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How to find love using psychology

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How To Find Love Using Psychology: this isn’t about manipulating or tricking anyone. It’s about using ethical principles to be the very best you can be, and share that message with the right people.
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If there is one thing I have learned in my decades on this earth, it is this: Beware of a woman trying to set you up with her friend.

“She’s really nice and she has a great job and–” ZzzZzzz

THAT IS NOT WHAT GUYS CARE ABOUT!

Would I set up a female friend by saying, “You should meet him! He really loves Star Trek, and in particular he strongly supports the view of the Prime Directive when applied to–” (suddenly I notice she has suffocated herself with a plastic bag).

Today, we’re going to talk about using IWT principles to find LOVE. That’s right, people. You came to the man with no heart to discover how to make yours even bigger.

romancesmaller A friend sent this picture to me from an unnamed city. Love is already happening:
People are now matching on Tinder because their shared interest is “Ramit Sethi’s IWT.”
My life is officially complete. I give my blessing for my socially awkward readers to
flood the internet and find each other. You’re welcome. More on
instagram.com/ramit.

We’ve talked a lot about how systems and psychology can improve finances, your career, even your inner psychology.

But love? That’s all from the heart!! Puppies and cuddles, Ramit!! How DARE you suggest being strategic about love? That’s so…UNROMANTIC!!

You’re delusional. Love marriages are a relatively recent phenomenon — something most people in America don’t realize.

I recently found two unusual and outstanding articles on strategically finding love, and I wanted to share them with you:

  • How to hack OKCupid: A PhD student used data to hack OKCupid and found the woman of his dreams. He created 12 fake OkCupid accounts and harvested 6 million questions and answers from 20,000 women all over the country.
  • Hacking the hyperlinked heart: A journalist reverse engineered her dating profile by creating male profiles and analyzing how popular females interacted. Her “super-profile” ended up landing her a ton of responses — including her now husband.

Now, I want to open it up to you.

How would you use IWT principles to find a great relationship partner? (Or, if you’re already in a relationship, how can you use them to have an even better relationship?)

Think creatively about testing, psychology, disqualification, language…all the things we cover in exhaustive detail on IWT.

By the way, this isn’t about manipulating or tricking anyone. It’s about using the ethical principles we’ve learned to be the very best you can be, and share that message with the right people.

Let’s see what everyone says in the comments below.

P.S. I’m hiring a talented, detail-oriented copywriter to help with very specific public-facing and internal copy. This is a highly challenging role and we’re looking for one very special person. Here are the details: http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/careers/#Copywriter

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Thomas Frank
2 years 4 months ago

Not sure if this is specifically an IWT principal, but hey.

I’ve been working to use what I’ve learned about rationality to improve my relationship (which was definitely NOT found in a strategic manner), and it’s paid off in spades.

Through trying to be deliberate about understanding human psychology – why people act the way they do, what factors play into how they react to negative events – I’ve been able to avoid almost all potential arguments and fights.

Essentially, being analytical has taught me to be empathetic, even if empathy isn’t a natural quality.

Tek
Tek
2 years 4 months ago
My husband and I met on OKCupid. He has Aspergers, so dating rules and dances have never made sense to him. How did he get my attention? He saw that I liked Stargate and Star Trek (take that Ramit, not all girls are bored by Sci Fi) and he commented on it. No one else made that move before. It showed that he looked at my profile, not just my picture. We got talking and we discussed interests and philosophies. On the second date, he gave me his user manual. Yup, a literal user manual. This had descriptions on how… Read more »
James
2 years 4 months ago

I think your story is cool!

There are some boys I teach at my school who are Asperger’s – the user manual thing makes a lot of sense. It makes me wonder if that’s something they could use as they get older?

And yeah – communication and compatibility.

Tek
Tek
2 years 4 months ago

James- they could totally use it as they get older. I would recommend them going through and updating it constantly. My husband is working on creating a template that people could use as a starting point to creating their user manual.

Anna Marie
Anna Marie
2 years 4 months ago

Love it.

lin
lin
2 years 4 months ago

wow.. this is amazing. And the fact that your husband has his own user manual makes everything extra awesome. It makes relationships easier when why they do certain things are laid out in writing as u know how to set the right kind of expectations and u know what to do or not to do to piss them off 🙂

congratulations!

Pat
Pat
2 years 4 months ago

Hey – We *all* could have our own user manual – wouldn’t that be great!

Rebecca
Rebecca
2 years 4 months ago

This reply is to James.
Dear James, the boys who have the privilege of being your students are not Aspergers. They are human beings who have Aspergers. Please, please take the time to learn the difference.

James
2 years 4 months ago

This reply is to Rebecca.

Thank-you for what you wrote.

Point taken. They *are* boys who *have* Asperger’s.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Richard
Richard
2 years 4 months ago

1) Go on a date
2) Call her the next day and ask if she’ll refund the $50 I spent on her, using the script from the book
3) She is now madly in love with me because of my negotiating skills

trackback

[…] Excerpt from: How to find love using psychology […]

Justaperson
Justaperson
2 years 4 months ago
For online dating: 1) In your “Looking For” section, be specific, come up with dealbreakers, and cut through the unwashed masses. This requires 80% of the work to be done upfront. List your ideal match – height, body type, hobbies, pets, smoking preference, religion/ atheism, languages, etc. No guarantees this will work, but it is better than not defining what you want. (Distance is a big one, since unless you don’t mind commuting and are already in the commuting habit, dating someone in another city – even an hour away – is not always realistic.) 2) Consider positioning by worldview… Read more »
Cara
Cara
2 years 4 months ago

That’s interesting…..I like your line of thinking. Mind if I borrow it? 😉

Willi
Willi
2 years 4 months ago
Now that I think about it, there are a lot of similarities. First and foremost there’s the thing about hard work – nobody’s born perfect at dating, some people just have more practice. Spend the time and you can become good at it, too. Finding a partner can probably be compared to finding a company you want to work at. It’s a little harder to investigate potential candidates and networking with people who know them sounds a little weird, but the general idea is the same. Once you have a candidate, spend a little more time than the average applicant… Read more »
James
2 years 4 months ago

That’s true about dates being like an interview!

I used to make sure I had questions – but also that I listened and responded.

Ashley
Ashley
2 years 4 months ago
My friend made a comment several weeks ago about how obviously I would have dated my now husband regardless of his job, that we would have fallen in love even if he didn’t have a good income. She was shocked when I said that if he hadn’t had a decent job I probably wouldn’t have even gone on a date with him. Luckily my husband understood and wasn’t offended. Red flags like having a crappy job without trying to change or not owning a car were instant disqualifies for me. Not because I’m greedy, but because those things are indicators… Read more »
James
2 years 4 months ago
This is an interesting post – a different area! For me, I was actually quite strategic when I was looking for my now wife. Here’s what I did. 1) clear out rubbish from the past I saw how much the scripts from my teenage experiences were informing my approach at that time. Once I saw that, I got in touch with my first love, and let it all go. There was no room for be to be an adult! 2) create something I wanted I actually sat down and brainstormed who they’d be ‘being’ what they’d ‘do’ and what they’d… Read more »
Ines
Ines
2 years 4 months ago

You forgot to mention your Indian parents who must expect you to strategically marry…some references to horoscopes would have been fun, too.

Kim
Kim
2 years 4 months ago
Friends and family (mostly family) sometimes give me advice about how to be more physically attractive. Recently, it was often framed at how to be more attractive to the person I was in/pursuing a relationship with (stuff’s complicated). I pretty quickly realized that I shouldn’t be taking any of that as relationship advice. The thing that would make or break that relationship wasn’t physical attraction, so I wasn’t going to worry about looking any better than usual unless I wanted to. I suppose you could call that “focusing on big wins”. I tend to think of it as a more… Read more »
AJ
AJ
2 years 4 months ago

Self improvement shows a commitment to take control of your life. IWT is all about the change necessary to live a happy life…so if you show signs of self improvement, you’ll attract self-improvers and scare away people stuck in ruts.

Corey
Corey
2 years 4 months ago

I think its great when there is focus on things other than looks. Most people these days are good looking anyways, so why not ask the important questions from the start. Why not pay attention and find out now rather than one year down the road, that your partner has no self awareness and doesn’t listen to anything that you say. Me and my friends rarely ever agree about who we are most attracted to, where after attracting to a girl’s personality, she automatically becomes the most beautiful girl we have ever seen.

CP
CP
2 years 4 months ago
Strangely enough, I think of Ramit’s advice constantly. I’m 24/single/female and I know I haven’t been ready to be in a relationship BUT, I’ve used his cues to signal when it’ll be okay. For now, my online dating accounts are disabled. Why?: Ramit strategy #1: Don’t do things you don’t want to do / Don’t feel guilty over things you don’t have time to do. SAY NO. Ramit strategy #2: Be a good person. I stopped smoking 5 months ago, and have subsequently gained about 20lbs. Do I look like my VERY BEST SELF? No. However, I don’t wake up… Read more »
whuz
whuz
2 years 4 months ago

Good for you! Keep working!

Laura Brown
Laura Brown
2 years 4 months ago
I used strategy actually to find my husband, and we’ve been married for 10 years, and have 2 (#3 will be here in a month) children. I broke the first barriers when I ignored the convention and sat next to him in class (he was by himself). We also both erased the scripts and excuses that normally held us back from new relationships. It hasn’t always been perfect, but actually, we’re still using principles of IWT to change our current circumstances (he’s a SAHD, while I work full-time). Through testing and working through some barriers, we’re slowly but surely adding… Read more »
patrick
patrick
2 years 4 months ago

Be willing to reject people who aren’t a good fit for you. And set up a way to systematically meet lots of people so you will be willing to walk away if it’s not a fit.

Oh, and bushy eyebrows. You have to have bushy eyerows. Ramit, if this info product thing doesn’t work out for you, maybe you should sell bushy eyebrows. You can even use the same list you already have.

Mike
Mike
2 years 4 months ago

Agreed. Lush bushy eyebrows are crucial.

Having a dating system, and automating it, are important, but without lush bushy eyebrows, every system will fail, every time.

Corey
Corey
2 years 4 months ago
Ok let’s see if I cant go heartless for a moment here. Potential girlfriend/client- Attract her with your charming free content. Perhaps make a small initial investment, on her, and therefore on you. Now she wants to sign up for your email list (get phone number, so you can have an ongoing “customer/client” relationship.) Wait a while to contact her, so as to not seem desperate for the sale, and never spam her! Clients don’t like that. When your ready to give her a call (send out a email), don’t try to sell just yet. Depending on how you know… Read more »
Kim
Kim
2 years 4 months ago

Continuing the sales metaphor, I’d hope that a good salesperson also knows to move on when a potential client really doesn’t want what they’re selling.

Corey
Corey
2 years 4 months ago

Absolutely, good point!

Shawn
Shawn
2 years 4 months ago

You are very intuitive and brilliant at the same time!

Corey
Corey
2 years 4 months ago

That’s very nice! What a supportive community this is

Brian
Brian
2 years 4 months ago

Both of the articles you link to, Ramit, are about people that were deceitful. (The math guy lied about the importance of the topics; the woman had the fake profiles.) They got what they wanted, but that’s a pretty shitty way to treat total strangers.

Maggie
Maggie
2 years 4 months ago
I got out of my last relationship largely because I wasn’t willing to settle for an unhappy life anymore. I finally stopped and said “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?” and then “If I don’t want to spend my life with him, why am I spending my life with him now?” Since then I’ve learned to look for very real deal breakers – if they don’t have a job it’s a flag, a flag that’s only really countered by them being very actively engaged in putting their career on track. What are you… Read more »
Anna Marie
Anna Marie
2 years 4 months ago
I agree about the no-job being a red flag. I got out of a relationship years years ago because of that. He became complacent and it was holding me back. So I relocated for a new job and didn’t bring him with me. However, don’t be too hard when looking for a guy because he’s shaping his career. Sometimes we aren’t exactly in our chosen career fields but we are working towards them. If a man is willing to work no matter what and he can pay his roof over his head, food on the table and still enjoy everything… Read more »
Robert
Robert
2 years 4 months ago
During college my friends and I created an “Engineered Dating Scale” That contained 12 different attributes to classify what was important. Attributes went from Earning Potential and Indepentency to less PC correct ones such as Estimated weight game. The goal in any date was to ask questions to as quickly as possible to define their rank and decide if you should move forward or end it. We decided that the observation period had to be made in less than 2 dates or emotions and feelings would skew the objective view. Also, once you were in a relationship or had already… Read more »
Luis
2 years 4 months ago
Your right buddy, for my point of view, a relasionship, rather a marriage o r being a couple, it’s like runing a bussines, both must have a clear goal, a clear ‘life project’, period. Here in my country it’s a sayint which tells ” El amor con hambre no dura” or starving love is not long lasting, so we were exposed, to those mental jerking offs, about, Disney princes stories, soap operas ( specially here in Latin America), Romatic comedies, and so on. so we get blind, ont an exuberanto woman, or in the case of gals, the prototipe od… Read more »
Jonathan
Jonathan
2 years 4 months ago
Dear Ramit: In your dream job module, you always talk about front-loading the work. The idea, to paraphrase yourself, is to have done 80% of the “work” before reaching out to a gatekeeper HR, before the interview and before negotiating the final offer. Speaking from a guy’s perspective, “front-loading” the work is improving yourself first, and then creating relationships, and love, based on that . A few comments on the blog mention front-loading but they’re skewed towards the “hack the OKcupid,” technological-solution-for-everything types. “Justaguy” wrote “Create a simple dating system where you make rational decisions in advance in order to… Read more »
Paul
Paul
2 years 4 months ago
There are plenty of valid IWT concepts to use in romance: 1. Get advice from those qualified to give it – Just like you wouldn’t ask someone who is broke for money advice, don’t ask someone who doesn’t go on lots of good dates for dating advice. 2. Big wins – For those in a relationship, often it’s not the small things that are truly upsetting your partner, but something big. Are they at home too much (or too little)? Unsatisfying job? Low self image? Focus your efforts on the big things and the little things will solve themselves. 3.… Read more »
Colin
2 years 4 months ago
I’ve been on OKCupid for a while now. I guess you could say I’m sort of “hacking” the system. One of the most enlightened things I’ve done has been to set up multiple accounts. I have one that’s basically “just me” — granted, I come off as kind of a cocky, arrogant ass, but hey, I kind of am. I have two that are hyper-exaggerated versions of me: one toward the passive “feel-good” nice-guy realm; the other toward the overly aggressive, dominant, alpha-male type. I don’t actually use these accounts for much other than testing messages and responses. But the… Read more »
Alexis
Alexis
2 years 4 months ago

Brilliant, and so true. Thanks for sharing your work with the class.

JAW
JAW
2 years 4 months ago
Every time I read forum posts about OKCupid there are a bunch of people talking about the fake opposite-sex or own-sex-but-better-looking profiles they’ve created. I wonder how many profiles up there are “oh so clever experiments”. I love the idea of ostensibly straightforward conversations on the OKC messaging system actually being between two “rational researcher” types tapping pencils on their lips and saying hmmmm as they take notes rather than meaning any of it. All the cynical bullshitting and embellishing and crowd sourcing of content (and messages – although women are wise to googling the wackier ones to figure out… Read more »
Colin
Colin
2 years 4 months ago
In a perfect world, nobody would ever be driven to do things like this. However, that is not the world in which we live. Online dating has created an entire ecosystem that follows its own set of rules. For better or for worse, that’s what we have to work with. There are actions that get results, and there are actions that do not. Is it “oh so clever” to understand these rules in order to better facilitate an in-person meeting, where you can really discover if the two people in question are compatible in the real world? I guess I… Read more »
Dusan
Dusan
2 years 4 months ago

Ramit, what are the top 10 books (beside yours) you would suggest to young people (like me, 21) on topics you wrote on your blog (business, self psychology and finance)?

Carolynn
2 years 4 months ago

Check out Ramit’s reading list here: http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/about/reading-recommendations. It includes books and online articles.

Steven
2 years 4 months ago
ergest
ergest
2 years 4 months ago

I keep thinking of IWT names for the dating program Ramit is going to launch:
– Zero to (Girl/Boy)friend
– Dream (Girl/Boy)friend
-I Will Teach You to Find Love

AJ
AJ
2 years 4 months ago

The Finisher’s Formula

Olivia
Olivia
2 years 4 months ago
It seems to me that the main issues are: 1. People not knowing themselves well enough and investing in themselves to truly be valuable to another person (aka they don’t have their sh*t together) 2. People say that they want certain traits and qualities in a person, but actually going for a completely different type of person (very typical) 3. Having preconceived judgements about that person they have a crush on, before even trying to start a conversation or getting to know them. As Ramit would say, they’ve rejected themselves before they’ve even given it a fair chance to GET… Read more »
Anna Marie
Anna Marie
2 years 4 months ago

I absolutely agree with all of this. And it’s very accurate and true for me.

David Cunningham
2 years 4 months ago

Great article on finding love using psychology. I don’t think a lot of us have ever thought of it like that. Your article is very thought provoking and on the mark I must say. I actually, unknowingly did these things to find my wife over 7 years ago.

These principles of using psychology for finding love, to a certain extent, can also be used when learning about computers or as anything else as well. Sometimes I talk about this on my blog as well, I just don’t ever mention the word psychology.

Great article.

Charles Murphy`
Charles Murphy`
2 years 4 months ago
Using a 50,000ft view… I would first figure out what it is I’m looking for. Easiest way to do that is to just date all different kinds of people. For example if you unsure about women who own dogs you find one, date one casually, and you would eventually know if you do like women who own dos or not. While your doing this, also pursue the life and self you want. Personal growth plays a huge factor in the types of people you date. Your taste will change or become more defined as you grow. The longer you do… Read more »
Mark
Mark
2 years 4 months ago

Being single after 12 years of relationship, now father of 3, I realized that the dating game has changed a lot. There are way too many sites, so I started to use your “test” technique and open a different profile on some sites, one where I state clearly my situation, another where I am hyperconfident, another low profile… to see which one gets the more responses. Same for pictures, use differrent one on different sites.
I thought about that “reverse engineering” to look at successful male profiles, but never actually did it.
The result? I’m still single 🙂

Anna Marie
Anna Marie
2 years 4 months ago
For me it was just a “I’m not here for a long time, don’t waste my time” approach. I actually was not looking when I first met my husband. I just saw he was handsome, loved wine (just like me) and loved to dance (just like me) and that’s how we met but the date happened because one day I saw him downtown and I was running errands so I asked him to join me for lunch. He said “no, I already ate and I need to finish some things I’m doing.” So I suggested “well you can join me… Read more »
Fayola
2 years 4 months ago
Interesting topic. Here are a few: 1. Define target market. (What kind of man am I looking for?) 2. Get into target’s head (What kind of woman is he looking for?) 3. Create offering (Am I that kind of woman? Can I do anything to improve the “product”? Is it clear what I bring to the table or how I improve his life?) 4. Skip jumping into the pool of millions (dating sites, singles bar etc.) and use my network instead 5. What invisible scripts popped into my head even writing this? (Finding love should be “organic”. He should like… Read more »
Poppy
Poppy
2 years 4 months ago

Love this, Fayola!

Patrick
Patrick
2 years 4 months ago
A mental framework from the Dream Job free material has carried over into my dating life. Thinking “is this a good fit for both of us” rather than “please hire me” was a major shift in my job search. It helped me feel in control and negotiate better offers. After putting that into practice, it seeped into how I date. Being aware of the value you bring and what you’re looking for, finding out the same from the other person, and gauging whether there’s compatibility is a good way to go about things. I’m also on OkCupid, and there are… Read more »
Missy
2 years 4 months ago
I’m currently in a relationship, coming up on 3 years. We met on OKCupid. Some related principles: 1) Someone has already mentioned “front loading the work.” For me, that means a few things. a) First, getting to know yourself and what you’re actually looking for in a partner (not just what you think you’re looking for or what your friends tell you you should be looking for.) This comes from trial and error as much as from clear soul searching. Throughout my life, I dated different types of guys, every time getting a clearer picture of what were deal breakers,… Read more »
Missy
2 years 4 months ago
I’m currently in a relationship, coming up on 3 years. We met on OKCupid. Some related principles: 1) Someone has already mentioned “front loading the work.” For me, that means a few things. a) First, getting to know yourself and what you’re actually looking for in a partner (not just what you think you’re looking for or what your friends tell you you should be looking for.) This comes from trial and error as much as from clear soul searching. Throughout my life, I dated different types of guys, every time getting a clearer picture of what were deal breakers,… Read more »
Kate
Kate
2 years 4 months ago
A topic discussed at IWT I am an expert on! Yes! I researched – read more than 30 books on dating and relationships – followed what I thought were the best principles (be the best version of yourself), and took extra notice of the most relevant ones. John T Morrow’s Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others was THE best one because it was most relevant to me and was based on actual research rather than someone’s harebrained, coy ideas. Two of the best principles I got from that book was that you need to be where the men… Read more »
Chamika
Chamika
2 years 4 months ago
I grew up with computers, not the Internet so if IWT existed when I was online dating, I’d likely have found my husband sooner. I’m taking ZTL right now and would say that it’s good to have several ideas about who you could be compatible with and then map your selections to a matrix that is divided into degrees of separation and effort. If it’s somebody you’re being set up with and with whom you have many contacts in common, there is more at stake than a quick quasi-transactional date (labour of love?) and more effort goes into the endeavour… Read more »
Silvino
Silvino
2 years 4 months ago
Ok, let’s see: first of all, people go out (usually at night) looking to meet somebody interesting, and maybe begin a relationship (sometimes people fool themselves saying they just go out and have fun, but you don’t spend tons of time with clothes, apparel, etc, to just, have fun). That means find a problem to solve for your customers and know them better than themselves. Second, you should build an attractive personality, which is quite different for each people but if you don’t feel like you have something to give and share, you are doomed. That is create the best… Read more »
Daniel
Daniel
2 years 4 months ago

It’s not about you. It’s about the wants of the person you want to go on a date with. You have to show them that going on a date with you will bring them value.

That value in the immediate, a fun night out where they’ll want more value with a second date. Then in the long term, the value you’re going to add is being a fantastic partner in a committed relationship (if that’s what you’re both looking for).

Silvino
Silvino
2 years 4 months ago

I slightly disagree, in this case we are talking about people’s emotions and feelings, although I agree about focus a lot more on the other person, specially when you are actually in a date, I wouldn’t say that it’s not about you because for example, in the case of men, we usually have to ‘make a move’ first, there are several irrational fears to conquer here. Learn that if someone rejects you, it is not related of your person, it’s just about the person you have projected in the interaction it’s counter-intuitive.

Renee Lindsay
Renee Lindsay
2 years 4 months ago
I would agree with Silvino. It may be nice to say that it’s not about you, but pretending that it’s about the other person and denying what IS about you makes it all about you while trying to make it “not about you”. In other words, saying that “it’s not about you” is a universal statement that exacerbates the issue of self-identification within a relationship. How to address this issue if it becomes problematic? Recognize that it IS about you. Once you get the recognition you need (from yourself, not from the other, though that’s how many of us do… Read more »
Claudine
Claudine
2 years 4 months ago
Do your homework. Research dream relationships (whatever that means to you) and talk to people who are living them. Find out what they did, and do, to make that relationship so golden (see eg. link below). Research how to reach out to people and create an authentic script to boost your confidence & makes others feel important/ special/ desired to get you on dates. Practice become a natural at connecting with people. CARE (hint: Ramit, you can fake it all you like, but come on, you CARE). Get up, get away from your computer. TALK to people. Don’t expect it… Read more »
Varia
2 years 4 months ago
The first step is making the initial connection, right? Everyone I know that is incredibly skilled at picking up (as well as making people like them/being charming in general) has done it through good old trial and error, i.e. TESTING! Ramit, you’ve mentioned yourself that you tested “I’m a writer” vs “I’m an author” as conversation starters. Sure, it takes breaking out of your shell to approach person after person with different “lines”, behaviours, body language, etc (I haven’t been able to do it) but it’s by far the most successful way I’ve seen to learn how people respond to… Read more »
Cathy
Cathy
2 years 4 months ago
The same people who think sending their resume to 500 companies via monster.com then complain that no one is hiring probably think online dating profiles are gonna match them with their true love. Think about what you want in a big picture sense (someone who will support you without being suffocating and has the same sense of humor. Or the person who makes you better at the things you are good at and is good at the things you are bad at. Or the gardener who will tend to the needs of you the delicate flower. Or whatever). Or make… Read more »
Renee Lindsay
Renee Lindsay
2 years 4 months ago
Let’s see… my take: I purchased the DJ course thinking that I’d want to land a dream job. Obviously. About a month into the course I realized I had a vastly different goal in mind: to identify and pursue a feeling state. I remember telling you in my Mod 3 video that I don’t care what I do for a living. Really. And, it’s true. What I’m really after is bliss. I’m glad that you bring up finding love and your IWT material because I DID experience a couple of weeks of anxiety when it became clear to me that… Read more »
Rebecca
Rebecca
2 years 4 months ago

No content to add, just a thank you for the pleasure of reading your post(s).

James Kerti
2 years 4 months ago
I posted this story in the comments here before, and it’s never been more applicable to an IWT post. “I got REALLY specific on the kind of woman I wanted to attract, and just as specific when it came to what it would take to attract that kind of woman. Not the standard B.S. like “Oh, she has to be blonde, make less money than I do because I’m insecure, and have a great ass.” Ugh. Hell no. My friends still do that. I was like, “My future partner has a dry wit and is very sarcastic. She’s more well-read… Read more »
Mike
2 years 4 months ago
Well…. Qualifying and automation. I’ve taken a lot of time to get good at online dating so I found a profile that works. Then I experimented and figured out the type of girl I like and what gets their attention. Then I wrote my profile catering to that. “I date many people at once” to communicate I’m seeing others and honest about it, “The triskelion is a favorite symbol” to… well communicate what that means. “Snowboard, martial arts, etc” as hobbies to show I’m athletic and imply I prefer the same without saying it. Top off with a couple really… Read more »
JJG
JJG
2 years 4 months ago

I agree with the ideology. We’re essentially looking for a handful of traits in a partner and most often everything else builds from there. That said, I’ve never come close to cracking the world of online dating. It seems something of a waste compared to other methods since the services I’ve used have turned up relatively few women who I find attractive and have traits that I’m looking for and, of those, I’ve never managed an in-person.

That said, I’ve known several people for whom online dating has worked (although their ideal partners are significantly different from mine).

chris r
chris r
2 years 4 months ago
The game being played around you. People tend to”feel” things and act on them, but in reality There is a lot of psycology behind relationships for example, men I dont care how hot/smart/whatever you cannot tell a woman you love her or want to marry her on the first date. But if you let her increase her interest in you, she can’t wait to hear it. Notice that this has nothing to do with how you feel or what you want and it’s all about the woman. @ramit I suggest you check out doc love from askmen, imho the authority… Read more »
Laura
Laura
2 years 4 months ago
From recent experience – focus on the big wins. The things that are important in a relationship are that you’re going in the same direction (with compatible goals and needs from the relationship), communication, and equal interest in the relationship. If you can find someone with those, you know its worth your time to see if they’re more compatible. The person you end up with might not be the height you expected (and lets be honest, being picky about things like height and eye colour isn’t really going to widen your options or make you all that attractive to many)… Read more »
Kim alsbrooks
2 years 4 months ago

I could only access the first article on the hacker. As the woman he”found” stated, she “found him”. It seems his methods produced pretty bad results and his only winning working attribute was persistence.

Tim
Tim
2 years 4 months ago

For a 100% success rate, I’d use the Briefcase Technique on the first date.

If your research (by talking to her friends and family (talk to her ex!!!)) has brought up that she wants to lose weight, for example, you can start your first date by pulling out a diet and exercise plan – specifically tailored for her!

She will not think you’re a creep but will instead be impressed by the amount of intimate information you were able to gather.

Smooth sailing from here on out.

Carolynn
2 years 4 months ago
Thrilled to see you covering this topic. Months ago, you brought this up over lunch and it got me started on an adventure. I realized I didn’t understand this topic well and had to change that. So I applied the IWT principles I knew, the same way I’d applied them to my career. These principles included: INVISIBLE SCRIPTS I had huge invisible scripts around romantic relationships including: -oneitis aka I really want this one person/job, so I’m going to focus here and ignore everything else. I think I picked up this belief from pop culture, which tells us love is… Read more »
Nadeem
Nadeem
2 years 4 months ago
I just happen to be working a self improvement program that although entirely unrelated to IWT, it utilizes the exact same psychology and methodology to get to a “Soulmate” relationship. The program suggest that you identify three people in your life who are very close to you ideal mate. You should give them a very low pressure interview about their ideal spouse taking great care to let them know this is for information only and that you are NOT trying to pair up with them. After completing all interviews, look for the commonalities and then realistically asses your ‘”gap.” Now… Read more »
Dilys
Dilys
2 years 4 months ago

what is the program called? and the website address?

Ben
Ben
2 years 4 months ago

I use IWT principles all the time with my relationship! Analyzing invisible scripts has been particularly helpful. When I was “on the market”, I studied onilne profiles of both men and women to see what they *said* they were looking for, as well as figuring out what they probably meant with their phrasing. It helped avoid some folks who seemed a good fit on the outside, but weren’t a very authentic match. For online dating, the understanding the Craigslist Penis Effect also definitely works in your favor.

Suz deMello
2 years 4 months ago

Cool ideas, but what the mathematician did is pretty far beyond me. I appreciated the tips that the journalist discovered and have implemented them,. Thanks!

Jane
2 years 4 months ago
All of Ramit’s material teaches us to take action to go after what we want and you have to adopt the same mentality in dating. A lot of women think that guys are just going to come to them and in many cases, this is true. But, a lot of the guys that come up to women in bars/other places aren’t going to be who that woman is actually looking for. In the same way that letting the recruiters/hr people do the work for you is not a good idea when you’re looking for your dream job, you shouldn’t let… Read more »
Marina
2 years 4 months ago

Online dating takes just as much time as real dating and makes you a chunkier monkey BUT this guy is awesome!

Vicki
2 years 4 months ago
I did online dating for a several (10+)years. I’ve taken a break from it for about 4 years now. I find that I just wasn’t able to meet the right guy that way. Maybe I didn’t create the right profile photos, or hack the right adjectives to filter the bad guys and magnetize Mr. Right, but the whole thing just got so crazy-making I gave up. I totally think that Amy Webb’s hacking methodology might work well for me if I lived in a larger city, where it would be possible to narrow down my dating options to the exact… Read more »
Diana
Diana
2 years 4 months ago

Today I Learned: Guys aren’t into nice girls with good jobs, and “females” don’t enjoy Star Trek.

Vicki
Vicki
2 years 4 months ago
I did find when I was online dating that men don’t read profiles. However, they *do* read your subject line, so you want to make sure you know how many characters of your subject line will actually show up in an email from Match (or whatever site) containing a guy’s list of matches. Make sure you are smiling in the photo that shows up next to your subject line, and make your subject line short but very targeted to the type of person you want to meet. I hate acronyms, but they do help you out as a filter. A… Read more »
Dennis
Dennis
2 years 4 months ago

I think the best tip that I got was to be the person I want to attract. I have taken more risks, started more activities, stayed with them and generally just develop myself more.

It gives you a different vibe and women see that.

Heather Jackson
Heather Jackson
2 years 4 months ago
Psychology lesson for communicating with your partner – structure your message so that your partner will be receptive to it. That sounds obvious, but observing other people argue, it seems like most people are concerned only with getting words off their chest – not with actually getting buy-in from the other person and successfully persuading them to change some behavior or resolve a disagreement. Note that the operative word is “buy-in” – my goal is for my husband and me to cooperate, not manipulate or trick him into doing what I want. After lots of trial and error, I learned… Read more »
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2 years 4 months ago

This site provides you best astrologer who solve your all problems related to astrology,its good for sharing.

Nick Brown
Nick Brown
2 years 4 months ago

This is a great question Ramit.

Two ideas jump out at me:

(1) Use the idea of doing research and the work up front to find the woman of your dreams.

Ex. Actually “interviewing” attractive women (in your “market” of interest) on their past boyfriends or current boyfriends and what attracted them to their current partner.

(2) Using “big wins” or the Pareto Principle to find love.

Ex. When creating a profile on Match.com or Okcupid.com identify the one to three things that will get the biggest results from women.

Sound about right?

Jeffrey
Jeffrey
2 years 4 months ago
Ramit, People are completely clueless about their own dating preferences! Here is some fascinating research for you and your research on relationships. Prof. Eli Finkle gave a talk called “The Delusion of Romantic Self-Insight” as part of Dan Ariely’s Coursera class “A Beginner’s Guide to Irrational Behavior.” It discusses how deluded people are about their own romantic decisions. He showed in studies of online dating, speed dating, and meta-studies, that men and woman value attractiveness, earning potential, and personability equally, no matter what society tells us or they personally self-report. If you sign in to the Coursera class right away,… Read more »
Jeffrey
Jeffrey
2 years 4 months ago

Here is his contact information:
Eli J. Finkel, Ph.D.
Professor
Social Psychology (Director)
Management and Organizations (Kellogg)
http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/

Peter Hedstrom
Peter Hedstrom
2 years 3 months ago

Something that keeps coming to mind is the concept from Dream Job of “Front-Loading,” in other words, taking the time at the start to work on the right things. Also, avoiding RANT – Random Acts Of Non-Productive Tactics. Instead, having a system in place, which is rigorously tested, to find out how to interact and engage in your potential “dream partner.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XVav-aD68s

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1 year 6 months ago

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Brian
1 year 2 months ago

I’ve used the testing principle to test different openers and recorded the success rate. Of course, to be ethical since real feelings are involved, I have only messaged girls I would actually ask out once the conversation started.

In addition, I created a fake girl account and studied the FAQs that guys give. I will never ask the tired old question as an opener.

This instantly separates me from the other “hey” “what do u study” “wanna f***” type messages, plus once I determined the best-performing opener, I’ve gotten responses and new friends!

Patrick Hay
Patrick Hay
1 year 2 months ago
Ramit, I’ve been waiting for you to talk about this stuff in depth, but you keep recycling this blog post linking to articles from long ago. I know you’re thinking about this stuff in a high-level way yourself — please give us some of your own insights! There was a recent NY Times article that mentioned the psychology of settling for a mediocre relationship. Though they’re talking about cohabiting and marriage, it could apply even to casual dating. “In behavioral economics, it’s called consumer lock-in. Lock-in is the decreased likelihood to search for, or change to, another option once an… Read more »
Christy
Christy
1 year 2 months ago
Hello Greetings to everyone, I am Mrs. Lizzy Babss From California, after Five years of marriage, My Husband divorces me off no reason, I cried all through and try all the possible best I could to make everything work out for good and to get him back but to no avail, I was confused and frustrated until I crossed a site of Dr. Sandra, I read everything completely on the site, it was talking about Love spells and reunion marriage spells and different types of spells, I was more confused on what to do because I don’t believe on spell… Read more »
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Mega
9 months 20 days ago

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