I have friends right now — guys in their early 30s — who haven’t had a relationship in years. They want one. They’re ready to meet somebody. But they haven’t really met or touched a woman (even her elbow) in years.
Women don’t really get this since they don’t have this problem. So the natural thing is to say, “Ugh, what’s wrong with them?” But these guys aren’t freaks. They look normal, they have good jobs, and they can hold a conversation. They just missed out on the early dating scene and now their being single has become “a thing.”
Back in the day, when I used to offer unsolicited advice that everyone ended up hating, I suggested they check out a course on meeting women. Like learning how to be charming, etc. Pickup without all the “bang her tonight!!” stuff.
You know what they said? (Remember, these were guys who hadn’t met/done anything with a girl in YEARS.) “I don’t want to have to change myself for them. They should like me for me.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
You want them to be this height, this body type, this kind of personality…but you’re not willing to improve yourself?
Notice that they confused “improving” with “changing.” (The elephant in the room, the question I didn’t ask, was, What if the current YOU isn’t really the most attractive?)
It’s like delusional home owners who insist their house is worth $2.9mm, even though their best offer is $2.2mm. The market doesn’t lie.
Isn’t it weird that guys will get new clothes, buy bottle service, or get new colognes…but we rarely think about improving our personality? (For women, same thing — makeup, new clothes, fancy hair care products — but the idea of investing in ourselves to improve our personality and charisma is totally insane?)
This is a classic invisible script: “I don’t want to change. They should like me for me. If I do ___, I’ll change and I won’t be the same person.”
And this manifests in really interesting ways:
- “I don’t want to be rich. Life isn’t just about money, Ramit. I don’t want to be the kind of person who has to drive a BMW and stay in a Four Seasons.”
- “If I start making more, my friends will think I’m a dick.”
- “If I start dressing better, my friends will make fun of me and call me gay.”
Which is why I love this question from one of my readers, Teresa:
“What is the difference between changing yourself for the better, and losing your identity of who you are now? I don’t want to become “someone else” to get ahead. I don’t believe conformity is the answer. I am uniquely different, and I want to keep those qualities that I value dearly.”
I recorded a quick video to share my thoughts on changing (“improving”) yourself. I think you’ll like it. Nothing to sell, nothing to promote. I just want to share what I’ve learned about this with you.
In the comments, tell me ONE thing you were afraid of changing. What were you afraid would happen? (That your friends would think differently of you? That your family would disapprove?)
Share your stories. This is fascinating stuff.