and I made less than $20k. When our first daughter was born, we cut her hours to 75%, and then she told me that she really wanted to be a stay at home mom. (We were 32 at the time). I found a different job, and six years later I make 74k and she has been at home since last July. I feel like an awesome provider and she has the job she has always wanted! I guess you can hear my IS regarding being a provider coming through. I can… Read more »
Marin
Marin
2 years 3 months ago
I wonder if there is a threshold for where is seems to matter when the woman earns more than the man. And I also wonder if there is a wage gap that matters. For instance, one man posted that he earned over $100k and his girlfriend earned over $200k. $100k is already a good salary, and most women aren’t going to think the man is a bum if he earns that. Would a man earning $100k be intimidated by a woman earning so much more? Or say a woman earns $100k and a man earns $90k. Does that gap bother… Read more »
andy
andy
2 years 3 months ago
well, like stated here before… a difference from $100k to 250k or even $350k is not a big different because 100k like you say isnt bad! Now, let say a man makes $100k/ yr and the women makes 1 million a year ( usually is highly rare to make more than a million a year.. there are only a few thousands of women making that anyways. ) That million dollar person may want to buy things that only a person with a 100K salary dreams about… I mean It can workout perfectly.. but huge differences in income maybe means something..… Read more »
Scott
2 years 3 months ago

My wife earns more than I do, always has. The only problem I have with it is that sometimes I feel I am not pulling my weight.

Rob
Rob
2 years 3 months ago
My girlfriend is about to complete her degree to become a Psych Nurse Practitioner. We are both 30 and she will, within the next year, out earn me. This doesn’t bother me. For most of our relationship, she has out earned me. This year I will out earn her, but it is not the norm. We split things like rent and bills evenly, but when our incomes had a larger disparity, the rent would be skewed in that direction so it had the same percentage effect on our respective incomes. As we get older and earn more, we will be… Read more »
TK
TK
2 years 3 months ago
I am married to my wife for 8 years now; and in last 8 years we have been switching back and forth in terms of who makes more. The difference is always in range of 10% to 15% of gross income. We both are fine with this fact, and appreciate the fact that we can afford to pay off mortgages and cars. We both are quite ambitious and ambitious about each other’s career as well. So, who makes more doesn’t come into picture much, we rather focus on potential of making even more. I can imagine it being an issue… Read more »
Joe H.
Joe H.
2 years 3 months ago
It’s not always about money, exactly. In my field, I know quite a few straight couples where the woman is in industry and the man is in academia. Usually she’s technically the “breadwinner” because industry pays a lot more, but the academic job is more prestigious and seems to be treated as a higher priority. I don’t (personally) know any couples where the reverse is true. (Incidentally, in straight relationships between academics, the woman tends to be younger, which often means she’s less far along in her career when the man decides to go on the academic job market. This… Read more »
RandomLives
RandomLives
2 years 3 months ago
I am female, earning in the mid 200s , and he earns about 190 (depending on bonus payout). He was psyched to have more money coming in when I got my most recent position and surpassed him. Prior to that, he historically made about 20k more than me, except for a period where I took time off to have a baby. We’ve always pooled finances (married 10 years), so it’s never been a my money/your money thing. More money in the household = more opportunities for experiences for all of us. We only live on one income for all basic… Read more »
Joe
Joe
7 months 30 days ago

What are your respective jobs?

Gretchen
Gretchen
2 years 3 months ago

What happens is, everybody grows up and gets over it, I hope.

The man is happy that he has a good loyal wife who can contribute so much to his well-being, I hope.

The woman is happy and pretty darn busy, I know.

My mother’s career took off in a big way about the time my dad took an early retirement. Never seemed to be an issue for them. Not even at all! By then they had been together for 25 years and they had both surrendered to the marriage long ago.

Terry
Terry
2 years 3 months ago

Get real. How many women here would stay – or even get into a relationship with – a guy who made $9 per hour?

Stacey
Stacey
2 years 3 months ago

Terry, My last boyfriend was from a third world country and before that a student. I told my friend Benny who is single and a 37 year old student (but lives in a city with lots of hippy minded people) that by that age, most chicks have dated an arsehole so are looking for qualities such as a nice guy that understands them

Lisa
Lisa
2 years 3 months ago

I make more than my boyfriend, almost close to 2x more, and I have a lot more potential for earning more. It’s not an issue at all. As he says “I want you to make even more so I can stay home and take care of a dog.” We’ve been together for a while, so when we first started dating he was making more than me, but I’ve surpassed him now in income.

Single female, with high standards
Single female, with high standards
2 years 3 months ago
What I’ve seen in my life is a desire to be with someone who shares many of my characteristics – ambitious, driven, intelligent, engaged with people and life, doesn’t settle for less than what they want, willing to take calculated risks. What this leads to is wanting someone in a similar position as myself – not because of the position they’re in, but *because of what got them there*. I dream of meeting someone who has already created something for themselves (biz-wise) instead of just talking about it, someone who’s really into diet and fitness, takes care of themselves, someone… Read more »
Mark
Mark
2 years 3 months ago

Hello high standards,
It seems we are in the same situation. My last relationship ended because her lack of motivation and it was “easy”. I have always been ambitious and that will only lead me to higher income.
I know this is anonymous but where are you located?
-28yo From CT

SINGLE FEMALE, WITH HIGH STANDARDS
SINGLE FEMALE, WITH HIGH STANDARDS
2 years 3 months ago

I’m in Philly. Why do you ask?

Meg
Meg
2 years 3 months ago

I make more than my husband because I’m working 2 jobs at the moment. I lied to him and told him that no, he’s still out-earning met. It makes him feel better and I can do this because I manage our finances. What’s the harm, particularly since this a temporary situation? Frankly, I dislike outearning him, however marginally, and look forward to this part-time side gig ending and things returning to normal.

Mike Cellini
Mike Cellini
2 years 3 months ago

My very long term girlfriend makes way more money than I do currently. She’s a pharmacist and I’m a software architect – location plays a role here, there would be a lot more parit if we lived in California instead of central Illinois, but we’d still be poorer due to COL differences. Ultimately, no shits are given about the subject. I “manage” (see automate) all our finances and it’s just not a big deal for us. Just means we can retire earlier and gives me the flexibility to take some risks.

BC
BC
2 years 3 months ago
As a single guy who makes under $100K, I won’t mind if I woman who makes more. For me it’s about motivation. I’ve been taught to work hard on something your passionate about. For me I’m passionate about being relatively wealthy, not on income. It means for me that I want to be debt-free no matter what b/c there are plenty of women making over $100K who are awful with finances, same thing for the guys. In addition my experience through my co-workers who are much older tell me that they used to make well over $200K and now earn… Read more »
Some guy.
Some guy.
2 years 3 months ago
As a guy, I wouldn’t be interested in being with a woman who earned significantly more than me. Frankly, when looking for a wife, I specifically looked for a woman who was comfortable with a limited career/ stay at home mom. I don’t have a problem with women in the workplace at all, and those that are making more than me don’t bother me. I just wanted to get married to a woman who would raise children and take care of the house. My wife loves that there is no pressure for her to bring in any income; we’ve got… Read more »
Jack
2 years 3 months ago
I don’t think it would really affect me all that much (I can’t be sure because I haven’t dated any woman who makes more than me yet). For me, so long as she doesn’t make a big deal out of it I won’t either. I would never use how much money a person makes as a way to define a person. I make more than a teacher would make but I have all the respect in the world for anyone in the teaching field. To be able to put yourself on the line and hold yourself responsible for in some… Read more »
Suzie
2 years 3 months ago
I make more than my husband. He’s generally stuck to min-wage type jobs, whereas I have a career. It’s not an issue for us. I seem to remember that there was a study that showed middle-class women married to working-class men were the happiest, but I don’t remember what it was called or how valid it was, and it may have been one of those things that got told to me by someone else. I’d probably be pissed off if my partner earned more than me, I can be pretty competitive (heck, I am mad that my friend earns more… Read more »
AnonyMs.
AnonyMs.
2 years 3 months ago
I am happiest dating blue collar / working class people. They share my same values of hard work, valuing a dollar, having fun with no money, understanding that poverty isn’t due to lack of effort, etc. They tend to share my political views and my most important values. It is hard for me to enjoy spending time with someone who likes to spend a lot of money on things when there are starving people in the world. I’d rather have a solid person who works in a coffee shop and plays in a band (for free) than a no morals… Read more »
A.
A.
2 years 3 months ago
My boyfriend earns a little bit more than me, and I’d feel comfortable earning a little bit more than him (about 20K more at the most). But honestly, I’d be terrified to much more than that because I’ve seen a lot of relationships break up because of the power shift in a relationship. Women don’t associate self worth as much with the earnings the way men do. And men feel like they don’t have the power once a woman out-earns them by a lot. When I moved to the US from Europe with my parents, there was a short period… Read more »
Dave Sandel
2 years 3 months ago

As a male, I don’t understand these male insecurities.

I’d be happy to find a girl to date that wasn’t:

A) Pretentious
B) Flaky
C) Afraid to get dirty

(Who am I kidding, I could have stopped my sentence at the word “date”.)

High income is the least of my worries. Another favorite male insecurity of mine is height. I’m 5’9 and once dated a woman that was 6’1. I got more questions about how I felt about that than the fact that she was a figure model. lol?

Owen
Owen
2 years 3 months ago

I don’t care. I am a man who makes a 6 figure salary. Female members of my profession sometimes make more money depending on the position that they have and in no way does it bother me. In fact I have found that females often are better at what we do.

ava
ava
2 years 3 months ago

I think its a problem as much as you make it one. I have some female friends who go on dates and theyre like: “Hi, Im Susie, I make 150k a year, and a I have 2 master’s degrees.” Then she comes home and complains about men being “intimidated”. I don’t think they’re intimated, just turned the hell off. My husband and I ebb and flow. It’s a team effort. He isn’t bothered either way.

Just a Woman with a Thought
Just a Woman with a Thought
2 years 3 months ago
There was a point where I made substantially more than my husband. It only became an issue, if money was being spent unwisely (on both ends to be fair). My husband never expressed a concern with me making more money, in part because I believe that he is secure with himself and also because I didn’t throw it in his face (my money this, my money that). My husband encourages me to make more and do more, as I him. I am working on my doctorate while my husband has a bachelors. He was the one who encouraged me and… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
Stats: Me: 32, $100k, Bachelors and Masters in Engineering Wife: 33, $125k, Bachelors in Engineering, MBA We started dating at 23-24, the difference in our pay has fluctuated over the years but she has generally made more. She just got a raise and the gap is now the biggest its ever been. It has always been “an issue” and she has always wished that I made more money than her. However its really just that she wishes I made more money, and no matter what women say here I’m sure most of them wish their husband made more money. However… Read more »
Andrew Williams
2 years 3 months ago

My partner makes about twice as much a year as I do, and I really don’t care that much. We split costs on bills, etc in about the same proportion, and what I lack in terms of cash I bring in spades in the form of tech support, organising the housework and “practical” things like flatpack furniture.

We’re both men, however, so I’m not sure what that says.

JenN
JenN
2 years 3 months ago
When we started dating my boyfriend was making less than me (working at an IT management job he’d had for several years that wasn’t paying anywhere near market rate). He wasn’t bothered by the disparity in our wages, but he did notice that I enjoyed my work much more than he did. I’m self-employed and in addition to making more than he was, I was working fewer hours and doing what I love. It led him to examine his situation and decide that he was unsatisfied and wanted a change. A couple months later he changed jobs, got a sizable… Read more »
Andrew Slominski
Andrew Slominski
2 years 3 months ago
I LOVE that my fiancé makes more money than I do! It’s more money for us! But seriously, We’ve been together for seven and a half years now and we’ve had some good times and some difficult times, but money has always been tight. Sometimes she has earned slightly more, other times I’ve earned slightly more or had more steady employment. I have a steady job that pays ok, but she got her masters degree and is now a public school teacher. Her take home pay after benefits and taxes is roughly double mine. I think that’s great! She’s smart… Read more »
Tim
Tim
2 years 3 months ago
My wife earned more than me for a few years. It was a little weird. She took some bad advice from a family member during that time: “you make more money- put some in a bank account he doesn’t know about and use it for yourself!” During that time she also ran up credit card debt I didn’t know about. That was almost a dealbreaker, but we stuck together and got it worked out. Now we’re credit card debt-free. Since then I’ve grown my business and added side income. She transitioned to a lower paying job with great benefits that… Read more »
Howard Fore
Howard Fore
2 years 3 months ago

I’d say woohoo and move on to other things. Money is only one part of a whole list of things that have to work out.

J. P.
J. P.
2 years 3 months ago
I was doing high paying consulting and he had never had a job, always living off his parents. At first, the dynamic was fine – he thought it was glamorous to date someone who’s at the Firm and constantly traveling, and I thought he was cute and sexy. I taught him a thing or two about life and careers as he seemed pretty naive and inexperienced. We were the same age – but it seems like more development is expected of women, or it just happens like that. Eventually he started acting in ways that were aggressive and dominant. He… Read more »
casey bartlett
casey bartlett
2 years 3 months ago

Hey Ramit,
I knew when I decided to study theology and become a pastor it was very likely that my wife will end up earning more than I do. I am ok with that. My career is not about the money, if it was I wouldn’t be a pastor. Which is why I love how you use the word “earn” instead of “make”. What I make does not have monetary value- it is priceless. What I earn is not much but what I make is worth it.

anonymous
anonymous
2 years 3 months ago

I think it depends a lot on what the income difference is. If it was minor, then it’s not a big deal. However, I make significantly more than my husband and it can be a point of tension for both of us. I think it may have less to do with typical gender roles than it does contributing equally to a common lifestyle. For example, I want to go on nice vacations and not feel like I’m picking up the tab for two of us.

Jefferson
Jefferson
2 years 3 months ago

I’m single/male but recently had a career change resulting in almost a tripling of my income.

Before, I was fairly unsatisfied with my job/salary and I feel like it might have bothered me if my partner’s salary were higher than mine but I think mostly because I was already unsatisfied with my own compensation. Now that I feel like I’m doing something commensurate with my abilities/skill and compensated accordingly, I don’t find a woman with higher salary than me intimidating/unattractive.

kay
kay
2 years 3 months ago

I make more money than my husband…and, I have to admit, it doesn’t have as big an impact as I thought it would. Perhaps the key difference is that our careers started on the same pay scale, but after our daughter was born, my career went in a different direction.

We make spending decisions together and he handles our investment decisions. We both come to our relationship with different strengths. And, whatever the issue is, it’s us against the problem.

Paul
Paul
2 years 3 months ago

I make 5x more than my wife, and I manage all the finances/bills. In many ways we both have “traditional” gender roles in our relationship. Sometimes I get frustrated by that, it would be nice to not have so much pressure on me. I worry that our lifestyle hinges almost entirely on my income.

Thankfully we’ve been moving forward to remove that dependence, such as getting additional side businesses started, and convincing my wife to apply for regular part time jobs.

Terry
Terry
2 years 3 months ago

What happens when men earn, say, $9 per hour? Do women even WANT to have a relationship with them? Not with the guys at my workplace.

JP
JP
2 years 3 months ago

I’m a woman with a decent income of my own and I would rather date an ambitious, hard-working $9/h guy than a spoiled trust fund kid.

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

women who make a lot of money (i am one) may not care about how much you earn but they DO care about what kind of person you are. if you find a really smart, funny, awesome person who makes your heart thump making $9/hr, hell yeah, you date him.

AnonyMs.
AnonyMs.
2 years 3 months ago

I agree with the other two comments. The awesome person who happens to earn 9$ an hour, awesome! I care about how you spend your time, what your passions are, whether you will go hiking with me.

Shelley
Shelley
2 years 3 months ago
I make significantly more than my husband. My salary makes up more than 85% of our income. It’s not that I make so much money, but that he works for a “cause” that isn’t paying much at this time–a non-profit Chinese TV network that broadcasts uncensored information into China and produces technology that helps people there jump across the Great Firewall. We both believe in this cause and decided together that he would full time there while I would work part time there and get another full time job in a well-paying industry so we could survive in our very… Read more »
Eric
Eric
2 years 3 months ago

This always seems like the weirdest thing to get bunched up about. You’re a couple, not competitors. Don’t you want strong people on your team?

Personally, I perceive a woman who is making more money than I am as MORE attractive, because that says to me that she’s competent and successful, both things that I look for in a partner.

I wonder if the guys who are threatened by high-pay women are also threatened if their (male) friends make more than they do. Either way, it seems like it reflects pretty poorly on the guy’s character.

Mary
Mary
2 years 3 months ago
I find these responses interesting because most of them go against what I have experienced. I’m a female who has out-earned in every one of my relationships. 1st relationship – we were both in school. he graduated and started making money. i graduated a few years later and got a better position out-earning him. Our relationship didn’t last much longer than that. He didn’t feel like a man anymore. 2nd relationship – i was earning money while he was in grad school. he knew that once he graduated he’d make more than me – no problems there. 3rd relationship –… Read more »
TKB
TKB
2 years 3 months ago
I run into this issue all the time. My two most recent serious ex-boyfriends both made significantly more than I did. But that I graduated from an Ivy League school and they didn’t (they came from top second tier schools), combined with my earning *potential* (something that Torabi talks about, too), threatened them. It was the most bizarre thing ever to me. From my perspective, they were both geniuses in their field. The most recent ex in particular was truly wealthy and one of the all-around smartest people I’ve ever met, but even he was threatened by my “success” and… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
Wow, a lot of “politically correct” responses here… I really like reading the “anonymous” responses, or the ones of people with no pictures and just their first names, because they seem to be a lot more honest (and speak from real world experience). At the moment, my girlfriend and I are both freelancers. She’s got HUGE ambitions for her business, and has had some huge months… she’s definitely, at this point, making more than me. And it is very intimidating. She would likely tell her friends (or post on here) that I’m “man enough” to not care if she makes… Read more »
Dayna
Dayna
2 years 3 months ago
I live with my boyfriend & make about $1K more a month than he does. But I have a daughter & more student loans, so our mutual bills (rent, insurance, utilities) are split 50/50 and we have a separate bank account just for this. So the majority of our cash is kept separate & we trade off with groceries, etc. I imagine the tides will shift when we get married. But for now, it works and it’s fine. But what interests me more is what other ladies have noted as well – the AMBITION GAP. I am very ambitious, always… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
I am a 30 year old female software engineer that makes about $80-90k. Most of the men I meet make around $15-20k. They talk about how broke they are constantly. I don’t tell them what I make, but after a while they pick up on that I have more assets and nice things than them and I don’t talk about being broke all the time. Even if I was broke, I wouldn’t talk about it all the time. If someone tells me he’s saving up for a PS3/XBox360 for months now but can’t manage to hang on to the funds,… Read more »
MORGAN
MORGAN
2 years 3 months ago

Totally agree on the disparity when dealing with $. I know this is not men vs. women. I have plenty of female friends who are crap with money too. Very good points. (Also feel lucky I haven’t dated a SAHG yet. :))

Angela
Angela
2 years 3 months ago
Hi Ramit, what a great topic. I think I might have a different viewpoint than a lot of people, since I was raised in a household where my mom made more than my dad did. Because of this, I have no problem making more than a guy I date. Whether the guy cares or not, is a different story. My first serious relationship out of college, I ended up getting a really great job, while my boyfriend at the time was still struggling to find something. I truly believe he broke up with me partly because of the success I… Read more »
Ward
Ward
1 year 5 months ago
Your situation interests me since my girl friend and I will face similar issues soon. We have been together for almost a year now. She is 35 and I’m 24. When we first moved in together, our incomes were nearly equal. (She made 10 % more than I did) and we shared expenses equally. Recently she received a great promotion at work so with salary and commissions, she is now earning twice as much as I earn and this will only increase. Before much more time passes, we want to get pregnant and have at least one child together. Nancy… Read more »
Andrew
Andrew
2 years 3 months ago

As a guy, I think I’m fine with it up to 5x the income. But, this is just theoretical 🙂

Tara
Tara
2 years 3 months ago
I make about three times as much as my husband, when we first started dating I think this was a problem mainly because he felt he was not bringing enough to the relationship and that I did not “need him”. I had to work on letting him know that his loving, funny, caring personality is what I needed not another paycheck. Also from my own experience I think women can act more masculine in high-powered jobs and when we get home we need to tone that down and be more of a feminine mate. Sometimes my husband will tell me… Read more »
Kevin
Kevin
2 years 3 months ago
I would be jealous, but to a point. The number I calculated out for my ideal lifestyle would be roughly $100K a year. Until I got to this point, and my GF was earning significantly more, I would be jealous. Once I got to the income I was comfortable at, if she earned more, it would only marginally bother me, like if she earned half a million I’d be a bit intimidated. I suppose if I dated someone always looking to spend on fancy dinners, expensive travel, and high end fashion, then yes I would feel pressure to earn more,… Read more »
Jessica R.
Jessica R.
2 years 3 months ago
I out-earn my husband by quite a bit. On a day-to-day basis, there are no problems. We actually do budget so we both know where the money is going to and how our savings are growing. We’re aligned on future monetary goals, so, there are few ‘big ticket’ issues. At times though, it can be annoying. He is a lot more frugal than I am – which is great for our bottom line – but I have found myself thinking things like “I didn’t bust my butt all week to earn this money just so you could worry about whether… Read more »
Kate
Kate
2 years 3 months ago
I’m a female in my mid-twenties. I earn double what my partner earns, and with a promotion in sight, I’ll earn triple what he earns. The result is that he takes more initiative to show his affection by doing “free” things like making dinner for us, picking up flowers, fixing up our place, etc. I tend to show mine by buying concert tickets, paying for hotels on a weekend get-a-way etc. We don’t pool our money and I don’t want to. Sure I’ll probably contribute more to common things like a house, car etc. But we have made lifestyle choices… Read more »
Ruth Walther
2 years 3 months ago
My uncle was born around 1940, and was an extremely masculine (dare I say macho?) man who spent years as a well-paid advertising executive (imagine a Hispanic Don Draper with green eyes.) He married a woman became a powerful executive assistant (those days called the secretary the boss can’t live without) at a very exclusive retailer. Later in life, he started a business in an unrelated field and almost lost his shirt. He candidly told me one day in front of his wife how much he admired her career and was glad for her income that permitted him to live… Read more »
Julia
Julia
2 years 3 months ago

My husband makes twice as much as I do, which is fine for both of us as we expect that I will be the primary care for our kids. It’s a pretty traditional division that we are both happy with. I expect to work part time, but the financial blow from my reduced salary will be paltry compared to what would happen if he stopped working.

Brittany Ritcher
2 years 3 months ago

It really depends on the industry – there are just different expectations. Plus, you would hope that your significant other would be supportive and excited that you are making more, considering that it will still impact both of you in the long run. My boyfriend is ALL FOR me making more money. He wants to be a stay at home dog dad! haha Thanks for an interesting post! xo

Best,
Brittany
http://www.soultiply.com

Erica
Erica
2 years 3 months ago
Here’s the unvarnished truth about what often happens when a woman out-earns a man. It starts out roughly the same — the man and woman both have decent paychecks. Then they become committed. Within a couple of years at most, the man somehow gets laid off and/or begins “pursuing his dream.” He often continues to buy expensive things. The woman continues to earn and quietly picks up one bill and then another. The woman gets a promotion. He tinkers away at whatever he tinkers away at. Eventually, it becomes clear that no matter how much self-loathing the man feels, he… Read more »
Urbanely
Urbanely
2 years 3 months ago
I’m married and my husband’s base salary is lower than mine, but thanks to perks and commission, he makes a little bit more than I do, and has the potential to make much more (about double) my salary. When we met, he had quite a bit of debt and was making much less than I did. I wasn’t as concerned about the salary as I was about the debt and lack of financial discipline. When we got serious as a couple, I helped him with his finances and helped him get a better job. He’s not a type A personality,… Read more »
Ed
2 years 3 months ago

My girlfriend earns more than me, I brag about it to my friends! I’m proud of her!

Lynn
Lynn
2 years 3 months ago
When my husband and I first married we both made under $55K, I made roughly 20K more than him. It did create problems for us, but not in the way I think most people would think. He was actually really happy about my increase in pay. When he was laid off from his job he actually thought that I could be the bread winner longterm. He could stay home,take care of everything including any kids that came our way, he could work part time, whatever. I was the one that didn’t like that I made more. Nor, could I stand… Read more »
g-anon
g-anon
2 years 3 months ago
I earn more than my husband and have always expected to. But he works way more hours (probably double mine) and way harder (mostly manual), and has way more in assets (land, etc.). I do more second-shift work (childcare, cooking) – and we try to split cleaning. I don’t think either of us has felt weird about the fact I make more – it’s just been an accepted thing (but we’ve been together since we were 19, so maybe that’s why?). For a while we contributed equal amounts to our household spending acoount and I put extra in savings. After… Read more »
Michael
Michael
2 years 3 months ago

I am truly inspired by ambition, dedication on hard work. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the gym, in the work place or in athletics.

If I had a girlfriend/wife who made twice as much as me, I’d be inspired, thrilled and supportive. Anyone who pursues success in any arena needs support and encouragement, especially from those closest to them.

So to all you successful ladies out there, continue to push forward, aim higher and earn ten times as much. And may you find a mate that embraces your success.

Jen
Jen
2 years 3 months ago
I make more than my husband – always have. We didn’t marry early and I knew what I was getting into when we got married. I’d dated enough rich guys who were jerks, that I had no problems marrying a really GOOD human being. Occasionally, I’m a little resentful, because I make so much more than him that I daydream from time to time about what it would be to have the really nice house, the really nice car, etc. But I think that would happen no matter how much we have – everyone wants more. I waited a long… Read more »
Rick Garza
Rick Garza
2 years 3 months ago

I earn more than my boyfriend of many years. It’s intimidating for him and he’s not willing to commit because he feels he’s holding me back. I stopped sharing with him my promotions or raises. And I let him pay when we’re out to help him feel better.

sarah
sarah
2 years 3 months ago
A woman or man can earn as much as they chose (please take as read that involves a consumate level of drive and commitment). But why do you need to tell anyone how much you earn? Earning money is important – it pays the bills and can allow you to have some fun, but, in real happiness terms finding the right person to share your life with is way more important. To do that we need to put down the to do list and goals list, we are not shopping here, we cannot buy this. The only thing that can… Read more »
Fiesta
Fiesta
2 years 3 months ago
You’re like the third or fourth person in this thread who doesn’t tell their partner how much they earn. Please don’t think I’m judging – how other households manage their money is none of my business in the slightest and lord knows there are things in my life people could judge – but this is insanely interesting to me and honestly I find it more boggling than anything else in these comments, much of which is predictable. On a practical level, I suppose it’s no different not knowing whether your spouse make $10k or $20k per month than knowing they… Read more »
Chris
Chris
2 years 3 months ago

I currently make the money in our relationship and my wife stays home with our son but I sure wish she made more money than me when working.

Then I could be the stay at home Dad I was meant to be! 🙂

Chris
Chris
2 years 3 months ago
I’ve been in this situation myself. It was no big deal at the time and I can’t imagine it being a big deal for me now. In the past, my wife had incredible skills as an office and contracts administrator. I was struggling to find my way. The reason I think it was no big deal is because I was doing anything and everything it took to bust my ass and make a living. From all types of construction to cleaning toilets to whatever. There was NEVER a question as to if I would do what it took. I was… Read more »
Kash
Kash
2 years 3 months ago
I’ve thought about a few times. My wife and I work in the same industry and there’s a real chance she will earn more than me. I’m a little bit old fashioned so in my mind, it’s my job to make us ‘glide’ (ie. we should both be able to live on my income and achieve some basic savings goals), while my wife can make us ‘soar’ (her earnings make our savings go into overdrive and will probably go into a down payment for a mortgage down the line as long as my income is enough to make the mortgage… Read more »
Jim
Jim
2 years 3 months ago
I do well for myself, late 20’s and making 150k+ in a not terribly high cost area. I would feel emasculated by a girl that made more than me. More importantly – I think the underlying qualities that would cause a girl to make more money than me would make me not attracted to her. Like, I think she would need to be so cutthroat, ambitious, or one-track-minded that I wouldn’t be interested in her. She’d almost certainly need to be a doctor or lawyer – general personality types I want nothing to do with. Basically I assume the personality… Read more »
Alex
Alex
2 years 3 months ago

babyshower

Deanne
Deanne
2 years 3 months ago

I’m so glad you sent this e-mail – I’ve had two types of experiences with this. I own two businesses at this point, and am now in my mid-30’s and I typically find that guys are either very put-off by the fact that I am ambitious and independent, or – and this is equally bad – they suddenly see me as their “ticket” to the life they imagined but for whatever reason can’t seem to achieve through their own life choices.

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

So true.

Brian
Brian
2 years 3 months ago
Huh… I’ve never tracked this or been in relationship long enough to really dive into this so I can’t say much. I will say though that instinctively I prefer to lead the woman and would like to make more and be a provider. I make between $30 and $50/hour currently depending on the kind of job I’m doing. With the last 2 women I dated I do recall them wanting me to make more money than them, both encouraged me to go rock that domain while they were both not making much themselves. My experience with money is that there… Read more »
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
I earn more than my husband. He’s more or less my “housewife” so I can put in the longer hours and push my career for supporting both of us at this time. When we started dating, he earned maybe 10-15K more, then got laid off. Sticking by him when a large part of his identity was related to his job/title and reminding him of his other positive attributes helped. He got a new job a while later, we got married, the company he worked for went bankrupt. Was great to be able to put him on my health insurance. I… Read more »
Lizzie
Lizzie
2 years 3 months ago

The class aspect is a really good point. I’m from a working class background (working class on a good day; scratching a living from subsistence farming on a bad day) and my husband is upper-middle class. I’m definitely a lot twitchier about our finances than he is. He just sort of assumes that we will have the money available to do whatever we want or need.

ksk
ksk
2 years 3 months ago
My wife will always earn more than me… she’s a physician and I will be lucky to earn 6 figures one day. I do not think it has changed our relationship much since the days when she was in medical school or a resident and I made more than her. I guess because we always knew it would happen. I had coworkers previously who all were men and all earned more than their wives. Some of them made it clear they would rather earn more than their wives than have wives who earned twice as much as them…. I find… Read more »
Laura
Laura
2 years 3 months ago
I was in a relationship with a man for several years who made about half as much as I did. Money was never important to me since I always reasoned that I make enough to take care of myself and therefore could look for love and not worry about whether or not the person could support me financially. After my experience though, I don’t think I will ever date someone who makes significantly less than me such that his lifestyle is very different than mine. It was always an issue for this particular boyfriend and he resented the luxuries I… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

Going to have to up-vote this one.

Anon
2 years 3 months ago

This also seems like it would be more of a problem when finances are not joined. When working towards a common goal/account, it seems to be more of a situation of “our” money, “our vacation”, not “my” money and “my vacation”.

ANON
ANON
2 years 3 months ago
^^seconded. I’ve been on both sides of the equation (pre-MBA and post-MBA) and it’s painful. Pre-MBA, I briefly dated a guy who made 30K more than me. I could pay all my bills, so his extra 30K was 100% available for the “fun” and “optional” things in life. He got mad when I asked him to prioritize which of the 40 different $$ things he wanted me to do that summer – because he wanted me with him, but not enough to just buy the tickets for the two of us. None of the things individually were all that expensive,… Read more »
The Dude
The Dude
2 years 3 months ago
The Big Lebowski: “What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? …Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost?” The Dude: “Um, sure–that and a pair of testicles.” Within the next several months, my fiancee will have a new job and be making substantially more money than me for the first time in our relationship. My honest reaction: AWESOME. I wish she’d be making 200% more than me instead of just 20%. There’s nothing strong or “manly” about holding down your woman’s prospects in life because you’re insecure about your role–if you are worried she’s going to somehow… Read more »
Jerome Harrod II
Jerome Harrod II
2 years 3 months ago
As a 22 year old male with a small local biz in real estate, I could care less how much money my girl makes in a relationship. All I care about in a woman is how she takes care of her body, what her principles in life are, and her emotional maturity towards men & relationships. Infact, if it’s a gun to my head choice, I WANT her make more than me. Usually, if she’s making more than me, she either understands one or both of two things. 1. She knows what hard work is and is not expecting to… Read more »
Nicole
Nicole
2 years 3 months ago
I earn significantly more than my husband and it has never really been a problem. We have been together since college when we were both poor and then right out of school I only made a little bit more than him. Over the last few years I’ve gotten large pay raises and he is nothing but thrilled for me each time. Like other posters have said our money is pooled so it never really is much of a problem. He has always been a better saver than I so it is nice having someone to keep me in check, otherwise… Read more »
Claire
Claire
2 years 3 months ago
I came back to your Web site when you started talking about dating. Hah. And I remember that Twitter discussion about gender and money. My sister is a doctor and her husband stays at home to take care of their toddler. He still works very part-time in an artistic/teaching occupation. It works for them though it’s in the minority. It seems to me that the man has to identify with his role that he is bringing something other than money, more valuable than money. He makes her happy. Money cannot buy that for either of them. Incomes change. Things happen.… Read more »
Wendy
Wendy
2 years 3 months ago

I make more than my husband and have for a few year but we have gone back and forth over our 16 years together. We combine our money from the picture perspective (everything linked in Mint) but keep our money in our own accounts. My husband likes it when I make more because he feels a lot of stress when he is the primary bread winner.

Luna
Luna
2 years 3 months ago

we manage for it not to be a problem. I keep my money separate from his (he has spending issues) save for my own expenses. I’m a total miser so he rarely actually has to deal with me spending it

ANONYMOUS
ANONYMOUS
2 years 3 months ago
I think the issue of which spouse makes more can hurt the most in the case of a divorce. We know that statistically a married couple in the USA faces pretty much a 50% chance of a divorce. Now, in each state the law is different, but in some states the higher earner owes a big chunk of his/her earnings to the lower earner even after the divorce. For how long will depend on the length of the marriage. I personally know people who have been burned by this in the State of NY. The moral of the story is… Read more »
Amy
Amy
2 years 3 months ago

This is a bit undeveloped really. The distribution of financial assets after a divorce takes into account way more than how much each partner makes, not to mention the fact that alimony is generally not of infinite duration and can be altered when circumstances change. The divorce laws were certainly not established to make more money for divorce attorneys – they were established to take into account the different contributions made by each spouse towards the setting up of a life. People who bandy about divorce statistics rarely take the time to investigate what’s behind them.

momotchi
momotchi
2 years 3 months ago
It’s funny how the androcentric view is so powerful in our world that many women don’t feel comfortable with a partner who is smaller than them, or who earns less money than them. Inconsciously, women feel that they have to choose a partner who dominates her by height, or by income. It becomes a very important criteria for many. Same thing from the men’s side, they might feel uncomfortable if they are not the “leader”, the “protector”, in summary the one who dominates. And even though many are aware of this, it doesn’t mean that people will change their opinion… Read more »
H M
H M
2 years 3 months ago

I am 28 and do not have a college degree.

I have split up with several girlfriends who had a college degree.

I know it was because I earned less then them.

The war against boys and men continues as evidenced by the college stats of attendees at college and graduation figures.

The feminist movement went to far.

It is time to find some equilibrium!

T.C.
2 years 3 months ago

H.M., I fail to see how you not getting a college degree, and you breaking up with girls that had them, has anything to do with the feminist movement or some “war against boys.”
If your supporting evidence for the feminist movement going too far is the fact that these ladies earned more than you, I have to wonder if you breaking up with them is also your idea of equilibrium. I’d love to know more about the psychology of why them earning more was a turn-off.

Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago

My wife makes 3x what I make, and she’s well on her way to making almost 5x what I make. I don’t feel bad, because I’m writing her cover letters and doing her applications for her. I feel like I’m contributing.

Chris Park
Chris Park
2 years 3 months ago
As a man in this situation, I have to say that I find it both challenging in terms of the traditional, “I’m supposed to be the breadwinner,” yet I find peace in knowing that I’m working to provide in the best way I’m able. Something else to consider: in Proverbs 31, we have a picture of a blessed woman who provides for her family with work from her own hands as well as through shrewd investments, such as real estate–& her husband praises her for it! As well as earning a good reputation for herself, she gives a good name… Read more »
Phillip
Phillip
2 years 3 months ago
My wife earned 2x what I earned $130,000 vs $60,000. She’s also in a very stable industry (pharmacy) working for a national brand with great benefits and I am in a much less stable industry (homebuilding). When we started dating she was in grad school and broke. I found her earning potential to be a great quality in a partner and was never intimidated that she’d earn more. When she was pregnant with our first child it wasn’t really a serious discussion as to who would stay home. My employer let me adjust my schedule, work from home most of… Read more »
Heather
Heather
2 years 3 months ago
When my husband and I started dating, I had a job and he was finishing school. I fronted the money for us to move in together and kept track of our expenses so he could pay me back. Then he got a job and earned more than me (which he has done ever since). Then we got married and got a joint bank account (I’m the household bookkeeper, and I like my job to be easy). When we both went back to grad school, he was the first to finish and supported me for several months while I finished my… Read more »
Steve
Steve
2 years 3 months ago

I had the opposite problem… When she made more than I did, she acted as if her vote weighed more when it came time to finances.
The month I started earning more than her she started competing, in an unhealthy way, to try and gain that advantage again. Then I started earning over $100k and she pouted and became unsupportive.

Please do not generalize guys just because of some. I never minded if a lady made more, only if she was fun, smart and confident. Happy is priceless.

Andrew
Andrew
9 months 15 days ago

Yes, I hear you. When partners mix love and business together then you see the nasty side of people more likely than the better side. It sounds to me like she enjoyed having more power and did not like losing it.

Brian
Brian
2 years 3 months ago
My male imperative to provide and protect (which are less important now than before but still hardwired) make it difficult to be attracted to someone who makes a lot more than I do. It’s like, what’s my purpose to her then? I had to break up with my ex because not only did I feel more and more neglected over the years, I’d found out she was making 6 figures precisely by neglecting me and putting money first, while I tried to juggle both grad school (i.e., making no income) and her worries about our drifting apart. Turned out to… Read more »
Apoorv
2 years 3 months ago

In my case its totally opposite. My girlfriend makes more money than me. But I am always supposed to pay for dinner & outings. I mean I understand we are still dating. But she told me that if we ever get married then I have to pay for most of the household expenses. I don’t know what will happen but we have been dating for just over one year now. I don’t know what future holds.

Andrew
Andrew
9 months 15 days ago

This girl is walking all over you and your days are numbered. Just say to her that you will never marry her with an attitude like that, and wait for her reaction 🙂

Laura
Laura
2 years 3 months ago
I earn 2x more than my husband does, and while I can’t speak for him it seems like he is pretty cool with the situation. For me however, I’ll admit it was a real struggle releasing what I felt like was my right to decide how the majority of our money was spent. I mean, come on, I made most of it didn’t I? I would get mad when he made big purchases that didn’t coincide with my desires and I felt like he had no right to to even ask about big frivolous purchases I might make. So not… Read more »
anon
2 years 3 months ago

How did you get to that point? Because I am feeling much more like the first half of this, and would love to be able to let go of “my money” vs “his money”.

Chris
Chris
2 years 3 months ago
I moved in with my girlfriend about 6 months ago and our wage gap makes it difficult because we are in different stages of our careers. She is 23 and just graduated whereas I am 28 and have been in my industry for almost 10 years. It’s hard because she wants to split everything 50/50 which I respect but then I feel bad when she’s just scraping by and I’m living comfortably. I’d love if she made more than me because I’m completely comfortable with what I make and more importantly my earning potential, and I’d love for her to… Read more »
Etienne
Etienne
2 years 3 months ago

I think there is a presumption that the man would be embarrassed or somehow feel inferior, but I honestly do not think (hopefully) that any of my friends would feel that way. I would be happy because after all, I get to enjoy the fruits of the labor too.

Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
I am a 26 year-old woman and I earn about $10k more than my partner – he makes $49k, I make $60k. Not a huge difference, but my earning potential is much greater over time – he’s a teacher and will always be locked into a salary scale, while I have the freedom to switch jobs and make huge gains (for example, I negotiated my salary up $11k last year. He will never have that option). Also, he’s in one of the highest-paying school districts in the country, in Chicago; if we move elsewhere, he could easily be set back.… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago

“because the fact that I out-earn him doesn’t bother him” – reading this I have to say that it is fairly clear it is bothering YOU.

Andrew
Andrew
9 months 15 days ago

“On a side note, I can NEVER say this sort of thing out loud. I have a partner teaching urban disadvantaged kids, and it would come off as bitchy and greedy for me to be anything less than supportive of that.”

Please don’t use “disadvantaged kids” as an excuse to not communicate your feelings and opinions to your partner.

Sunira
2 years 3 months ago

I’ve earned more than my husband pretty much always. He’s never cared. It’s all “our” money anyway and we tend to splurge on each other regularly. I never feel like he doesn’t “measure up” and I don’t think he feels like he falls short or anything. I certainly don’t think he falls short considering what an awesome guy he is. We’ve been together 15 years but we are young. I hope this attitude extends into our future when we have kids / I may not earn more anymore.

Mark
2 years 3 months ago
I find this really interesting because I recently starting dating a woman who is more inline with my personal values and at the same level of education (slighter higher – she has master’s and I have a bachelor’s), career development, and financial stability as I am. Previously (since I was in college) my other partners all made less and were less financially astute and stable in their careers than I had been. In order to set a precedent and start the communication early about what I believe is, and how I want my relationship to be, equal (at least financially… Read more »
M
M
2 years 3 months ago
Wife and I got married before either of our earnings potentials were established (though we both believed I’d be a much lower earner w/ my lib arts degree), but since then we’ve passed the highest earner baton between the two of us over time. So we’ve never established identities as the high earner of the relationship. At first, wife pulled the vast majority of the weight for about a year (while I worked at a much lower $ level) and then I eventually almost closed the gap (just a couple thousands below her). Then, she quit her thing and started… Read more »
M
M
2 years 3 months ago

To add to my comment above – just thought I’d add that both wife and I had families where the father was the primary earner and the mom raised kids at home.

Rowan
2 years 3 months ago

I’ve been on both sides of the table in my current relationship–right now I make a little bit more than her, but not long ago it was significantly less.

To be perfectly honest, maybe there was a pride issue somewhere in there, but mostly it’s just practical. We needed the money and it wasn’t there, so I had to step up.

We live in London, keep a flatmate, don’t have kids, plan, save, and still struggle for money. I’d be happy if she leapfrogged over my earnings–if nothing else, just to have the boost in income!

Jessica
Jessica
2 years 3 months ago

I do actually earn about 3x as much as my boyfriend. It’s not a big deal at all – he’s actually more psyched about it then I am most of the time. More money is more money, no matter who makes it.

Matt
Matt
2 years 3 months ago

Hi Ramit, I have been on both sides, and the first time I earnt less I was a bit taken aback – mainly because I knew I had been slack in developing myself and there was no way to avoid that truth!

Leaving that first instance aside, I am OK with any earnings ratio but if a guy is struggling with this then the question really should be – how fragile is his sense of masculinity?

Erica
Erica
2 years 3 months ago
When I started dating my now-husband, I made $25k as much as him. Now we’re married and I make $75k more than he does. It bothers him that I am the breadwinner, especially now that we’re looking to start a family and I would love the option of cutting back to PT or being a stay-at-home mom. But there’s not much value in being frustrated by it and not doing anything about it, so he’s building his career and we’ll see where that goes. And regardless of what happens with his job, we both strive to not have our identities… Read more »
Miguel
Miguel
2 years 3 months ago

I was working hard while my wife studying medicine. Now she’s making x3 my income and I feel pretty comfortable, so I can afford study ZTL ;-P

Michelle
Michelle
2 years 3 months ago
When I met my partner, I was making 2x his income in California, but no one batted an eye because I had a degree in a specialized field. Then we relocated to the South for me to grad school, and he got scathing comments from all around because he made less than me. Fast forward three years, I am now unemployed and disabled and the same people, especially his relatives, will talk on and on about how patient he is with me. The gist of it seems to be that I was a fool for being with him before, but… Read more »
Morgan A
Morgan A
2 years 3 months ago
Most of these comparisons involve men who make 10k or 20k less than their wives. The disparity with my last two relationships was 100k. I make 140k. Mostly our worries are different- their worries are what mine were in my twenties- not enough money for groceries, not enough money for the concert tickets they want. They make poor money decisions. I’m wanting to get to the next level at work- they are worried about clearing enough money to come up with $400 for their share of their rent. I can’t have conversations about tax returns or investments with these guys.… Read more »
Morgan A
Morgan A
2 years 3 months ago

I think when you look at the sheer volume of single readership alone and then people with the combined interest in personal improvement and financial stability- I’d bet I’d have a lot more interests in common with those men than my current dating pool here in Nashville (I’m 40, btw). Yes.

apopheny
apopheny
2 years 3 months ago

As a man, I would care, but I don’t think I’d feel majorly emasculated by it unless it were used to attack me — in which case the relationship’s likely not long for this world anyway. If anything, it might motivate me. I don’t mind if I am not the sole breadwinner, but I do want to feel successful and integral.

Heather
Heather
2 years 3 months ago
I’m a single woman and earn a fair salary ($79 000). In my dating and relationships, the only time what I earn has been an issue is when the guy I’m dating consistently wants to go out on expensive dates and I have to explain that it simply isn’t an option for me. Then, most of the guys say they like treating me and that they feel they should because they earn more. I don’t think they should feel that way just because they earn more. I used to fight it and insist on splitting costs because I thought there… Read more »
JenniferG
JenniferG
2 years 3 months ago
My experience has been that the issues between unequal incomes are really NOT at all about unequal incomes, but about not matching to a partner with similar values. I’m a very high income earner and even before I wasn’t, it was clear I was ambitious and had my shit together. I dated lots of different types of men. Some hated it because they had different values (I dumped them), some loved it so that they could mooch on the money/excitement (I dumped them too) and others hated it because they had their own insecurities or control issues (I ran as… Read more »
Jennifer
Jennifer
2 years 3 months ago

@Ramit, I’ve seen it play out similarly in, Asia, Latin America and Australia as well as in Europe. It still causes stress on the family when husbands are forced to quit jobs to follow the wife’s career. I have seen cases where the husbands have happily become house husbands, but more times than not, there is guilt in the female spouse (i.e. me or my peers), when husbands are trailing and having a hard time finding work -even if the move meant doubling income. If the husbands don’t have a sense of contributing, there is stress associated with these moves.

Marie @ My Personal Finance Journey

I really didn’t know before that this is an issue with my hubs. A few years ago, I earned more than my partner. Until one day, my friend told me that my hubs told him that his ego was hurt because of that. I talked to him immediately about that problem and told them that there’s no competition between us.

AnonyMs.
AnonyMs.
2 years 3 months ago
Equality loving hetero men would like to think they don’t care how much their mate makes, that they’d be proud of her if she made more, etc., but I have never found this to bear out in real life. In my experience guys start acting weird if they learn this (they start being kind of rude, aggressive, macho). I have also found that it’s easy to counteract by overdosing them with pretend weakness “Oh, I just don’t know how to use a screwdriver, would you please hang that for me?” “I couldn’t possibly carry that big, heavy box, please would… Read more »
Anonymous
6 months 15 days ago

“Dudes, read a few books – I understand you want to feel needed. You are needed. We don’t need your money, we need your attention, your caring, your listening ear. Throw your idea of manly out the window and give us what we want”

Exactly. The fact that so many men only feel “manly” when their wife/girlfriend is financially weak and codependent is really disheartening. It’s as if women are not worthwhile partners unless they’re vulnerable.

Christine
Christine
2 years 3 months ago
I’m a bit older than most if your readers (43). In 2013 I earned $45K more than my husband of 15 years. When we first got together in our 20’s my career was a mess. Right when we got married I left a low-pay but secure nonprofit job for one in sales. Sadly, I sucked and earned no commissions. Eventually I learned that product development was more my speed. Last year I landed my dream job at a large successful company. Hubby’s pay as a bank branch manager has stagnated a bit since onset of the recession. He enjoys managing… Read more »
Guest
Guest
2 years 3 months ago
Read this comment from a guy friend who is currently making (140-160k) in his late 20s : “If the wife makes a little more (10-30k), good for her and the family but I’d feel like I’m lost in a head-to-head competition; however, if she makes significantly more (>=100k), I wouldn’t care a bit. On the other hand, if she constantly makes 100k less than me, I’d feel a bit uneasy. We might have different goals.” In other words, this guy’s most comfortable range of difference is the wife makes 0k-100k less. I just love how he quantifies ambitions=) Personally, the… Read more »
Avin
Avin
2 years 3 months ago
My wife and I used to have similar incomes, but now she makes significantly more than me (even before I recently quit my job). The important thing for us is that we support each other (I’m home more now, so I take on a bigger load with regards to taking care of our son, handling home logistics, etc.). She also doesn’t think less of me because she only cares that I’m pursuing something I’m passionate about, and that I have ambition to succeed. As long as I’m moving in that direction, she’s fully supportive and proud of me. And I… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
I am going to be completely blunt and non-PC. Based on my own personal experience dating or otherwise being with a man that makes less than you is awful. All this talk of “its the same pool of money blah blah blah” makes me sick. Ok I get the rent is paid, but honestly, how is your sex life really? Is it amazing? If you are a woman do you feel “swept away”? If you are a man do you feel like “the man”? Or is sex more like brushing your teeth? Paying for a man is about one of… Read more »
Edgar
Edgar
2 years 3 months ago
Hello Everyone. This is a very nice topic to talk about. I went thru this situation, Mi Wife was earning more than me, and it did hit me. Psychologically speaking, We as Men are programmed to be the bread winners, the providers and when that was taken away from me it really bothered me, and now that I think about it at the time it was also knowing that I could be earning more but I was in a comfort zone (low pay, nice benefits), don’t get me wrong I did not hate my wife for earning more, I was… Read more »
T.C.
2 years 3 months ago
When my fiancé and I first met, he was making $11/hour doing labour jobs. I was making $0 as a med school hopeful. For a time, We were making even money when I was a waitress and he was a kitchen manager. When I got in to medical school, he enrolled in trade school. He now makes a $17/hour doing entry level electrical, but he is set for pay raises every year until he gets his ticket, and he’s portable so we can go where the biggest bang for our buck will be when I graduate. I’m still making $0,… Read more »
T.C.
T.C.
2 years 3 months ago

Caveat: We don’t actually have kids yet. I’m sure that’ll open up a whole new world of gender role, breadwinner, primary caregiver fun.

Kevin
Kevin
2 years 3 months ago

I wouldn’t care how much the girl makes. Once we’re both financially secure and comfortable, that’s all that matters to me.

Mike
2 years 3 months ago
I’m a male who significantly out-earns my partner and probably will for the foreseeable future. My goal is to make enough money that she can do whatever she wants without feeling the pressure of needing to contribute significantly to the bottom line. That said, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be more than happy. Or at least that’s my initial reaction. I do feel a little uncertainty in my chest when I think about my partner making more than me, but I think I can say honestly I don’t perceive it as a threat to my… Read more »
$andra
$andra
2 years 3 months ago

in all honesty I want to say what you wrote in the first paragraph but replacing “male” with “female”

you know how WEIRD that would be? …but I truly feel that way

JW
JW
2 years 3 months ago
I’m somewhat perplexed by many of the responses here. In many of the comments from guys, it seems to be that a woman who’s making more than her partner is then judged by how frugal (or not) she chooses to be with the money that she’s potentially worked hard to earn (I only say potentially worked hard because I don’t believe in making anything “hard…” Having worked “hard” for much of my life, I now go toward ease in all situations and am better for it.). Many guys here have said if she’s making money and spending it, it’s either:… Read more »
Vitamin D
Vitamin D
2 years 3 months ago

My girlfriend has an MBA, and I just switched careers (starting near the bottom of the totem pole), so it’s not surpsing she earns more. Amazingly, I still manage to save more, have a better credit score, and worry less about money – partial thanks to Ramit. That said, money isn’t a major factor in our relationship.

Nick
Nick
2 years 3 months ago

No one here talked about the influence of their peer groups.

A friend of mine makes more money than her boyfriend. About twice as much.

I listen to her girlfriends all the time:

“OMG, what are you doing with him? You deserve so much better!”

“That guy you work with is so hot.”

And my personal favorite – “I’m so jealous that you found the right guy. My problem is that I’m just such an idealist.”

Who he is doesn’t matter. Her opinion of him doesn’t matter. The quality of their relationship doesn’t matter.

Her friends simply aren’t going to let her date him.

$andra
$andra
2 years 3 months ago

Yap…

Family, friends and their opinions is what sometimes make the situation difficult

MAKES MORE
2 years 3 months ago

If I had a dime for every girl friend & family member who asked what my husband is contributing to my relationship, if not $?

Carlos
Carlos
2 years 3 months ago
I earn a very small amount, while my wife is on a very good income. We pool incomes and always have. I look after her and the house, which she loves and it allows her to concentrate on growing her career. The wage difference worries me more than her, as our ability and earning potential is very similar. She does well in a mainstream work environment whereas I don’t, so have struggled to realise my potential. Recently we’ve both been a lot more accepting of my low wage, job jumping, lack of direction. Any issues with my income have revolved… Read more »
Chris
Chris
2 years 3 months ago
I have a somewhat unique situation (meaning probably not unique at all) in that, as an actor, I came into my marriage expecting that I was going to make less money than my wife. I’ve never really thought I’d be rich (though I also think the whole ‘starving artist’ script is BS) and so having a wife with a ‘real job’ that has health insurance and everything has been a great boon! That being said, I do have the occasional crisis of masculinity about not being a good provider in my own right, but landing an acting gig tends to… Read more »
Eva
Eva
2 years 3 months ago
Technically, my boyfriend earns more than I do. But, he has student loans and a mortgage so he hardly has cash. On the other hand, I don’t have loans and enjoy a tax free job, so I have the cash. We rarely argue about money and while I can sometimes tell that it bothers him, he’s always been supportive and proud of the fact that I bring in the big bucks. Men are taught to be providers and it does bother them (deep down) when their women have more money. But, its not always a bad thing and they don’t… Read more »
Sherry
Sherry
2 years 3 months ago
It has always been an issue for me in relationships (I am 47)and it is a horror fascination thing. Men are excited not to have to support a partner and how can you not want to go on fabulous trips, not have to worry about money, etc., but the men I have been in relationship with often felt inadequate. Sometimes I ended up feeling like I was pulling way more than my share of the weight. I found what worked best was for me to date classic men who were great at guy stuff, like construction, vehicles, guns, etc. That… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
I earned less than my husband (then boyfriend) when I just started out in my career. Eventually my earnings outstripped his by about 10k-15k per year including bonuses. We held separate accounts for a while and 5 years ago started putting money into a joint account from which we pay for bills. While I don’t care about the $ amount he pulls in, I grew resentful of paying for 70% of the household expenses for the first 4-5 years of our marriage. At the same time, I was getting in debt to pay for the household while he had savings… Read more »
Rebecca
Rebecca
2 years 3 months ago

What about contributing to expenses in the same proportion as your income? If you make 60% of the total income, you pay 60% of the household bills. Everybody pays for their own personal stuff. It’s pretty objective that way and it eliminates hurt feelings. Everybody knows what’s expected of them.

Kara
Kara
2 years 3 months ago
I think Rebecca’s idea is a good one though ultimately you need to come up with a solution that is acceptable to both of you. I find it hypocritical that when you were paying 70% of the expenses you were resentful but now that your husband is paying more you’re ok with that – aren’t you the freeloader now? It seems that with women earning significant incomes it’s not just the men who need an attitude adjustment. Women can’t have it both ways – earning equal income AND having the men pay the bills. To sum it up, yeah, earning… Read more »
anonymous
anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
Thanks Rebecca. Yes, contributing according to the proportion of our income works and that’s what we have been doing. This has worked very well for us and we’re happy that we now have buffer funds in case of emergencies. I really wish we had talked about finances before we got married so that all this could have been avoided. Kara, he is not paying more now. I earn just a little less than him (about 5%) and we split the bills and savings plan about halfway between us. I never expected him to pay for most the bills while I… Read more »
Sam B
Sam B
2 years 3 months ago
I keep seeing this percentage of contribution thing, which is great when it works, but I do want to point out that if one person doesn’t contribute their amount, the bill still gets paid. It’s my home, too, so if myhusband wasn’t paying his 20%, and the power got turned off, it doesn’t get turned off to his 20% of the house, it’s my power, my shower, my alarm clock, and my job on the line if the bill doesn’t get paid. So the one with the extra money pays the unpaid portion, and that’s me, because I make more… Read more »
Jon Maroni
2 years 3 months ago

Currently I make more than my wife, but that is because she works part time. We are getting ready to move cross country for her dream job and I’m not at all concerned that she is going to make more money than me. I’ve heard that this is an issue in relationships and unfortunately this points to how far we have to go as a culture. Gender roles and expectations have matured a great deal but we have more good work to do. I’m also really glad that these types of conversations are happening.

$sandra
$sandra
2 years 3 months ago

I am really glad the conversations are happening too…this is not something we bring up out in the open and it is nice to read people’s opinion..specially those that share our current situations

David
David
2 years 3 months ago
I earn and have earned less than my wife since we started dating…7 years ago. It used to cause anxiety in me, since I wanted to be the big breadwinner who could lead us forward into a comfortable future. Now, I recognize she is more driven and focused on making intentional progressive steps to better her career. Every job decision she makes, and additional responsibility she accepts move her toward her Dream Job, while I grope for more decisions and responsibility just to get more in hopes to earn more (it hasn’t worked). When I identified these differences, and began… Read more »
cukamunger
cukamunger
2 years 3 months ago
Isn’t it funny how well a marriage couple can do when they can support the other’s dream without feeling like they have to give up their own? My husband and I are both engineers and have been married for 7 years. He wanted to get an MBA and take the managerial route, while I wanted to get my PE license, maybe a masters and dominate technically. We are now both PEs, he is halfway through the MBA program, and I am leading my local engineering society. We have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. You would think… Read more »
Ola
Ola
2 years 3 months ago
I’ve always made more than my husband. I think he’s OK with it, most of the time. We have two young children and we both work part-time so that one of us is home with them, but I work more days than him. When I was pregnant with our second I worked 5 long days a week while he was at home with our son, because I could earn more. I really resented the situation as I wanted to be more of a ‘mum’ in a traditional way and not have to work so much. I resented my husband a… Read more »
Ola
Ola
2 years 3 months ago

I suppose the issue between us is not the money itself, but our roles. I’d love to be able to stay home more and he’d like to be ‘away’ more. So one way to resolve it would be for him to make more money… or for me to make even more money and working less hours. Hmm, hello automated income? 😉

Anon Ymous
Anon Ymous
2 years 3 months ago

Because of my upbringing, I find it very difficult to respect a man who is less well off financially than I am. He can earn less, but he has to have as much or more in property or assets. It doesn’t make sense rationally, but deep down, that’s how I feel.

Rebecca
Rebecca
2 years 3 months ago

I make more than 2x my husband’s income. We pay household bills in proportion to our income. I think there are two things that make it work: One, I NEVER pay any of my husband’s personal bills, or buy him big stuff, so I don’t undermine him with money. Two, we each have a separate joint account at different banks. I don’t touch “his” and he doesn’t touch “mine”. They are joint accounts for emergencies only. Works for us.

Thierry
Thierry
2 years 3 months ago

Hi Ramit, in my case my partner is making 10x my salary. Not very difficult because postdoc researcher are poor! While doctors in Québec are well paid by the government… In our case, she pick me and how much I was making money was not important for her (because she is financially independent), what was more important was education background (?) and for that I had 6 more years of university “training” than her to get my phd and postdoc to do what I do…research.

Robin
2 years 3 months ago

I read and never forgot this quote: Financial inequity leads to spousal abuse.

Kara
Kara
2 years 3 months ago

“The fact is, particularly for young ambitious females, the chances of finding an “equal” mate in terms of pay and education is statistically challenging.”

So the primary interest of “young ambitious females” is merging bank accounts (or is this just some attention grabbing headline to sell the book)? I would hope there’s more to dating than dollars.

So is the issue with your high-earning female friends that they are too demanding or that the men are wigged out about their incomes?

Kara
Kara
2 years 3 months ago

No faux outrage here. Based on the book’s quote it looks like a double standard in choosing a partner.

Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
When I married my husband at 23, I made 2X his income. Since then we have passed the bread winning baton back and forth. The only time it was an issue is when we lacked the funds to make ends meet. Honestly…. I’m not sure how higher income women find guys. My husband and I met in college, so our decision had little to do with projected earning. He’s brilliant, a great companion, a perfect father, and a very pleasing lover. He’s not the type to make us rich. I don’t care. In fact, I’ve found many of the financially… Read more »
TC
TC
2 years 3 months ago

“A good sex life can fix that.”

Here here!

Older & Single
Older & Single
2 years 3 months ago
Wow – this is a rich topic. I feel compelled to weigh in. Up until about 10 years ago, men I met and dated always earned more than I. However, over the past decade, this is not the case. They typically earn about $20-30k less, and have much less in assets. Has this been an issue? Sometimes … Typically, my BF will share similar life experiences with me. Previously married, one or no children, and a love of travel. But when it comes to money, the similarities end. In general, I think women want financial security. And many of us… Read more »
Julie
Julie
2 years 3 months ago
I make 4x more than my fellow – he’s disabled from an accident that ruined his back and earns a pittance a month in disability. We’ve been together for the last 15 years or so. It really doesn’t bother us – I know if we go out, I’m paying – we don’t fight about money at all. Asked him about your prompt last night, he said it doesn’t bother him I make more, he’s happy and grateful I have a job and although we don’t have enough to go REALLY crazy, we go to dinner and events a few times… Read more »
Sarah M
Sarah M
2 years 3 months ago

My husband says he wants me to earn more. However he still considers it my place to take care of the home. His job earns more so if he had to move for a job we would, but not for mine. I know that if the rolls were reversed this relationship would not survive. I think a lot of men and women under 40 are a lot more free of the old stereo types and balanced in their relationships.

Ruben
Ruben
2 years 3 months ago
My wife doesn’t work (it’s actually a choice that we both ‘cherish’) and I’m really happy to be the one who economically provides to the needs of the family. It gives me purpose. She takes care of the other immaterial (read: spiritual) needs of the family, channeling in it her energy and time. It is, by all means, a job. I suspect that the other way around wouldn’t work for me. Partially because I would feel less fulfilled (call the genes, the society, whatever you want… that’s the way it is) and mainly because a woman who is strongly career… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
My partner does make more than I do. She even makes more than I do while staying home one day a week to be with our daughter. I don’t mind…much. I think it’s good that women can earn more and I’m very proud of my partner for doing so. She’s very good at her job and has a doctorate. It also means we live in a nice house close to work and can afford a nanny (just!) It does change the power dynamic a little. She doesn’t think it does but I certainly do. I’m not the boss of the… Read more »
anon
anon
2 years 3 months ago
I am the “breadwinner” and my husband is the stay at home parent to 4 kids under 5. I bring in the salary (almost 6 figures) and benefits. However, he has a side business that pays our mortgage and utilities so he is certainly pulling his weight financially. Plus he entered the marriage with significant assets (out of our combined net worth, his contributions are about 80% to my 20% although my retirement accounts are growing at a much higher rate than his at this time, he just funds his Roth while I have a Roth and 401k). The fact… Read more »
Keith Williams
2 years 3 months ago

I don’t care who makes more as long as both parties are ambitious and passionate about what they’re doing. Current income is not necessarily an indicator of future income, particularly when you’re beginning to build momentum.

SDA
SDA
2 years 3 months ago
Currently, my fiance makes more than me since I am not working (I am an American living in Europe and my current visa situation doesn’t allow work), but I am more educated than he is, and I will be pursuing even more education and then entering quite a well-paying industry. So my projected salary would be quite good when I start working. I hope this plays out ok. He seems quite happy about my salary prospects, but sometimes I feel like he is intimidated about the education. Especially, when I start talking about something in my field. But I didn’t… Read more »
Girl
Girl
2 years 3 months ago

I make more then my boyfriend, who is a student and does freelance work. It definitely is uncomfortable for him when I pick up the check for meals, buy groceries, concert tickets, etc. – to the point where he’d prefer not going out to a show or nice meal if he can’t pay. It actually took a long time before he admitted that was the reason behind not wanting to do these things, and no matter how much I offer or tell him that I don’t mind paying, he still feels bad about and wont let me.

Luckyguy
Luckyguy
2 years 3 months ago
I’ve read through some interesting comments and especially ones around women differentiating between a man’s motivation/ambition vs. income. I’ve always been attracted to successful women and it never bothered me if they earned more or were more successful than I am. I’ve dated a few that easily earned 2x or 3x more than I did. What was interesting to me was that it didn’t matter how much I spent on dates. What mattered was what we actually did. I’m no dating guru but I’ve found out that women appreciated thoughtful dates rather than expensive ones. And yes a woman will… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
My husband and I used to work for the same company, that was how we met. We were married very quickly, a little over 6 months of meeting each other, due to certain circumstances. A few months before we were married, my husband quit his job and was unemployed for about 7 months before he found employment. Before he quit, my income was a little higher than his, then after he quit, I was the only one bringing in any income. We didn’t immediately combined our finances once we started dating and when we did, we both have savings to… Read more »
Ryan
Ryan
2 years 3 months ago
As a male who makes about $90K a year, I personally don’t think that I would have a problem being w/a woman who makes more than I do, however to be fair I have yet to be in that position. I don’t know if it’s because I just haven’t had the opportunity to date a woman who makes that much, or if subconsciously I have been steering clear of them. On a logical level, I would like to believe that I (and any man, really) wouldn’t have an issue dating/marrying a woman who makes more than we do, though at… Read more »
S
S
2 years 3 months ago

Hey Ramit, I love your questions!
I am in my 60s, been married for nearly 30 years, and have always made more than my husband. We put the money into one pot, I pay the bills.
He is working class; I am not.
I was unemployed for a couple of years and that’s when I realized how valuable his steady contribution to the household is!
It all is a part of the dance. i have had to learn to not take myself too seriously just because I get paid more!

Frustrated Woman
Frustrated Woman
2 years 3 months ago
Well I am a 30 year old woman and I earn 3-5x as much as my partner (it varies week to week – I wish I could say I earn this money as some sort of intellectual professional but I don’t get paid for what my intellect does [which is music] so I have to be a stripper because $10/hr telemarketing jobs don’t cut it). I believe that he could find a job that would pay more than $300 a week if he was open to the possibility, but he can’t even wrap his head around the concept that it… Read more »
Konish
Konish
2 years 3 months ago

This is a great comment.

Aana
Aana
9 months 5 days ago

Bang!!!! The best comment I read here. ):)

Jelled
Jelled
2 years 3 months ago
I make approaching twice what my fiance makes and I can honestly say it causes very little, if any, friction between us. Contextual factors: 1) When we met I was applying to grad school and working as a lifeguard/tutor while living with my parents, and he had an entry-level job he got straight out of college, so the start of our relationship wasn’t particularly influenced by finances; we were both comfortable enough but sorta broke like most 22 year olds. 2) I was able to earn a great salary right out of grad school, but not without first taking on… Read more »
Homer
2 years 3 months ago
I’m a man. I kind of dropped out of the whole making-money thing as soon as could (i.e. when I got out of student debt), and as a web contractor now I’m picky about my clients: I only take on non-profits or small businesses I feel good about. I make a decent hourly rate, but I work far below full-time hours. I just like having more off time for cooking, art, volunteering; living in a relatively cheap city; and yes, not having so much money. It’s how I’ve chosen organize my life, and I feel like it was a great… Read more »
anon bloke (UK, early 30s)
2 years 3 months ago
Most important to the relationship is how you both carry it. I feel that the bigger the gap, the more of a problem it could become. Primarily though, it’s a signifier of status, and there are other signifiers (letters after name, Family name, beauty, titles, job title, company working for, et cetera) Not been in the situation of a woman earning more than me, or in an account-sharing relationship yet, but I can’t say any change in earnings doesn’t affect perceptions – both how I view her or me. Yes, I feel guilty about that. Why? That status matters to… Read more »
Anonymous
Anonymous
2 years 3 months ago
I suppose right now technically my wife does make more than I do since I’m trying to start a business and have essentially no income while she has a job. However, we have never merged bank accounts and I honestly can’t foresee ever having a joint account because she is so wildly irresponsible with money. She can’t seem to differentiate between what she feels she needs and what she can actually pay for. Fighting over how to spend money and what she feels she is “owed” just because I am a man and my job is to earn and she… Read more »
jay
jay
2 years 3 months ago
For our first 12 years together, I made literally twice what my husband did. However, all his schooling was paid off, my grad school still isn’t, and he saves FAR more than I do out of every paycheck. He also has side contracting jobs. I have one job. (Yeah, Earn 1K calls) We have most of our benefits through my job, and I am the one who pays more attention to our overall financial situation, and retirement planning. Due to industry changes my hours were cut in half, Due to health issues attendant upon some of this, I have not… Read more »
Waqar Jamil
Waqar Jamil
2 years 3 months ago

I am a 34 year old male. I am single so this topic really does not matter to me. I hope you are right Ramit, but frankly, I don’t care, and it does not matter to me.

Thanks,

Waqar

Eric
Eric
2 years 3 months ago

If I learned that a woman I was really interested in made more than me it would be a turn on, but it would make me want to earn more than her. I know it’s not right, and I know it’s fueled by pride that I’ve inherited from our culture, but I’m just being honest about how I would react.

What’s even more interesting is that I would absolutely see it as an attractive quality while still reacting negatively to it.

Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
As long as I feel good about what I am doing and have something I can point to as my own, then having a partner who makes more than me or is garnering more success becomes a source of pride and inspiration in a “Yes, I found a really special girl here. Go for it!” kind of way. It’s when I’m not satisfied with how my own efforts have turned out and am left with that hampster-wheel feeling, while simultaneously seeing my peers surging ahead, that the tinge of jealousy starts to creep in. (It’s also when I know it’s… Read more »
Anon
Anon
2 years 3 months ago
Wow, this thread touched a nerve in quite a few people. Me included. As a formerly middle-income, now high-earning woman who wasn’t fortunate enough to find her partner in college or grad school – money plays a role in whether a relationship ‘gets off the ground’ almost every time. But salary and assets are often just a visible symptom of underlying attributes and behaviors. Most high-ambition, successful women realize they want a partner but many guys are more like an “adult child” What’s the formula for the right partner? Ambition + Drive + Persistence [Work Ethic, Discipline]+ Get Stuff Done… Read more »
Eb
Eb
2 years 3 months ago
Ramit, How messed up is this? I used to make a little over twice what my significant other made. I began feeling she didn’t really love me but only my earning potential (I may have been right). I tried a new venture controlling my own income instead of working for someone else, my income dropped, she left and I got depressed. In my brilliance I decided to make an average wage to “make sure” the next love wanted me and not my money. Now I’m average and bitter. So if I did meet someone who made more than me I… Read more »
Mel
Mel
2 years 3 months ago
I make not quite twice as much as my boyfriend of 3 years, and I think it doesn’t bother him for a couple of reasons: he’s just an unusually secure person (not that that’s remotely useful in terms of advice 🙂 ) and he doesn’t have any worries about me not needing him because he makes my life so much better. He’s just freakishly, relentlessly nice to me all the time. I could probably find someone with a higher salary and more ambition, but what are the odds that guy would ask me what I want for dinner and then… Read more »
Lauren
Lauren
2 years 3 months ago
My husband and I are both in the military, and I outrank him, although because of time in service and differences in housing allowance, we make almost the same amount of money. Seriously, it’s like a $30 difference. For us the money/rank isn’t an issue, but I think it really depends on the kind of person your spouse is. He just isn’t that kind of ego-driven guy. He grew up a laid-back, liberal Alaskan. I’m from Texas, and frankly, it was really refreshing to be with a guy that wasn’t caught up in insecurities over traditional gender roles. Money-wise, we… Read more »
Nadine Gamos
Nadine Gamos
2 years 3 months ago
I earn 1.5x than my husband. When our nanny left us, we decided that I should continue with my job and he will stay home and take care of our kid. He didn’t mind it because he is very open minded about what is best for the family. Even while we are dating, I earn more than him so money is not a big issue in our relationship. And guys should not feel threatened by a lady earning more than him. Most guys I know who marry a rich woman or married a woman who makes more than him works… Read more »
Richie
2 years 3 months ago
There is a lot of shallow thinking on the thread. Look down on those that don’t make as much or more then you? That says as much about a persons character then anything else. Not everyone values the almighty buck and places it above all else. My SO and myself make enough to do well, however we don’t have fancy cars, have a small house and are focusing this year on paying off back debt. She makes more then I do, but she has no retirement and I have over $500k in my retirement fund. Does this mean Im better… Read more »
Moinsbd
2 years 3 months ago

Its better.

Bingo
Bingo
2 years 3 months ago
Suresh @ Best Investments
2 years 3 months ago

My wife and me are also in same position. Sometimes she gets good money thru blogging and other resources which exceeds my salary and blogging income. But I feel there is no issue regarding that.

Denise
Denise
2 years 3 months ago
Wow, what a great conversation! I’m late in responding, only because I printed all the responses and went through them – yes, seriously. The reason why is that I’m a coach and my niche is … ta dah…. female breadwinners! You guys have generated some awesome research for me, and it seems the issues are much the same the world over (I’m currently in Australia). The challenges are wide-ranging but there are some common themes. The biggest thing I find is that its kept pretty much under wraps and for that reason FBs are not getting a whole lot of… Read more »
BENU girl
2 years 3 months ago

I am loving the comments as much as the article! The standards around men being breadwinners are based on a LOT of things — science, history (cavemen!) and society. It’s both their nature and how we were nurtured.
I believe that for a relationship to work, its a healthy balance of ambition, success and respect for both the man and the woman. Success being subjective of course.

Ramit, hope you don’t mind sharing some link love 🙂 http://www.benu-group.com

BENU girl again
2 years 3 months ago

Any yes the situation is the same the world over, I was born and raised in Southeast Asia and have female friends all over the planet who experience the same situation.

Pam
Pam
2 years 3 months ago
I only read about half the comments, but wanted to chime in. Years ago, my cousin married a blue collar guy. Our family is Asian, and her mom recently confessed to me, had she (mom) known that husband was not college educated, she would not have approved. I think there have been struggles in the marriage because there are times for example, when it’s obvious his values towards education is not as obsessive as typical Asian education values. On paper– he doesn’t seem like a “good prospect” _at all_. But it turns out… in all the ways that matter, he’s… Read more »
Allyse
2 years 3 months ago
I am 27 and currently live with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I make about 2x him but our situation is a little out of the norm. We met while we were both Environmental Scientists at an Environmental Consulting company. We worked together on the same level for about a year. About a 3 months after we started dating our company did a huge round of layoff (11 out of 14 of us) and both of us made it through. I was promoted to Manager at this time and shortly thereafter made the Head Manager. So within… Read more »
George
2 years 3 months ago

I think it’s pretty cool when women earn more. I don’t buy that all guys have have insecurities about earning less. I think that is a very old way of thinking current issues.

Michael
Michael
2 years 3 months ago
I agree with George above but have some additional thoughts to share based upon my personal experiences. I was divorced and single for many years and live in a highly educated major Northeastern City. I found that while in the dating scene, there existed a very unique double standard about income inequality that would would often get under my skin. On several occasions I was told by highly successful women that I was the nicest guy they have met out in the dating world but was not long term material for them because my income was below that of theirs.… Read more »
Chris
Chris
2 years 3 months ago
My wife makes about 40% more than I do. (Before this I supported her while she was climbing the ladder; paid off student loans etc…) I may close that gap in the near future, but given her career path, she’ll (most likely) make more than me for the rest of our years. And…I don’t mind. I can honestly say this because (over our 10 years together) I feel there has been a lot of give and take, a lot of sharing of responsibilities and I feel we are both doing our share in this relationship. So regardless of how much… Read more »
Scott
Scott
1 year 11 months ago

My wife who I just married makes 2-3X what I do. I thought we were first dating it may be an issue. It was not for either of us, and we happily pool our income and pay all our bills together.

Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago

Nice work, Scott. We need more alpha men doing the same thing. Date/marry up Only!

Truth
Truth
1 year 10 months ago

Many of the women make way more than men do these days, and they’re very Independent too. But the sad thing is that many women now Can’t Accept us men for who we are.

Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago

Cheer for these women. Make it a religion to exclusively date/marry wealthier and more powerful women only. Never ever date someone who makes less. You men will be much much happier and you will do more to protect yourself from future negative experiences in family court than you could ever do otherwise.

Equality is when this next statement goes mainstream –

‘all the gold digging men’

Good Luck.

Denise
Denise
1 year 10 months ago
I am on the fence. I make more than my boyfriend does and It just seems that I am more driving and motivated as opposed to him being “comfortable”. We don’t pool money. We share expenses but not from the same checking account EVER. Do I resent that he makes less than I do? Yes. As my partner I do expect equality to a degree. That degree being financially successful and can “take care of things” should for any reason be taken care of without me. I do feel that men get comfortable very easy and for a woman like… Read more »
simon
simon
1 year 5 months ago

You have very good points, have you heard of the seven year itch? Maybe this guy is’nt the one and if it becomes a constant battle for who is paying for what and how much, maybe it’s time to sit down and work out if it’s love, and if so, is love is worth the battle for financial freedom. Good luck and smart choices.

Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago

Listen to the above post carefully, men. This woman is complaining about exactly what we should be doing, as men.

Embrace woman making more and more money. Learn to find thst attractive. Date/Marry people that Only Only Only make more than you do. Don’t Ever date someone who makes less. Not only will you probably live longer because it’s the woman slaving away and not you. You get to have a ton more fun and your risk in future family court? Minimal!!

MG
MG
1 year 8 months ago
The thing that annoys me is that Women always seem to be judged, evaluated, discussed and studied based upon their relation to a man or having a family and the fact of the matter is that some women, just as some men, just want to make a lot of money and enjoy their successes, regardless of a relationship or parenthood/motherhood being a part of the picture. I could care less about what a man thinks about my salary (sorry not sorry). People are people. And as adults, everyone has their own goals and aspirations. Some people may be happy making… Read more »
Odżywka do rzęs Realash
1 year 7 months ago

Awesome post.

lulu
lulu
1 year 5 months ago
I make more than my partner, we are not married – nor do we live together. I also have 150k in student loans. We had an incident the other night where we went out to eat with a group, i had already eaten and was taking the month off drinking but said i would join anyway, his dinner (along with a $15 shot of whiskey) was $50. Bill came and he asked me “can you treat me?”. I was shocked that he would ask me to pay for his dinner when 1. i didn’t order anything and 2. after ordering… Read more »
simon
simon
1 year 5 months ago

You are totally right. Based on the fact that you are not living together, so probably not running a “joint”account, there should be no expectation that you buy his dinner. With $150K debt, personally, I would be on a pretty tight budget, no matter what my income was.

troy
troy
1 year 1 month ago

don’t jump to conclusions, how many times has he asked you to pay? once a week, once a month, or etc.
or did he leave his wallet? left his card somewhere? or was not able to get cash from the bank today.
you gotta treat even friends once in a while right?
but that is already a bad sign, he is already probably thinking your selfish. he is thinking 50$ once in a while isn’t that bad.

simon
simon
1 year 5 months ago

^and I can see we you are coming from.

Cashito
Cashito
1 year 2 months ago
Eventhough, we believe that whatever is “good for the goose”, should be “good for the gander”. Genetic make up of men and women never the same. Women usually marry certain men based on their wealth or status. Every women wants a man who can take care of her, but not the way around. The spending pattern is the main issue here. Men will do anything to make the wife and kids happy when it comes to money. Money and Power make women unstable. As women become powerful and rich, just imagine world statistics for broken marriages. Women respect men because… Read more »
Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago

Men need to learn to find woman who are wealthy and powerful more attractive. It is an alpha move for men to Only date these woman. No exceptions. If they don’t make more money than you, go for someone who does. This is the way we can achieve some equality in the world. I embrace women making more money. It’s wonderful! They work, you play.. and men’s future troubles in family court? Minimized! Wake up Men!

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I personally love, cause I came across what exactly I used to be writing about regarding. You’ve concluded my personal Several evening extended quest! Our god Appreciate it man. Possess a good day. Ok bye

east
east
1 year 1 month ago

this question sums it up for most women: “which one is taller?”
primordial desire for most women “Will ONLY date men of the same height or TALLER!”

This is also embodied financially most women will only marry Men of Equal earning capacity or Higher.

Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago
Turn the tables! Before I got married ( to a woman who makes twice as much as me btw), I exclusively dated financially up. If a woman made less than me, she was out. I wasn’t attracted to that. I’m attracted to wealth and power. Change your mindset on what it means to alpha men. Alpha is dating only people making more than you. Men should strive to make a decent living where they don’t Need a woman and can take care of themselves. From that point, again, date up only! Not only is this an ideal situation for men,… Read more »
ben
11 months 28 days ago
For a long time my father made the money in my house but then the industry he was in crashed dramatically and my mother became the primary money-earner. For 20 years my dad paid the bills and purchased the houses for the family and now that he isn’t making as much as she is, things have gotten very tense. Whenever I hear them fighting she ALWAYS brings up how she’s paying the bills and how it’s “her” house and how we should all obey her command. I don’t think women are ready to be the majority earner and hold that… Read more »
K.S.Aparna
11 months 7 days ago
It depends on various factors. I thought my husband had no issues that I was earning more, until it came to the point where I had to quit my job to take care of our family. After that his behaviour towards me changed. He started telling me to use my money and not his. He would not transfer money into my account for household expenses and would tel me to withdraw if I needed more. Slowly I realised that he was jealous internally. He never showed it out. There was a point when one day, he told me that I… Read more »
Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago
Au contraire! I just don’t understand it. If men would simply get rid of their egos and wake up, they could see that it’s safe to embrace the ‘new normal’ and even use it to their advantage. Men can be masculine Alphas.. And date/marry woman that Only make more $ then they do. If women dont, then men can GTOW. It would change the dynamics in family courts if men in mass did this. Embrace women making more money, men. Make it a principle of yours to date up and up only. Never be with a woman who makes less… Read more »
D
D
10 months 20 days ago
At the risk of sounding selfish, anti-feminist, and whatever judgment may be passed based on my comment: I make more money than my fiancé and it is currently affecting our relationship in a negative manner. Why? Because I feel like despite how many hours he works and how much time he spends at work, it is not worth the money he makes. I feel like I pay him to be at work. Meanwhile, I am making and saving money for our future, while he rivets in his “passion” and enjoys the fruit of my labor. Yeah, teamwork, all money in… Read more »
Dave
Dave
10 months 3 days ago
Interesting topic. As a comfortably masculine man, I am attracted to women of power and wealth. I make 75k /year and have been dating women making 1-200k/yr. Finally fell in love and am now married. I still make 75k a year. My wife makes 160k. My ego is not hurt but stroked, by being with a powerful/wealthier woman. And now I can pursue ambitions I couldn’t before. I get to run ultra marathons all over the world with my lovely wife’s support and she gets to do what she prefers to do… work. And I fully support her in that.… Read more »
Andrew
Andrew
9 months 15 days ago
Wow, so many comments. Everyone has an opinion on the internet. Whilst everyone is entitled to their opinion, I am not impressed by the ladies using the term “intimidated.” IMO men are investors, we want our precious time and money to go towards risks that may pay a dividend one day. When we date women who are above us in status, or whom perceive/think they are, then we see this as a high risk and high cost investment. This is an interest issue and not an “intimidation” issue. Men lose interest in women whom they can “win” over. If I… Read more »
Anonymous
6 months 15 days ago
Some of the comments here are disappointing. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the people mentioning social norms, feeling emasculated, thinking one’s partner is ‘less of a man’ because he makes less money, etc. We can acknowledge that norms exist, but that doesn’t mean we need to live our lives by them. Defying them may not always be possible due to the potential backlash, but social norms surrounding salary are as low stakes as they come. I understand the comments mentioning how salary differences can become a problem when they affect a couple’s lifestyle (i.e. one person loving… Read more »
Thomas Udo
Thomas Udo
5 months 21 days ago
My wife and I have been married for thirty-five years. Early on, I had a series of manual labor and office clerk jobs that didn’t pay much, and she was a waitress who made a lot of tips that put her contribution to our income higher than mine, although I worked twice as many hours. We both finished college and earned nearly the same amount for many years, then my profession and career went to hell and my income dropped drastically, to the point where she was making anywhere from twice as much to four times as much as I… Read more »
Doug
Doug
5 months 17 days ago

My fiance just started earning more then me. I am finding it a little more stressful to try and keep up with her.

LetTheRealHonestTruthBeTold
LetTheRealHonestTruthBeTold
3 months 10 days ago
Well most women that now have a Career today that are making a very high Salary are very High Maintenance, Independent, Selfish, Spoiled, Greedy, Picky, Very Money Hungry as well which is the real reason why many of us Good Men out there are still Single today which they’re very much to Blame for that. Many women today really do want the Best and will Never settle for Less since it is all about Money for them Unfortunately which their Greed And Selfishness has really Changed these women for the Worst over the years compared to the Good old fashioned… Read more »
TheVeryTruthOfAll
TheVeryTruthOfAll
3 months 6 days ago

A lot of career women today that make a very high salary over their men have caused more Divorces Unfortunately.

Steven
Steven
1 month 21 days ago
My fiancé makes more than I do. I’m constantly belittled by her because of the fact. I work part time and watch the kids it only makes sense because she makes more than 2x what I make. As far as my pride goes it doesn’t bother me, as long as the family is taken care of However what does bother me is her belief that I’m ” Not really the man of the house”. She constantly says things like ” I make more money you have to listen to me” while sometimes said playfully I still sense the venom underneath.… Read more »
bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Men don’t date women that make more because they know the vag is wet for a dude with more than her.

Also, if these women are “earning more,” they should also be more intelligent, healthier, and more productive then their suitors to actually deserve their status.

Novoseven
1 month 7 days ago
I have been with my husband for 15 years. In the early years of marriage, he made more, but I had better benefits, and quite honestly, higher earning potential in my field. His field is stable, but mine is risky with high potential. Now 15 years later, I earn $100K more than he does. I give him half of all my bonuses, etc and we have discretionary spending – dont really care what he spends on and he never asks me. We have separate 401K plans due to work and we know each others balances (mine is $500K more). We… Read more »
BradyWild
BradyWild
22 days 17 hours ago

I made half a million a year as a 29 year old and I find men who has a high income incredibly unattractive because most has an overrated ego who thinks they have life figured out…incredibly boring and uninspiring….I much prefer a real man who is authentic and not afraid to be vulnerable

City dweller
City dweller
18 days 3 hours ago
I am a 40-yr old male living in nyc with my gf. We both earn over 6 figures, but my salary is about 5x higher than hers. I can honestly tell you that in most cases, attraction and companionship are what lead men to date and stay with women. Intelligence is also important. I think the key point for a guy is when a woman thinks similarly regarding finances. If both partners think the same way when it comes to finances, the salary differences don’t matter much. Issues can arise when partners do not think the same way and they… Read more »
Eddy
Eddy
16 days 16 hours ago
Both my long term girlfriends earned more than I did (about 15-40% more). I dated them for 5 years and two years respectively. I never had a problem with it and they said neither did they. However, I believe they both mentioned it at least once, begrudgingly, in passing. This could be interpreted either way… Some background, I started my career slightly later, I’m a 29 year old university lecturer with a masters and PhD. I didn’t feel the need to ‘prove’ myself as a man and never really had much of an ego that needed managing. Now I’m dating… Read more »
Jolie
Jolie
8 days 14 hours ago
I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been living together for 3 years. He makes $17/hr (34k) and I make 55,550k… not to mention he’s been slowly paying me back over 1k this year (still $500 in the hole) and apparently has almost $300 saved up.. I have 30k saved and a little over 1k between a 401K + IRA… so it’s getting stressful. And I know I’m going to sound terrible in a second and it’s so lame to say this outloud but we’re part of a rock n roll subculture and speaking generally, at our age not… Read more »
Anon
Anon
6 days 11 hours ago
I’m a software developer, just finishing my last year of college. I’m just at an internship, but I’m the primary breadwinner in my relationship. At first, when my boyfriend and I discussed our future together, we spoke about how interesting it would be to turn the social norm on its head. Unfortunately, financials have started to cause some strain– not because I make more, but because we both crave the ability to support ourselves, independently. We want to WANT each other, not NEED each other for survival. Unfortunately, my financial responsibility in the relationship has been a point of concern… Read more »
Anon
Anon
1 month 9 days ago

This is exactly what happened in my marriage. He claimed it didn’t bother him that I made 3x more, but over the years his support for my career and his interest in his own career path gradually declined to zilch. He had very little professional ambition, which eventually killed off my respect for him. After 10 years there was nothing left of what we had been.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Is her job more difficult than yours? Is she better than you?

Why should she get paid more if not?

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Sounds like she should be buying you dinner and taking you on fancy vacations to earn your romance instead of the other way around.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

You pay should be defined by your status and not the other way around.

Which one of you is more intelligent, creative, and productive? That is the person that should have control over more wealth.

If you want to share equally, you need to be equal to each other…otherwise, its just a ploy for the inferior one to access the wealth of the superior one.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Tell her you want to be treated like a lady properly. She buys you dinner before sex

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Right…because your actually different in ways other than your social status.

Do rich people really like classical music more or do they listen to classical music more because thats what rich people do?

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Its not “intimidation”

Its because its pointless to be in a sexless relationship and her vag is wet for dudes with more than her in most cases.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

I don’t care…I do care how frequently I get laid and how much is required to get laid.

The richer she compared to me, the less sex I am likely to get and the harder I will likely have to “work” for it.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Evidence shows that property ownership is the #1 predictor of which men have children in the next generation

She is more interested in what he has than what he is. Other animals are like this as well. The males territory is important to female choice.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Very little sex for him unless he has game

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

So if he has a higher income, its totally cool for him to pay her way…but if she does, its not cool for her to pay your way.

Thats fair

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

I will bet that my social status and income level is far far more significant to you than the conversation we have.

Maybe your failed mates were afraid you would dump them for a richer man as soon as you found one as women generally do.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

The guys do not feel emasculated.

They simply watch what women do. If she makes more than he does, his observation is that he is more like a toy doll to keep her company till a “real man” comes around.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

So your saying that super ugly people will get hooked up just as well as the super hot.

Thats logical

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Women as sure about lots of things…till they change their minds about how they “feel”

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

If your IQ is higher, you should be paid more and valued more granted due diligence.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

If you make a $120k a year, why is your grammar soooooo bad?

I’m literally broke. I shouldn’t be required to have good grammar.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Is education why most of us aren’t billionaires?

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Actually, I bet its not difficult to find someone who out ranks you….finding someone with more money than you, well that might be challenging.

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

That person confuses rank with wealth.

Many people think wealth is the consequence of status when its not. Its why donald trump thinks he is good looking and intelligent

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

No wonder divorce is so high if the considerations you’ve outlined are common

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

I could influence both of the men in your examples. They are much likely to influence me.

Who has the real power. I bet most people would say them. LOL

bongstar420
bongstar420
1 month 9 days ago

Darn these uneditable commenting forums.

Never mind

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