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Be the Expert: What do you say to a partner to help them lose weight?

201 Comments- Get free updates of new posts here

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All right, today we’re doing a VERY challenging “Be the Expert.” This is the series where you try to take my material, apply it in the real world, and usually end up miserably failing. Then I shake my head and clean house.

Here’s the scenario:

You’ve been dating your partner for 3.5 years. Man, woman, straight, gay, doesn’t matter. Your partner has gained 35lbs. You’ve noticed their energy lagging and you’re concerned about their health. You start to notice that you’re becoming less attracted to them.

Your goal is for your partner to start taking better care of themselves and lose weight. How do you do it?

Important notes:

  • You didn’t mind 5, 10, 20lbs. But at some point, you want to say something. In this scenario, that point is now.
  • You have not gained much weight since beginning the relationship with your partner.

Objections that will not be accepted: “Ramit how could you? This is simple heteronormative fat-shaming” or “Ramit, you imbecile…you can’t change anyone until they’re ready to change themselves.” Um…please leave this site. This is a hypothetical scenario. You can choose to participate because you’re concerned about your partner’s health, or becoming unattracted to them, or even for another reason. Or you can simply not participate. What you can’t do is use hackneyed excuses to shut down a hypothetical learning environment. However, if you have ideas for future Be The Experts, email me directly — I’m always open to new ideas.

How would you do it?

Hints:

  • Don’t just say, “I would encourage them to go to the gym together with me!” (Silence as 100,000 people groan, their only strategy now swept away from them.) Play it out: What happens if they say no? Or they go once, then stop going? Really map out the likely scenarios. If A, then B. If C, then D. Take it to the logical conclusion.
  • Use EXACT words. When you say, “I would just tell them to ___” you are glossing over the critical part, the words you use to communicate. Use the actual words, not a glossed-over version.
  • Be sensitive. This is an incredibly sensitive topic, so if you say, “YOU JUST NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT” not only will you be mercilessly mocked on this site, I feel sorry for your partner. Hint: You may want to read this and this first.

Leave your comments below.

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201 Comments

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201 Comments on "Be the Expert: What do you say to a partner to help them lose weight?"

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Ariana
2 years 11 months ago
If he has gained 15 kg I would assume that 1. He knows he has gained weight and that this might not be great, (for his heath, for physical attraction etc.), because that’s already an amount you can really see and feel (clothes etc.) 2. He knows what he should do in theory to lose weight (because most of us do) Therefore there is no need to tell him what I have observed or what I feel he should do. Instead I would first try to find out, why he has gained the weight. Is it the environment that I… Read more »
Renee
Renee
2 years 11 months ago

Ariana, I love your whole response, especially this bit:

“In the end — if he does not want to spend time together with me, the weight is not our main problem.”

Excellent insight. There may be much more going on underneath the surface than just a few pounds.

Michael
Michael
2 years 11 months ago
Excellent reflection. What if his weight is related to a lack of self esteem? Then eating better or going out to do activities might not work. You have to want to feel better to actually do. You ask an excellent question, why is it a problem. I just feel we need to go deeper than tactics to help him. Find out the issues that makes him want to feel worse than better (this is of course assuming that statement is accurate) and work on changing that. Once a person works on his/her issues, and wants to feel better, then the… Read more »
Ryan Stephens
2 years 11 months ago

I send my wife pictures of cross-fit chicks from Tumblr and remind her to plank everyday. She’s ripped city.

Logan
Logan
2 years 11 months ago

Well. Isn’t your wife lucky.

Jason
Jason
2 years 11 months ago

awesome … works?

Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago

Wow I bet she’s super excited that you’re hoping she looks like all these other “hot” women, I bet her self esteem rocks… – classy (hoping you are getting the incredibly sarcastic vibe I’m sending)

Pat
Pat
2 years 11 months ago

That’s spousal abuse.

Timothy
2 years 10 months ago

…Joking?…

Marc
Marc
2 years 10 months ago

I don’t know why everyone is so quick to judge. You don’t know their relationship. Just because that may be condescending in yours does not mean it is in theirs.

Ryan Hall
2 years 10 months ago
I’m seconding Marc here. My wife actually prefers I tell her she’s getting fat and likes when I send her photos of ripped chicks. I know because she specifically asked me to tell her when she is getting fat and not “sugar coat” it. Marc, spot on. You don’t know the relationship, so don’t hate. When I gained 15 lbs. my wife looked at me and looked at herself and said. We need to diet. Brutal, yes, honest, yes. Guess who’s kicking ass and happier for it? Both of us. Don’t hate on honesty. It will get you farther than… Read more »
Valerie
Valerie
2 years 11 months ago
I know for a fact that simply cooking healthier meals for the other partner won’t necessarily work, depending on the person. A friend of mine was roommates with a couple where the woman was desperately trying to get her husband to eat healthy by only buying healthy food and preparing healthy lunches and dinners for him everyday. He would proceed to eat all the premade food in the mornings before work (while she was gone) and eat out (presumably crap food) for lunch and dinner. She bought him a treadmill, he never used it… or pretended to use it. The… Read more »
Lynn
Lynn
2 years 11 months ago

Specific words? Well, I might have to try different approaches to see what sticks, but to start, perhaps something along the lines of “I’ve been reading up a lot on how high-fructose corn syrup is really bad for us. Can you help me figure out which of our stuff has that and if there is something else (brand/substitute) we can buy instead?” Something small, easy to change and s/he can brainstorm ways to ‘fix’ with you. Finding that first thing, though, is hard.

Josie
Josie
2 years 11 months ago
Well I have been through a similar situation except that the crazy weight gain hasn’t happen just yet but the “couch potato” and crazy junk eating was getting to me. Funny enough I was the one that put on 35lb and reversed it last year 😀 I have been doing a few things that have helped…First I use his need for convenience to my advantage. I have to pack my lunch so I pack his as well that way he doesn’t go to McDonalds on his lunch break. I cook for like 5 people at dinner so there are home-made… Read more »
Hubbard
Hubbard
2 years 11 months ago

Step 1) Buy a scale, preferably one that measures to the tenth of a pound, so it’s easier to see progress or backsliding.

Step 2) Track your partner’s weight daily: write it down on a calendar each day. Make sure you do it at the same time each day, perhaps when you wake up in the morning or before bed at night.

That’s what my boyfriend has done with me–and I’m down 10 pounds after a month. Slow and steady.

Stephen
Stephen
2 years 11 months ago
Hate to say it, but daily weight ins are a really bad thing. Its much too easy to vary your weight, even in the same day (7-10lbs in one day isn’t out of the norm for me during the summer months). I’ve tracked my weight at least weekly for going on 9 years now, and I can see variations even weekly just from differences in what I eat. Saltly dinner, yeh expect to “gain” lots of weight the next day. Huge workout, expect to “lose” lots of weight. Once you know the signs, you can work with them to keep… Read more »
Trevor
Trevor
2 years 11 months ago

Daily weight ins can make it a habit which some people find easier to sustain.

If you have daily weigh ins you can easily see longer term patterns especially if you plot it or take a moving average.

Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago

That could be taken as incredibly offensive, plus don’t know about men but ladies can fluxuate up to 4 lbs in a day. Pretty sure I’d slap my BF if he suggested such a thing to me

Caitlin
Caitlin
2 years 11 months ago

If my partner simply told me that he’s noticed I gained weight I would just say something like, “yeah, I know. Thanks for pointing it out”. (read sarcasm).

I’d rather he say something like, “how about we go for a walk after dinner? We can get moving and spend time together at the same time.” My response is more likely to be “I need the exercise anyway and spending time together….sounds like a plan.” Or if he did the cooking he could cook healthier meals for me.

I guess I prefer the subtler but active approach.

AMB
AMB
2 years 11 months ago
I didn’t say anything. I simply started my own workout plan. I get up in the mornings and work out on my own. I also cook our dinner’s so I can control what we eat for dinner. I also grocery shop so if he wants to eat bad, he has to eat out. My fiancé is a competitive guy. I knew if I could run faster than him, he wouldn’t let that last long as a runner himself. He has started working out again on a pretty regular basis. The only things I talked to him about were how I… Read more »
maureen M
2 years 10 months ago
What a great approach! There is nothing you can say or do that will motivate someone to do something. Motivation is an internal switch and the only one who can turn it on is you. Telling people what they already know is like poking an angry bee. Showing them pictures of fit and beautiful women is demoralizing. If something like that is working it’s being done out of fear. The only way to create change is to change yourself. The only one you have control over is you. That is why I liked this response. If, in the long run,… Read more »
jesus
jesus
2 years 11 months ago

I just compliment her whenever she is in her workout clothes, tell her how much I like her when she is sweaty. I just make her feel good about working out.

Marissa Roberts
2 years 11 months ago

Love this

Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago

You rock! good job

Megan
Megan
2 years 10 months ago

Yes, my boyfriend told me once how much he likes seeing me flushed and sweaty from exercising, and that was a big boost.

Jones
2 years 11 months ago
I think we need to change the rhetoric that we are using. “Weight loss” sucks. It means diet and pointless exercise. If you go into trying to change yourself with that mindset, it’s nonstop negative reinforcement. You’ll fail big time and then you’ll want to hate-eat a bucket of fried chicken. I’ve been there. We focus too much on how our body looks and not what our body can do. That’s the better motivation. How much can I lift? How fast can I run? How long can I swim? How many pushups can I do without stopping? When you have… Read more »
Chavi
Chavi
2 years 10 months ago

Love this. And this is the only way that has ever worked for me. Struggling for months so as to look *less fat*? Wow, how motivating. Working out every day and feeling more energetic instantly, and exponentially better in short amounts of time? Now we’re talking. Google Neghar Fonooni (recommended by Ramit’s personal trainer friends).

Barry
2 years 11 months ago

I’d probably try to encourage one small actionable change to get the ball rolling, rather than a wholesale change. So suggest she gets off the bus one stop early, or changing from white rice to brown rice. Try and make that a habit, then move onto the next one.

I did, however, just watch a BJ Fogg video yesterday 🙂

Chris
Chris
2 years 11 months ago

“I don’t know about you but I have noticed we could both stand to do a better job of taking care of our health as of late. We owe it to ourselves and our creator to be of healthy body and sound mind. We need to do a better job encouraging each other to make smart food choices and to be more active. After all, if we look good, we’ll feel good, and we’ll play good!”

Rus
2 years 11 months ago

I disagree with the notion that any one thing will or won’t work because every person responds to feedback, input, whatever in a unique way.

Daily weigh-ins worked wonders for me in loosing 35lbs.

But, I was also educated in knowing that weight fluctuates constantly depending on time of day, activity and food intake.

Laurel
Laurel
2 years 11 months ago
Weight is always gained incrementally, and lost incrementally as well. Knowing that, I wouldn’t have waiting until the 35 pounds (!!) but since that is the scenario, I would do the following: 1) Set up a specific weight loss scenario for me, including menu plans, grocery shopping lists, calorie counting chart, and weight loss chart. 2) I would then have a sit-down dinner with my partner with one of my amazing new menu items, tell them, “Since we have both gained weight and want to be the best we can be for ourselves and for each other, I’ve decided I’m… Read more »
Tom
Tom
2 years 11 months ago

Hey sweetie, I’m sorry if I’m being a dick by saying this, if it hurts your feelings just tell me ok ?

These days I feel like I’m less attracted to you. I still love you and I think we’re doing great as a couple, don’t get me wrong. Anyway, I’m not exactly sure why, but I think flat stomach is something I really liked when we met, I really liked that about your body.

Anyway, what do you think ? Do you feel like you’ve let yourself go lately ? Do you think we can work something out together ?

Tiffany
Tiffany
2 years 11 months ago

ROFL

Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago

nice try, sig other then replies, “oh so all you care about is my looks?” a bit condescending as well, saying I’m less attracted to you is like a kick in the teeth/gut man/lady parts just fyi

Scott
Scott
2 years 11 months ago
Lead by example! Nothing you say is going to be well received. It must be their choice, not yours. I’ve actually been in this place. Over many years I tried everything from subtle hints to down-right asking. In the end, the *only* thing that worked is me simply working out religiously. It took about 3 years until finally she decided she wanted to start working out. Not because I was or because of how much weight I lost…. but because I was able to eat pretty much anything I wanted and stay in my 29″ pants. Now, we both way… Read more »
Pat at Feeling Financial
2 years 11 months ago
Well, that is a toughie… I would of course agonize over the right words (which are less important than the message received) for a while. Ultimately I think it’s about saying what *I* think and feel, because I can’t control (or don’t necessarily want to control) what my wife thinks/feels, but I of course want to be as compassionate as possible. Looking at one of the links above, it also appears I can’t “educate,” which I’d agree with. For me, the challenge is to let my wife know that I care about her and am concerned. But the actual solution… Read more »
Jenna
Jenna
2 years 11 months ago
Lots of the comments about specific plans are great… but ultimately with my husband and I we always have to have a conversation too. This conversation feels the most real to me. (Especially since my husband-then-boyfriend did something similar to me ~2 years ago.) It went about like this — including me wondering if he would be attracted to someone else and want to leave me, even though he emphasized my health. So you have to follow this up with lots and lots of compliments! Even so, I feel it is important to be honest in a relationship and it… Read more »
Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago
Im in almost this exact situation right now, but I need to lose some weight too! My fiance was overweight when we started dating (and has been the majority of his life). He’s also diabetic but has an almost uncontrolable sweet tooth. What I’m finding is working to get both of us motivated to exercise and change our habits is having a sport that we both participate in and enjoy. I’ve played Roller Derby for the past 2 years, and after going to Rollercon in Vegas with me this year, hes decided to become a ref. The problem is he… Read more »
Ellen
Ellen
2 years 11 months ago
Well, I would have to address this like I do everything else. Be REAL. For me, I am personally more attracted to a mind than I am to a body (not to say I don’t like attractive features). I like a man who is driven, SMART, and in charge. I have dated men who were not the picture of perfection, but who had something in their attitude that was very attractive to me. That being said, I’m not the sort who would ever say, “cut out all that crap and you won’t be so fat.” Well, actually, I would, but… Read more »
Merrett
2 years 11 months ago
People need to be validated first of all and you need to own how it’s affecting you. The conversation needs to be one that respects both parties and gets to what really matters, something along the lines of this: “Dear, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time. Your health is important to me and I’ve noticed over time that you haven’t been taking as good of care of yourself and your weight is at an unhealthy level. I imagine this isn’t what you want for yourself and it isn’t what I want for… Read more »
K
K
2 years 11 months ago
I’m not overweight but my partner is, very similar to the senario in the question. I’ve found the most successful weeks to be the ones where I participate. If I’m suggesting we work out, or planning healthly meals, or pre-prepping healthy snack he does a lot better with his goals. This gets exhausting because they are his goals, not necessarily mine, and my motivation fades when he does take the initiative on these goals because I’m only doing these things to help him. After reading your links I think we will sit down and do an exercise on passive barriers… Read more »
Julie
Julie
2 years 11 months ago
The weight issue is something both my partner and I have been facing, however she is much more blunt than I will ever be. What I did: -stocked the fridge with fruits and veggies -planned activities with friends (so we couldn’t back out) that forced us to be more active like taking the dogs to the park, walking around the farmer’s market, swimming, etc. (basically anything to keep us off the couch) My plan was to automate certain aspects of our lives so that some weight would come off naturally and then I could make a comment once she was… Read more »
Jess H.
Jess H.
2 years 11 months ago
“First things first: I love you and I’m really glad you’re my partner. I also love the life we have together. That’s why I’m worried about some changes I’ve noticed recently. “You’ve been really low on energy. For example, we usually go for a walk after dinner, but we’ve only done it once in the last three weeks. I look forward to those walks all day, and I miss walking with you. Can we talk about some ways to get your energy levels back to where they used to be?” [YES] “That’s awesome! I can’t wait to get my high-energy… Read more »
Nancy
2 years 11 months ago

I just hope we find out what works soon so that I can e-mail it to my partner and she can start the process on me. LOL. I’ve got 20 stubborn lbs to lose and I would love some support.

Anna Pollock
Anna Pollock
2 years 11 months ago
For long term fitness and health, you’ve got to automate it just as Ramit recommends automating finances. I suggest looking at taking care of yourself as the smart savings plan so that you can splurge on what you want: hot sex–in our case! My boyfriend and I don’t live together and between us we have four children, so when we find rare times to be together alone, we want to make it count. The effort we put into taking care of ourselves in the meantime-running, yoga, weights, good diet, watch the alcohol–is akin to the hard work of earning and… Read more »
Devin Reams
2 years 11 months ago

Came here to search for ‘sex’ and surprised I found it so far down…

Wendy
Wendy
2 years 11 months ago
Before you can fix the problem, you need to know the underlying causes of the weight gain. It could be a physical condition, emotional stress, poor eating habits, lack of sleep, loss of interest in the current exercise routine, low self esteem, etc. Once you can pinpoint the underlying issue(s), you can create a plan to address the issues and the side effects (such as the weight gain). So I might start out with something like, “I notice that you have gained weight over . I’m concerned about you. What’s going on in your life?” And then I’d shut up… Read more »
Teng
Teng
2 years 11 months ago

I’d start paying more attention to hotter slimmer guys and even play flirt all directly under my partner’s nose. Even though I have no intentions of leaving him for another person, it is exactly the psychology that would make me feel conpelled to lose that weight if he did the same trick. Like it or not, fear/love/jealousy are strong emotions makes people react strongly. Just my Two cents.

Jessica
Jessica
2 years 11 months ago
Coming from a woman’s perspective, we are usually aware when we’ve gained that much weight. And a lot of times, it’s technically the relationships fault, as most forms of hormonal birth control cause that kind of weight gain. A woman could feel resentful about the weight gain, since she adopted her birth control so she wouldn’t have to worry about her partner getting her pregnant, so the partner worrying about her weight gain (and becoming less attracted to her!!!) is a huge cost for her sacrifice and quite unfair. But, if she hasn’t brought it up it’s to not involve… Read more »
Hema
2 years 11 months ago
“Your goal is for your partner to start taking better care of themselves and lose weight. How do you do it?” To be specific, the goal of this exercise is the above two statements and the rest seems irrelevant. How would I get my partner to take better care of themselves and make them lose weight? That’s the important part. The answer has to be establishing an emotional need for them to do these actions. How do we create an emotional need? We have to first understand ourselves the emotional reason why they got to where they are in the… Read more »
Roberta
Roberta
2 years 11 months ago
My current boyfriend has seen me take off over 100 pounds over time and keep it off. As we’ve been dating, he eats like I eat, clean meals of lean protein, carbs mainly from vegetables and lower sugar fruit, vegan shakes, a little dairy, and of course, we go out and still apply the principles. He’s lost over 25 pounds in a month so he convinced himself. I now ask him midday if we’ll walk in the evening before he works and I come home from work and he holds me to it. He said he was just going to… Read more »
Shane D
2 years 11 months ago
Nothing was worse for my motivation than my girlfriend telling me that I was too skinny and needed to change. That just made me want to forget about my shortcoming even more. What finally motivated me to bulk up was another girlfriend telling me that I was ALREADY big and strong. (She was tiny, I was tall.) That made me feel empowered to make a change in my life. What helped me actually MAKE the change though was setting up an accountability system while my motivation was high. Throughout my transformation I’d spend my moments of high motivation making things… Read more »
Ellen
Ellen
2 years 11 months ago

I’ve read through a lot of the comments. There is definitely a different tactic needed when talking about chronic weight gain (someone who has always had this struggle) and an episode of weight gain that is unusual for a person. Most here seem to be addressing chronic weight gain. Also, for women approaching menopause it would be a completely different tactic and may not be within her control at all.

Eric
Eric
2 years 11 months ago

If you don’t lose some fat I will stop fucking you.

Renee
Renee
2 years 11 months ago

Eric, she’s been fucking your best friend this whole time. And his wife.

Becky
2 years 11 months ago
This is such a tough one. My husband gained over 50 lbs within 3 years of being married with me. He needed to take a terrible medicine which slapped the weight on him in a few months. It was devastating and we’re still recovering. Here are a few things I’ve said that worked well: When we visit McDonalds/eat poorly, I said things like: a.) I don’t feel good about us eating here. (stress the us) b.) Would you like to eat somewhere else? Let’s try something new. c.) Let’s visit Whole Foods/Sprouts and get some veggies for the week. d.)… Read more »
Kendra
Kendra
2 years 11 months ago
I am over weight and always have been. My husband on the other hand is very skinny and in shape. But here’s the deal I try to eat healthy and cook healthy. I never eat sweets or drink pop. He on the other hand eats something sweet after every meal. He drinks pop and energy drinks. He comes home after work and sits on his butt. The only chore he does is feed and trash. I do everything else… cook, clean, garden, flowers, canning, take care of three kids. I feel I don’t have time to work out. I have… Read more »
Pat
Pat
2 years 11 months ago

Some guys like their spouse heavy so she isn’t attractive to someone else. That way they don’t have to invest anything into maintaining the relationship.

hannah
hannah
2 years 10 months ago

Kendra may I suggest that you have your doctor look into possible health reasons for your weight? With your healthy habits it sounds like there may be an underlying reason for you to hold on to that weight.
PCOS, insulin resistance, pre-diabetes, low vitamin D, all good possibilities. Please get it checked out with your physician, and good for you teaching healthy habits to your kids!

Renee
Renee
2 years 11 months ago
I lost 100 lbs after my husband left 4 years ago. I chalked it up (in a nutshell) to not having to listen to him bitch about my weight every goddamned day. It isn’t that I didn’t try to be thin — it’s that my weight was a symptom instead of a problem. My ex never asked me what the problem was .. he just brought home a stack of Muscular Development magazines, lamented his missed opportunity to marry Jenna Jameson, and told me to suck it up and try harder. I agree with Ariana. Someone who has gained 35… Read more »
Alex
Alex
2 years 11 months ago

A doctor who says, “you gained weight, dear”, cares about you. A husband who says “you gained weight, dear”, is making fun of you. Bastard.

Dave
Dave
2 years 11 months ago

I don’t understand why everyone is so sensitive about letting people know when they are fat. If someone smokes, it is perfectly acceptable to tell them how disgusting it is and how they need to quit. But if a person is overweight and someone makes a comment about it everyone freaks out.

Selina Davis
Selina Davis
2 years 11 months ago
I would sit and explain that we need to talk. I want to know why you are losing energy with our everyday life. I would listen completely with my head and my heart because of my concern for your welfare in this relationship. I am a part of this too. We both should have a physical done to see what we both can do about it. I am very concerned about our health in this relationship. The weight gain my not just be fat (I am in the medical industry) but an underlying issue that we in a partnership must… Read more »
Sarah Williams
Sarah Williams
2 years 11 months ago
My husband and I have actually had this type of conversation before. I would look for ways to automate exercise and better nutrition. Our home is very bike friendly, so I’d suggest we start doing a bike ride together in the evening. I think he’d go for this, because our son, Josh, loves bike rides, and it’d be fun, but I’m pretty sure we’d fall off fairly shortly, so I want to connect it to something we do regularly. We take Josh to the library every Tuesday so I’d suggest biking to the library. We also semi regularly take Josh… Read more »
Jeff Tussey
Jeff Tussey
2 years 11 months ago

I would start buying tickets for three people wherever we go. I might even make comments like “I would like just you and me to go out, I am tired of buying tickets for three!”

I might say “come back when you are alone.”

Mariel
Mariel
2 years 11 months ago
Sweetie, you know I love you and always will. We’ve been through so much together and worked hard to be where we are now. But now I am concerned about your health. I notice you seem tired all the time and you don’t seem to care as much as you used to about being more active or having healthier meals. I just wanted to know if this is a reflection of something that’s affecting you (A) or us or if you’re feeling fine (B) if A) I am here for you and will support you in whatever way you need.… Read more »
Jonathan
2 years 11 months ago
I would first start by trying to set some goal we can attain together. For instance, signing up for a 5k or a mud run so that will give us both an excuse to train. I am such an advocate of leading by example. If your committed to your fitness, you’re partner will eventually jump on the bus as well. Conversation: A) Babe, I’m signing up for a 5k to raise money for cancer research do you want to sign up too? If Yes B if no C B) Cool, I was thinking of starting to go walking 3 times… Read more »
Angela
Angela
2 years 11 months ago

“I’ve noticed you’ve gained a little weight. How do you feel about it?”

You are not making a judgment, just an observation. They most likely have also already made this observation too and have an opinion about it. If they are ready to change, this approach will allow them space to open up about it and seek encouragement/motivation from you…if they want it. Judgements and badgering are not effective.

Kristin (@StrawberryTech)
2 years 11 months ago

Well, I sent a groupon to my husband for the same gym that I go to, and committed to losing about 30lb this summer, he joined in and we are working on it together, healthy meals, smoothies, all that. He’s looking hot too 😉

B
B
2 years 11 months ago
After reading through these, I have a few thoughts, plus some to add. – If my husband said some of these passive-aggressive comments to me, I would be pissed off. They sound manipulative to me. Even if he started with “honey” or “sweetie”. Blech. – It’s interesting to me that it’s mostly (only?) women who commented about weight being out of their control. I’ve had 4 kids, an adrenal/thyroid issue and I still know that my weight is completely in my control. These are excuses, not reasons. – Exercise is great for the mind and body. I do it every… Read more »
Mary
Mary
2 years 11 months ago
I don’t think there is one perfect approach that will work for all partners. What worked for me happened maybe coincidentally. I started my own health and fitness efforts several years ago and talked about what changes I was making and why and what I was learning along the way. I ended up making meals that both of us could eat and my partner could supplement with additional foods that made the meal more complete for him that I was not eating (example fajitas – I could eat more salad, veggies and meat and less cheese, tortillas, etc. but he… Read more »
Jeff Tussey
Jeff Tussey
2 years 11 months ago

Stop using the word Diet! Rescramble the letters and it becomes edit! Just edit what you eat.

K
K
2 years 11 months ago
*NOTE: I would also like to preference everything I’m about to say with this — growing up, I was a chubby kid. Then I got athletic lost weight. Injuries, gained weight. I yo-yoed my whole life. I got teased for being fat when I was young. I STILL remember that, left a HUGE impression on my psyche until this day. Then, I went to college, was in a miserable relationship and the weight more than crept on. After that relationship, I went on to lose 55 lbs at my lowest weight. I now maintain at around a 50 lb loss… Read more »
Chavi Beck
2 years 10 months ago

Best comment on the page. Thanks K, for the thoughtful and REAL! response.

Simi
Simi
2 years 10 months ago

You and your husband’s dynamic is AMAZING. I enjoy the fact that he was comfortable enough to be honest and straightforward with you, without being rude. And I love how you were open and willing to hear what he said in the spirit that he intended it.

Graham
Graham
2 years 11 months ago

I would give them a card saying “If you love me you will die”, when they questioned me about it I would be shocked and embarrassed, I’d tell them “oh no, I missed off the ‘t’, that’s not as bad dying is it?”.

Chavi
2 years 10 months ago

Um, not a good idea. The reason weight loss is a sensitive topic is because discussing it feels like rejection. In using humor here, your goal should be to make your love feel loved and not-rejected. Not to display how clever you can be. Bruno’s suggestion below could work. But… “You’re fat and I wish you were dead. Ha ha, kidding kidding kidding! I don’t wish you were dead, I only wish you weren’t so fat.” Nope, not recommended.

Ruben
2 years 11 months ago
I would bet something big, like a nice holiday trip, that I could lose more weight than her. Proportionally, of course, so it would make it a big challenge for me, as I am not so far from my “ideal” weight and I’d also weigh more, despite her being fat (yeah, I said it). I am very competitive, so I’d encourage a little bit more designing a training program that doesn’t need a very strict schedule, just some intensity and being persistent. I would also cook for both, as I would be trying to get fitter too. Of course I… Read more »
Ryan
2 years 11 months ago
Wow, what a coincidence. I’ve been thinking about almost this exact same problem for months- except about my Dad, instead of a partner. I just ordered few highly recommended books on conversations and sales to get better at this. Please note, this is all hypothetical and I have not direct experience having this conversation myself. The first difficulty is knowing your partner is the kind of person with whom you can address this directly. Do they accept feedback? Do you have a relationship where you can talk openly about the hardest stuff in life? If so, I would say something… Read more »
Ryan
Ryan
2 years 11 months ago

Hah. I just noticed that I undercut my own authority with the last sentence of the first paragraph and the last sentence of the whole comment. Looks like I don’t believe in my own ability on this subject, even though, as I said, I’ve been looking into this for months.

Bryan
Bryan
2 years 11 months ago
Over-eating is typically a symptom of the real issue(s) at-hand. Most people know they’re screwing up their diet and don’t need to be reminded of that. So, the conversation is not going to be about eating less or doing more exercise; we’re going to attempt to uncover the root cause of the over-eating. Me: “How’s everything going lately?” Fatty: “Good. Why?” Me: “Just asking. I’ve been pretty stressed at work lately and it made me think about you and to see how everything’s going in your world.” Fatty: “Oh, well yeah I’ve actually been stressed out for a while now.… Read more »
Bryan
Bryan
2 years 11 months ago
Over-eating is typically a symptom of the real issue(s) at-hand. Most people know they’re screwing up their diet and don’t need to be reminded of that. So, the conversation is not going to be about eating less or doing more exercise; we’re going to attempt to uncover the root cause of the over-eating. Me: “How’s everything going lately?” Fatty: “Good. Why?” Me: “Just asking. I’ve been pretty stressed at work lately and it made me think about you and to see how everything’s going in your world.” Fatty: “Oh, well yeah I’ve actually been stressed out for a while now.… Read more »
Mavi
Mavi
2 years 11 months ago
This is a very sensitive issue for both men and women. From personal experience, husbands don’t like to be called “overweight” no matter who says it. So I told him that “I was fat and wanted to go on a diet” and “I wanted to look good for him” and “I need your help.” And my plan of attack included eating lots of vegetables and grains, red meat sporadically, more fish and chicken, only one fruit a day, and drinking lots of water. No hard liquor, only a small glass of red wine preferably. 1 cup of 1% milk. No… Read more »
Buckley Jeppson
Buckley Jeppson
2 years 11 months ago
All relationships are different. I have found that the straight-on honest approach works for us. I would tell him that we need to set a time to sit down and talk about something. At that time, I would say, “I love you very much and I want us to grow old together. Since being together we have both gained a bit of weight, but I notice that you have gained more that I, and that worries me. I hope it is because you are happy that we are together. But I realize it might also be stress or discontent. Am… Read more »
Ian Pickering
Ian Pickering
2 years 11 months ago
I would wait for my partner to say something to me- to identify the problem on their own. Regardless of how this comes up (energy, self-esteem level, etc), the next step is to empathize, and show support while validating my partners feelings. Maybe like: them-“I am so tired of feeling like crap lately” me-“Yeah, I have noticed you just don’t seem like yourself- what do you think is making you feel like that?” Open up the COMMUNICATION, not manipulation. eventually, as the dialog continues, it will naturally reach the point where a discussion of the present can move into discussion… Read more »
Helene
Helene
2 years 11 months ago
It’s the first time I participate because your question really challenges me. How can I help someone do something? I don’t know! So I read your suggestions of articles. This reminded me that a few years ago I read this book by Alan Carr on how to stop smocking; not because I smoke, but because a good friend of mine stopped smocking after she read the book and was fine. Just before she read the book she told me she knew she had to quit smoking but that it felt like losing her best friend! I wanted to understand what… Read more »
mark grove
2 years 11 months ago
Ramit, you don’t know me and have never seen me. But for most people working out is a waste of time. They’ll make a half-assed attempt at it and quit. Most people will never do it period!!! The people who succeed are the ones like me willing to workout hard, not easy,educate themselves and eat properly. Eating is the biggest issue, and if you don’t have that down, you’ll never succeed. Ask your fitness trainer friends. I know you have some fitness trainers on your list. If they tell you that working out is what you should focus on and… Read more »
Meikaela
Meikaela
2 years 11 months ago
Be thoughtful about how you introduce the issue: Use compassionate language to avoid feelings of attack or accusation, but be honest and direct -“So I know that you’ve been really busy with work, stressed out about school, feeling confused about your next steps” (Acknowledge whatever you think a root cause might be to show you aren’t on the attack) -“I’ve noticed it’s really taken a toll on your health. You have a lot less energy, you’ve gained a decent amount of weight, overall you don’t seem like yourself”, etc. (Be honest, but not brutally so. If you tell your partner… Read more »
Logan
Logan
2 years 11 months ago

It’s not about what you say, it’s about what you DO. Buy and cook healthy food. Keep up a regular exercise routine, and invite your partner along without judgment or attitude (“hey, I’m going for a walk — wanna come?”). Telling someone they NEED to do something is the quickest way to get them to want to do the exact opposite. Modeling the lifestyle you want your partner to adopt will work better than any words you might use.

Brentus Perea
Brentus Perea
2 years 11 months ago
Baby, I wanna talk with you about something important. I work with patients at the hospital who have very bad diseases and ailments like diabetes etc. It all begins with excessive weight gain. Your energy level is dramatically less than it use to be and that is a potential warning sign. Obviously you have gained weight and we joke about it, but I am worried about your health and well being. I want you to be healthy so we can enjoy our future kids and grand kids. Lets lose some weight and engage in healthier living habits. I have learned… Read more »
Lauren
2 years 11 months ago
I just went through this successfully. Here’s what happened: my husband had put on about 40lbs and wasn’t particularly motivated. He was grouchy too which wasn’t fun either. I was going to an event for entreprenuers in NYC and found out I could bring a guest. I asked him if he wanted to go, he said no. After some begging and berating over a 2 week period he finally said yes. While there, we met a really cool woman who was doing incredibly well in the weight loss realm because she too had struggled to lose weight but then found… Read more »
Samuel Doualle
Samuel Doualle
2 years 11 months ago
To achieve successful behavioral change, I would use these 3 components: – motivation – ability – triggers And turn it into an efficient system to impact my partner’s mental frameworks partner and create a common daily habit Of course, the first part (motivation) is the most difficult Here is how I would do it: Motivation I would not approach the problem by directly criticizing my partner’s behavior and appearance I would start by expressing my own legitimate feelings : “Honey, I have observed you for a while now and I must admit I am quite affected by the fact your… Read more »
Jeremy
Jeremy
2 years 11 months ago
I’d lead by example. Obviously a conversation has to be had… And that’s probably the most difficult first step. So first thing I would do is suggest going out to dinner or cooking a healthy meal together during the prep time (or when ordering drinks) i would bring up my desire for a personal lifestyle change… Wanting to eat healthier and be more active… Talk about how much better I feel when I eat healthy and ask if they notice a change in energy level when they eat healthier and are more active. Tell them about a diet you’ve been… Read more »
Eliana
Eliana
2 years 11 months ago
I would choose a private, comfortable time and say something direct, but non-judgmental like “I know you like my cooking, seems like you’ve put on some weight in the past few years.” I would wait for their response. To gauge how they feel about the gain and my mentioning it. I’d want to find out if they truly desired to lose it or not. I do not want the person to say they do just for my benefit, because it would never happen and lead to resentment. If they do want to lose it, I’d ask how I could be… Read more »
Matthew
2 years 11 months ago
“Babe, you want me to design you a program? Do you know what ketosis is? Once you start looking at food like “that’ll spike my cortisol” or “this help reduce inflammation” then the intolerable hunger will disappear and you’ll have beautiful, flowing energy. ” Where do we begin? She says. We need all the tools! Healthy fats, ketosis plan, proper food protocol… “I’m too busy” she replies. Once you complete this fasting process and detoxification, your mental energy and attentive abilities will skyrocket! It really is as simple as getting the best fats possible, forcing your liver to spit out… Read more »
Eric
Eric
2 years 11 months ago

My wife said the following on a regular basis:
“Well one of us weighs the same as on our wedding day” 🙂

Totally worked on me after ~1yr of hearing this over and over. I lost the 20+ lbs. . .

Matt
Matt
2 years 11 months ago

Don’t have the conversation, slowly change the diet by shopping for better foods. Lead by example with the diet without nagging them. Cut down on your own drinking. Start tricking them into getting more active with you be it walks sport gardening sex whatever. Make it automatic and unnoticeable over time.

Tiffany
Tiffany
2 years 11 months ago
There is no one-size-fits-all (pardon the pun) answer for this scenario. There are guidelines, but no clear path to the desired outcome. There is no script for this, as badly as many people would want one. You can’t bring it up. You have to wait for them to bring it up. How they bring it up determines your response. At which time you would say things like “What are your ideas? What do you think would work for you? How can I help you?” Asking these questions encourages them to take control. They have to initiate the conversation because it… Read more »
Michael
Michael
2 years 11 months ago

“I’d like to spend more time with you, and I’m also trying to get more exercise. Would you be willing to go on a light hike or brisk walk with me every morning? It would really help me out and it would be nice to spend time with you away from all other distractions.”

Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago

awesome!! I like this one

Tracy
Tracy
2 years 11 months ago
I lost 40 pounds, my husband of 28 years gained 30. We have been married far to long and I am too direct to play games. I told him that I love him, but he is making himself sick. He is eating unhealthy food and immense portions. I made sure that he is aware of what he eats and I try to make sure that he has any tools available that may help him. I bought him a Fitbit and we challenge each other by watching the stats. He has not lost much weight, but he is at least aware… Read more »
Monika
2 years 11 months ago
“My Dear, Ive noticed some changes in your weight in the last year or two. Are you okay? Is there something that you need to talk about?” Then Listen Listen Listen. Perhaps therapy or a retreat or hikes. Then “Would you like to workout together a couple of times per week? I’m so turned on by you when you’re all sweaty..then we can go home and play in the shower after.” Sexy eyes. Watch the documentary FatHead together, cook and plan Paleo/Nourishing Traditions meals together, attend cross fit or similar, have more sex to burn calories (even if I dont… Read more »
Marie
Marie
2 years 11 months ago
Currently in this situation, although we have been together 10 years instead of 3. Here are the things that 3-7 years in to the relationship, did NOT work: 1) Got a personal trainer, was super motivated, lost some weight, but gained it all back when his trainer (also a good friend) moved away. 2) Dieted several times. Lost some weight, but then started feeling awesome about loosing the weight and went back to old habits. Gained weight back. 3) I had him do weekly weigh-ins because he kept saying “everyone says I look thinner” when he really wasn’t. Result, he… Read more »
Shannon Lagasse
2 years 11 months ago

You are ON IT, girl! Getting to the bottom of why he’s eating is the most important thing you can do. Kudos to you for noticing that and helping him out by being loving, firm, and compassionate!

Shannon Lagasse
2 years 11 months ago
This is a really great question, one I’ve been on both sides of. My partner was not very supportive of my slow yet steady weight-loss process and now he is in the position of overeating. Having been an emotional eater and having been overweight, I know that the weight isn’t just about eating too much or being lazy. It’s about some underlying emotional issue. Here is how I would approach it (and am approaching it) with my partner: “Hey honey. Can we talk? You know I love you to pieces and want the best for you. I’m noticing that you’ve… Read more »
AY
AY
2 years 11 months ago
Not in a relationship so I can’t really think of things I would say specifically. In general, there are two different issues that I think need to be dealt with here. The first issue is the cause of the weight gain. Weight gain could have come from the loss of a positive pressure (I need to stay thin because the wedding is coming up) or an increase in negative pressure (Things aren’t going well at work and I can’t seem to figure out why. It would take several conversations to try to get them to open up about what the… Read more »
Jessica
Jessica
2 years 11 months ago

He knew he’d gained weight when he went to the doctor and got weighed. Eventually I bought a scale. When I told him he said, somewhat joking, “Now I have to know how fat I am!” I told him it was for me and just left it in the bathroom. I didn’t say anything else. Some time later he mentioned, on his own, that his weight hadn’t changed since his doctor weigh-in. (He was glad it wasn’t continuing to go up.) Just the other day he said he was down five pounds.

YMMV.

Jessica
Jessica
2 years 10 months ago

And today he actually called me into the bathroom to show he was down another pound. I swear I did nothing but buy a scale.

Chavi
2 years 10 months ago

A scale makes a big difference; it’s instant accountability. Even if you avoid stepping on it, that in itself is a poke in the ribs. Unfortunately I can’t keep mine in the bathroom (no room + kids would shower it daily) but thanks for the reminder, I will find another good place to keep it.

Bruno
Bruno
2 years 11 months ago

Some night Ill say: Baby, I love your belly! And she/he would say: are you calling me fat! Then I answer: No! just saying that I love your belly! And she/he would say/think : I have to go to gym… And Ill say: ye me too, lets go “belly baby! ” and then you repeat it when you need it 😉 just for motivation!

Nick Wyman
Nick Wyman
2 years 11 months ago
The first thing I would do is change what kinds of foods she is exposed to/has easy access to. So I would volunteer to cook and do the grocery shopping. That way, she sees it as a plus (I’m doing stuff for her), and I gain control over what kinds of foods are available in the house. As for exercise, I would try and find out an activity that she enjoys doing, but also requires some physical activity. Some sort of action where her first thought is “fun”, instead of “exercise”. For me, that is racquetball, but whatever works for… Read more »
Kacie
2 years 11 months ago
I’d probably start the conversation by pointing to something like this post. I’d ask my husband (who, btw is fit and doesn’t need to change a thing!) how he’d approach the topic. Starting in generalities first to get the topic out there, and then bringing it down to the individual level might be the most non-confrontational approach. If it were me with the weight issue, hmm. I think I’d want my husband to say something like, “I love you, and you’re still as beautiful as the day we got married. I want us to have a long and healthy life… Read more »
George L
George L
2 years 11 months ago
Being someone who has recently lost 65+ lbs, I’d suggest the following (assuming you live with your partner) – 1. Start doing the grocery shopping (if you don’t already) and become more conscious of what is bought – looking for healthy alternatives to what you already eat. Don’t make drastic changes. 2. Do the cooking and provide portion control of what is made – if it isn’t on the table then it can’t be eaten. 3. Pack them a lunch for work. No sense giving them an excuse to go out for lunch. 4. Ask them to join you on… Read more »
Maria Luisa
2 years 11 months ago

“Come here sexy, you know Ive liked you since day one, the only thing that would make you sexier would be some abs”

dont over think it.

Juliet
2 years 11 months ago
I’m watching my parents go through this right now, and while I strongly agree with the folks suggesting that the concerned party take responsibility for shopping and cooking, I also think it’s really important to help your partner cope with emotional/psychological issues that may underlie the weight gain. In my parents’ case, my Dad has been working way too hard and has become very run-down, so my mother’s insistence that he stop working Saturdays has made a huge difference. They are also incentivizing exercise with a planned hiking trip in Peru — he’ll have to be in better shape to… Read more »
Mo Kay
Mo Kay
2 years 11 months ago

I would suggest they keep a food diary for a week of their normal eating. I would then tell them to take a look at the items that were “worst” and try and come up for healthy alternatives. E.g if they don’t want to give up their French fries, suggest they do baked ones or baked sweet potato fries. I would also suggest that they do 30 minutes of movement for one day a week and incrementally increase it.

Bunsinspace
Bunsinspace
2 years 11 months ago

Ramit,

I would not know what to say because I cannot even motivate myself consistently.

sheena
sheena
2 years 11 months ago

I would ask him if something is wrong. To gain 35 lbs over 3.5 years may mean your partner is depressed….probably about the relationship. You may have to go for counseling. Find the source of the depression and maybe the weight problem may take care of itself.

Ramiro
Ramiro
2 years 11 months ago
I lost 120 lb’s I found out the problem was my eating not my lack of exercise. My fat melted off after I ate regular balanced meals and more water less junk. I did not exercise to loose all that fat, not once. Concerning my partner gaining 35 pounds I would: 1. Analyze the source of the problem. Mostly it is a bad eating habit. Maybe it is the problem is the both of us except my metabolism is better, since we eat together mostly. Find a compromise between the both of us and eat healthier foods together and find… Read more »
Whtiney
Whtiney
2 years 11 months ago
35 lbs is enough that it’s probably an emotional issue. And losing extra weight like that is relatively easy: you just have to walk a few times a week, drink water instead of coke, and generally care about taking care of yourself. I say the answer is always unconditional love. If you stop saying anything judgmental about them and start showing more affection for them in your eyes and actual physical affection, it will be a lot easier to convince them to go on a romantic nighttime stroll (aka 40 minutes of walking) with you. Also, your affection has to… Read more »
Lisa Dent
2 years 11 months ago
Over the last three years I have lost 35kilos. It was Boxing Day and I went to try and buy some clothes. The choice in the large size dept was so awful and I did not fit into anything that was my style. That mirror was showing me how awful I looked. The weight had crept on over the past 15 or so years, just a few kilos each year. My then husband would badger me constantly about it but almost as a negative reaction I would take no notice of him. I knew that the weight was a constant… Read more »
Tianna
2 years 11 months ago
In the beginning, I nagged my boyfriend to change his eating habits and drink more water as well as work out more because I had gained weight since we started dating due to eating with him and spending time with him that was mostly sedentary, but all he did was continue his life as if I never said anything. It caused more fights than I can count. What has helped us the most is that I eventually stopped hassling him about any of it and worked on myself by myself. I wanted to live healthier and eat better so I… Read more »
Alicia
Alicia
2 years 11 months ago
From previous posts and personal info I’m thinking you have to make it automatic, easy and sexy. How do you talk about such a thing for weight loss without seeming like an ass? And reading all the responses we’re all apparently experts on this 😉 I’ll give it a go, maybe say this, “Honey what sports or games did you play when you were a kid? I’ve been wanting to get out of the house and do something fun let’s do that” and then put in on the schedule once or twice a week, maybe the fun and joy will… Read more »
CL
CL
2 years 11 months ago
Some of these people are insane and others are thoughtful and gentle enough to help their partners take off some of the weight. Speaking as someone who has been on the other side of this issue (my ex-boyfriend constantly criticizing anything anytime that I ate ever), I’ll warn you that telling a girlfriend that she can’t eat multi-grain cereal (and then feeding me pie) or telling her that she’s killing helpless little animals (vegetarian) is not a way to a loving relationship. If I were seriously concerned with someone else’s weight gain (which I certainly have been), I would only… Read more »
Steve
Steve
2 years 11 months ago

Weight is pretty high on the drama scale in relationships, and talking to people about their weight is explosive in nature. I like the big story approach to work on increasing their activity level around a goal such as a 100mile bike ride or a tri or a 10k. Its not easy to simply start training for a 10k, so it requires a gradual walking partnership to kick start the process.

Zeus Yiamouyiannis
2 years 11 months ago
Ramit, you are getting to me. Now I don’t answer without doing my research… I did my research: I looked up and listened to the BJ Fogg interview (http://earn1k.com/privatelist/bj-fogg-webcast) to see what you are getting at. From my notes on the interview, there are important “don’t do” principles, and important “to do” principles. These have been tested, so it is just a matter of applying them smartly. Summarized, don’t try to persuade using outside pressure, demanding big steps, criticizing: “Don’t do” principles: 1) Don’t persuade through attitude or motivation adjustment (behavior change drives motivation not the other way around) 2)… Read more »
Pat
Pat
2 years 11 months ago

Will you marry me?

Zeus Yiamouyiannis
2 years 11 months ago

Also forgot to mention two important environmental variables and two triggers. Environment: 1) setting time for sleep with reading or other non electronic stimulation before bed, 2) running with a social group or partner once you have worked your way up. Triggers: 1) small plates and utensils will absolutely fool your mind into thinking you are eating more than you are because we psychologically gauge amount through comparison and proportion NOT absolute amounts, 2) ten minute back rub or foot rub for your partner before bed (and then work your way up)!

Brian
Brian
2 years 11 months ago
Of course diet and exercise should be monitored and evaluated with weight gain, but a 35 pound weight gain over a relatively short time is almost always the result of a change in mental health status. Either a new mental health issue has surfaced or something in my partner’s environment is causing her excessive levels of stress, anxiety or depression. The key is to determine the trigger for this and it is not always obvious or clear. It is crucial to get them to a mental health professional for treatment and I would consider getting her involved in at least… Read more »
Brian
Brian
2 years 11 months ago

(cont’d) If her weight gain makes you think about whether or not you still find her attractive and has ANY effect on your feelings for her, then you should not be with her…..She deserves someone with more class and sophistication than you!!

Margaret Schneider
Margaret Schneider
2 years 11 months ago

Give a reward for good results. In my case I was the fat one. My now ex tortured me daily about my weight. I decided I needed a divorce. I didn’t want to be single and fat so I started exercising. The verbal abuse I received from him only crystallized my resolve. I have kept the weight off. My reward keeps paying off every day.

Bob Rowell
Bob Rowell
2 years 11 months ago
My dear Partner, it pains me to bring up this sensitive topic, but I love you so much that I’m going to risk it. Are you happy about your weight? [I won’t be surprised if I must explain my concerns and assuage my partner’s sensitivity and defensive reaction. But I expect that my partner will actually share my concerns.] I don’t want you to go on a diet, and I’m not pushing for you to join a gym. And no matter what, it won’t change how much I love you. If you were to lose extra pounds, though, I would… Read more »
Heather Shannon
2 years 11 months ago
I’m a recovering compulsive eater and work with other compulsive eaters as part of my job. Weight is a super sensitive issue for a lot of people and as some have mentioned, they already know they’ve gained the weight, they’re not happy about it and they know what they need to change. It’s easier for me to talk about with clients because it’s a lot less loaded than it would be with a significant other. Still, what I’ve noticed is that the way I work with clients is so much more effective. I meet them where they’re at and help… Read more »
Samantha
Samantha
2 years 11 months ago
I’m currently in this situation. My boyfriend and I talk about it quite openly. We started small by consistently reading food labels and selecting items with lower sodium content. The second step we took was reading ingredients and selecting foods that have items we recognize and seem to have the higher quality ingredients listed first. I found that these two steps have already made us consciously want to eat whole foods and less processed stuff. My next step, which is quite large to me, is trimming down on the amount of wheat foods we eat. This is the hardest for… Read more »
Chris
Chris
2 years 11 months ago

I’d purchase sessions with a personal trainer for the partner and give it as a gift.

chavi
chavi
2 years 10 months ago

no problem, except for the ‘as a gift’ part. Ugh.

MrsG
MrsG
2 years 11 months ago
Are you reading my mind? Because this is exactly what me and my partner are going through right now. I’ve gained 20 lbs and I think he has gained about 30 in the almost 3 years we’ve been together. We both noticed at the same time I guess because we were feeling tired all the time and buying bigger pants. We work together, but have not made any solid strides in losing weight, and I think he has actually gained weight. We have a problem with sticking to a program. We both have gym memberships and never go, and finally… Read more »
Rama
Rama
2 years 11 months ago
Before I even broach this subject with my partner, I will look at three things: a) **I will set my own expectations about my partner right.** What do I mean by that? If they are 35lbs overweight, I will not expect them to lose this weight in 1 year, leave alone a few months. I will see this as a minimum of a two-year plan. And, it will be our plan not just his issue. Once my expectations are clarified, I will not be the force that acts as external pressure on them to “achieve targets”. Also, this way, any… Read more »
Thuvy
Thuvy
2 years 11 months ago
I tell him, that I seems to put on some weights lately, no energy, etc. I want to lose some weights and learn to eat healthy. But “I can’t do it myself, would you please help me?” How you can help me is being supportive. Being supportive? That means, be my partner. Eat with me.Walk with me either in the morning or at nite, so we can spend quality times together. Then I slowly trade-in the unhealthy food for the healthy food in the pantry. Cook dinner for us, pack lunches. Ask him to walk around the block with me… Read more »
Jason
Jason
2 years 11 months ago

what I would do is start doing healthy things in a secret way.
1. Start going to stores that makes you have to do alot of walking..
2. Volunteer to cook more, but when you cook you add healthy things to the meals, healthy seasonings etc.
3. I would start watching healthy shows that show people doing energetic things.. also would start leaving motivational books and literature around the house,

with these and other sneaky things, she would then find motivation and bring up losing weight.. then I would really kick it to a new level..

Amy
Amy
2 years 11 months ago
This actually happened to me. In paraphrase, what worked was: “Honey, I’ve decided to give up sugary soft drinks. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on them and I think they’re really bad for me. Could you support me doing this by not getting any in the house grocery shop?”. He agreed, and because he was helping me out, he started making other small changes as well. He gave up sugar soft drinks entirely, and started losing weight with a week. Eventually, he began to think of himself as someone who ‘eats healthy’, and started paying attention to calories… Read more »
janie hanson
janie hanson
2 years 11 months ago

Because I’m perceptive and kind, our conversation – and the weight gain – won’t be some bizarre-o Surprise!

We would listen. We would talk. Contemplation would occur.

The convo would naturally progress into a strategy planning session, because I’m weird and they do. We’d both have read the new ‘Habits’ blockbuster, either directly or through some other miscellaneous source of geekdom. And our powers combined would produce the most fantastical gradual, systematic, and highly individualized] plan for sustainable weight loss.

Then we’d get oily and I’d giggle their big ol’ booty. We’d watch ‘John Carter of Mars’ and laugh our assets off. 😉

Sheryl
Sheryl
2 years 11 months ago
First understand the dynamics of this conversation. It is very personal. It has deep ramifications for your loved one as well as your relationship so proceed with only love and no judgement. Make sure that when you approach this subject it’s not when they are distracted or will feel attacked. 1) Honey, I was wondering if we could talk about something. Is everything okay? I have been noticing, and it causing me to become concerned, that you have been making some choices that are putting your health at risk. Ensuing conversation… 2) How can I help? e.g. Make a doctor’s… Read more »
Jeannie Bertoli
2 years 11 months ago
Such amazing and thoughtful responses (for the most part) so far. 🙂 As someone who’s struggled with my own weight (more like 10-15 lbs) and is a Marriage & Family Therapist, I’ll only say that one solution does not fit all people. I’d talk to him about it and ask what he needs to feel supported. I’d say that I love him and that it’s important to me that we want similar lifestyles and activity levels. Health and healthy choices are an effort in our world, and we both know food is designed to make us fat and addicted…AND THEN… Read more »
Paul Weinberger
Paul Weinberger
2 years 11 months ago

“Hey, I want to eat more greens, especially a salad every couple of days. But I can’t use a whole by myself without the extra lettuce getting rotten. Could we make salads 3x per week as part of dinner. I can choose some things to add in like black olives and you can pick a couple things. We also save some time by making the same dinner food for us both.” (floss one tooth technique and making it about me, not the partner).

Liz Levenson
Liz Levenson
2 years 11 months ago
I might broach the subject in a way that would allow us both to consider ourselves and out roles in the relationship. I would say something like, “Do you remember that spark we had when we first start started dating? All that excitement and we just couldn’t keep our hands off one another? I know that part of our relationship is over, but what if we tried to bring it back? What could we do to revive it? What would that look like?” That opens the door for all kinds of discussion about heating the relationship back up, rediscovering who… Read more »
Raffaele
Raffaele
2 years 11 months ago
Without going into too much detail, it would be beneficial to assess where my partner is by using the Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change. If your partner is on the Pre-contemplation stage of this change, the only thin you can do is drop non-judge mental hints of behavior change tactics. If you show a genuine interest in improving your partner’s health, they will usually understand the intention behind your inquiry. If he or she receives this message we, there may be ways to help your partner move into the Contemplation stage of behavioral change. Ultimately, remember that it is not… Read more »
Skye
Skye
2 years 11 months ago

Just a thought, not sure how the word “partner” become the word Americans use for the person they Love, but as we move into corporate de-humaization globalization, I really suggest a more loving term for the person we are with…..and “significant other” is about the absolute worst term some human unit came up with….. so with this new loving perspective, its much easier to encourage your love to become more healthy and lose weight:-) just a thought

Timothy Moser
2 years 11 months ago
For me, as difficult a subject as this is, it can be reduced to three phases. (1) First, I would determine, in as tactful a way as possible, if they are actually interested in improving their health or body image. Overweight people who are willfully blind to any issues regarding their weight would only take any offers of help as negative. There has to be some awareness of the problem in the first place; otherwise they’ll see any mention of the subject as motivated from selfish desires and dissatisfactions on my part, even if my motive is for their own… Read more »
Bruce
Bruce
2 years 11 months ago
I would ask them what they thought of my recent goals and ask them to share what they are working on and why. I would give my full attention and ask them what was going well, what was stuck and what they needed to do better. Then I would ask them what I could do to help them get to the next check point in the process. I would tell them if I could do all they requested then I would ask if I could suggest something if they said yes then, I would reference Dr. John Ratey’s work that… Read more »
Abby
Abby
2 years 10 months ago
I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I don’t think small changes add up to big changes. I think it wastes people’s time and they lose momentum before any big achievements have happened – which makes it easier to lose motivation. I think I would say, I love you, I’m worried about you, and I’m concerned about our relationship. I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed like yourself for quite some time, and I need you to know that I want to help. I understand the struggle of being ruled by cravings. I believe people struggle with gaining weight because our… Read more »
Timothy
2 years 10 months ago

My problem with that is that it sounds extremely condescending from start to finish.

You’re working from the assumption that the other person doesn’t know anything and is completely incapable of taking care of themself, so you have to control them. You aren’t working WITH them, you’re doing everything TO them. And if you argue, “they obviously don’t know what they’re doing if they’re gaining weight”, I would contend that just because they don’t have all the answers doesn’t mean you do.

If you want to convey concern and respect, you have to show genuine humility.

Carmen
Carmen
2 years 10 months ago

I would ask if we could sit down and talk at specific time (choosing the right time is important)

Then I would affirm 1 or 2 specific good/ qualities about that person, but ask “WHY are you gaining weight? What’s going on?”

May be a little jarring, or may sound offensive, but weight gain is a coping mechanism and a root usually exists.

Pat
Pat
2 years 10 months ago

I agree with Carmen. Gaining weight is not about the weight. I would talk about what is going on in their life and try to pinpoint when the weight gain began to see if there is a correlation.

Yevhen Brzhesskyy
Yevhen Brzhesskyy
2 years 10 months ago

Ramit, there cannot be a universal answer that would be both applicable to men AND women. Let me explain: women and men perceive each other’s attractiveness differently: men dig beauty; females dig powerful men.

As far as my answer for a hetero male:
“If you respect and want to make me happy – you need to lose excess weight otherwise I do not see us together long-term.”

Sara
2 years 10 months ago

That is crazy talk. There are plenty of big people in intimate relationships. You can’t threaten to quit over a challenge. That’s certainly not a strong/powerful man. Real life is not how it is depicted on television.

Timothy
2 years 10 months ago

I’m with Sara here… You’re missing the whole question. It’s about how to bring up the issue in an effective way, not how to end the relationship because the other person doesn’t “make you happy”. That’s horrible.

Everyone, check out Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People” for some ideas. It’s one of the most important classics in the self-improvement literature (and one of the earliest), and it addresses exactly this issue, though you have to apply the principles uniquely per situation.

Sara
2 years 10 months ago
I think it’s important to check yourself first! A lot of people would like to lose weight but someone in the house is always bringing home soda, cookies, bread, and encouraging skipping meals. They think healthy eating means withholding from everyone. I go through this with my Dad because he’ll skip meals and doesn’t like to drink water. Also, sometimes people who need to loose weight have to eat more so it looks like they’re spending even more on food. A lot of bigger people won’t eat all day and then they’ll binge on a HUGE meal. If I had… Read more »
Mitch
Mitch
2 years 10 months ago
The first step is researching some weight loss techniques that seem promising. I’ve struggled with weight before, so I know a few things: 1, all calories are not created equal. 2, certain foods will give you endless cravings for empty calories later in the day. 3, neither diet nor exercise works very well on its own, but when combining the two, there are “disproportionate results”. 4, if you can identify the foods from #2, willpower does work, at least in short bursts. 5, Losing 30 pounds over a period of 4 weeks works better in keeping the weight off than… Read more »
Mitch
Mitch
2 years 10 months ago
Wow, this was a big wall of text I wrote. What’s interesting is I was able to draw much of what I wrote from things I learned from your site, as well as experiences gained in trying to apply it in real life situations. For example, I had an interview about a week ago, and by the second question I was able to impress the guy with what I’d learned from maybe 30 minutes of researching the position online (by which I mean not technically even researching, just googling the company). He spent the rest of the interview explaining to… Read more »
Apoorv
2 years 10 months ago
I also think that after 35lbs of weight gain I don’t need to tell explicitly to my girlfriend to lose weight. She already knows that & she must be trying herself to lose weight also. First I would just get rid of all junk food from the house. I believe 80% of fat loss is what you put in body so I would not focus on exercise. Second I will ask her for her favorite food & just automate healthy food delivery for both of us. Third to see if we are getting our money’s worth we would check our… Read more »
Megan
2 years 10 months ago

It doesn’t sound like you’re actually facing a situation where you or your girlfriend wants/needs to lose weight, but if you ever do, I would recommend against checking your weight daily. That way lies madness. Weight fluctuates daily based on what you ate the day before, etc.

If you are going to try to track your weight, it’s better to check it at MOST once a week, first thing in the morning. And the best thing to do is check it once a month.

Megan
2 years 10 months ago
This is actually not a hypothetical situation in my life. I’ve been with my partner for 10.5 years. We’ve been married for 4 of those. In that time, he’s gained 40 lbs. I don’t find him less attractive, but I am worried about his long-term health. I’ve tried many different solutions over the years (although I’ve never said “OMG, you just need to lose weight!!!”), bur nothing I’ve done to encourage my husband to get healthier has worked. I have maintained a healthy weight during this time. My suggestions over the years have run the gamut: I’ve suggested we work… Read more »
Watchin It
Watchin It
2 years 10 months ago
Don’t talk about it, do it. Sneak in tiny habits, e.g., do active things when you’re together – rave about how much you enjoy doing (active things) with Q; when you’re eating together, prepare or obtain tasty, satisfying, low energy-density food – rave how much you enjoy sharing this food with Q. When Q starts having more energy and/or firming up. Rave about how about how nice Q looks (truthful though and NO mention about previous condition) or how healthy/energetic Q is. Subtle, small, consistent – like water carving rocks. Not sure this would work with your personality, though. Q… Read more »
Morris M Burns
2 years 10 months ago
Scenario: MY partner is 40 pounds overweight, does not like general exercise, does like to eat healthy but loves junk food too, and does not feel sexy at all. A: I would sit my partner down and ask one simple question: Are you completely happy? If not what do YOU want to change and how do you want to do it? How can I help you do it? I would not want to set goals, I think losing weight is a lifestyle change not a goal. If they said YES, they were happy with how things were, then so be… Read more »
Ole Hansen
Ole Hansen
2 years 10 months ago
I’m not sure I agree with all the subtleness. Changing enviroments, small encouragements. It’s like there’s an elephant in the room and no one wants to talk about it. Couples should learn to talk about the hard things too. All this avoidance is not going to work, in my oppionen. I would go for a more direct approach. It has to be said with a smile, positive voice and with genuine care: “Baby, you are getting big and lazy.It’s not that attractive and it’s not who you are. It’s time we do something about it. Are you up for that?”… Read more »
Md. Khursed alom
2 years 10 months ago
Sir/Madam, To, the richest people in the world. Sub: prayer for help money for your fund. I beg most respectfully state that. I am Md. Khursed alom from Bangladesh. I come from a very poor family. My mother is so sick. His both kidney are damage due to 26 year’s. His treatment so expensive. My self from a middle class family, I need $50,000 dollars. Hope I get some help. Wish to get settled a see the best future and give the best to family. Help me, there after u finish up with the poor once, and at the last… Read more »
M
M
2 years 10 months ago
Good timing: my boyfriend and I just had a similar talk, started by me. He is not in fact overweight what-so-ever – seriously, if I posted his picture, I would guess 9/10 people would say he looks fine and maybe the other 1/10 would say he could put on more muscle. My concern was that he’s slowly moving into a sedentary lifestyle. I like to think we have an open, honest relationship (doesn’t everyone say that? 😉 So the way I brought it up was with his comments about his fitness level. One of the things he has been saying… Read more »
Daniel
Daniel
2 years 10 months ago
I use a subtle approach that works really well for me. Its based on the idea that your partner ultimately wants to be desired sexually by you. I’ve found that women actually crave it, and long for it. For example, Have you ever told a girl she looks great in a certain hairstyle and you start noticing she’s always wearing it. Same goes for a particular dress or outfit but get this!… I’ve even been able to use it to change other behaviors like cooking more, cleaning more etc. Basically I’ll say something along the lines of “Babe, your hair… Read more »
Malia
Malia
2 years 10 months ago
1. Acknowledege the awkwardness: “So I’m going to feel really uncomfortable talking about this, and you may feel uncomfortable hearing what I have to say, but after thinking it over, I’d rather have you be upset with me for being honest, rather than me keeping my mouth shut” 2. Dive In: “I’ve noticed that you’ve gained wait over the past year or so and I’m genuinely concerned about your health, not to mention your state of mind about the weight gain…What are your thoughts?” 3. Establish whether the person is ready to change: “Is this something you think you want… Read more »
Chris
2 years 10 months ago
Take a picture of her before she start training (she did it for me) and put it on the fridge and take a new pic every week or month and check the progress. (always leave the initial pic on the fridge) Pack healthy food for lunch, most of the time he will eat it. Take danse class or something we both need to work together. Danse is great because we need to train outside of the course to get actual progress. So when one of us want to train the other usally do it even if he don’t want to.… Read more »
James
James
2 years 10 months ago
This is happening to me right now. I basically avoided the conversation and went to action. To teach my wife how to lead a healthier lifestyle I wanted her to learn 1 better eating habits and 2 to workout from time to time. I started by consistantly providing all kinds of healthy food requests for dinner mixed into some unhealthy foods that we regualry eat. I then started making full meals with stuff she liked to eat. Working out was a bit harder. Basically I started to work out a lot and said that I had so much more energy… Read more »
Paul Dimalanta
2 years 10 months ago
My 2 prong approach: 1) I would make their problem my problem then ask for their help help solve that problem. The hope is by analysing your problem, they might find steps in their own habits that seem manageable. “Hey Honey, I ate like a pig this weekend can you help me get back on track? Let’s walk to the farmers market so I can make a vegetarian lasagna” “Do these pants make me look fat, I need to lose 4 pounds, can you help me with that?” 2) I would use one of their interest and find an exercise… Read more »
Jennifer
2 years 10 months ago
Ironically, I just went through this situation with my husband in reverse. That is, I was the one who had gained weight, and it was a lot more than 35 lbs. Having been there, I can share what worked for me. First of all I can tell you – all of the suggestions to change the diet and work out did nothing – even when he framed it in terms of wanting to do it for himself. I was tired, and felt horrible, and his comments about getting himself healthy just made me feel worse. What did work was his… Read more »
Shelley Meyerhoff
Shelley Meyerhoff
2 years 10 months ago
Have you tried taking your SO to coffee more? Coffee and grapefruit juice suppress appetite and cause their consumers to eat less throughout the day than they otherwise would. Whatever your esteemed man or lady friend is going through, adding more coffee to his/her diet might calm nerves while stifling those comfort-food-cravings. In addition to that, our bodies tell us that we are hungry when we are lacking in some kind of nutrient. Encouraging your significant other to eat vitamins or vitamin rich foods might be another fool-proof way to help them nip and tuck. My last item of advice… Read more »
Jeff Callahan
2 years 10 months ago
If my girlfriend had gained 35lbs: -She would at the very least be aware that she had put on weight. -She would more than likely verbalize it in some way shape or form. “I should go to the gym/eat better/be more active. The key is waiting for one of those moments and instead of “educating” her and making her feel judged and uncomfortable. I’d simply tell her the story of someone else I knew in a similar situation, how they were skeptical (voicing *her* objections) what they did, and how it helped them lose 30+lbs. Storytelling is a powerful method… Read more »
Adrien
Adrien
2 years 10 months ago

I read through some of these responses, and I would like to point out – I didn’t see anyone suggest there may be an underlying medical condition. People tend to assume weight gain or loss has to do with lifestyle, but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it is genetics. Sometimes it’s a medical condition such as hypothyroidism.

Maybe just tell your partner you’re concerned about them. Especially if they’ve gained the weight rapidly.

Rob Ramcharan
Rob Ramcharan
2 years 10 months ago
Simplest way to get somebody to lose weight is to lock them up away from the food. That doesn’t work for all sorts of reasons, and, depending on the circumstances, would be a felony. So, we have to rely on persuasion and example. First thing I’d do is look at myself and figure out whether or not I was doing something that contributed to the problem. If I’m doing to cooking that is causing my partner to get fat, I need to change my behavior in the kitchen. If I’m the one deciding on the restaurant when we go out,… Read more »
Sara
2 years 10 months ago
SHOWER THEM WITH PRAISES. When I first met my husband I was 15lbs heavier than I had ever been my stick figure life. But it was all he knew of me and he loved me as I was. He hated whenever I was self critical so I kept it to myself and used it as motivation to lose the weight, as if to say “oh yeah? You like ths? Wait till you see what I reeeeally look like!” 3yrs later baby #1 pops out. 4 more years later comes baby #2- actually that was just 2 months ago. And currently… Read more »
Chavi
2 years 10 months ago

Beautiful. I agree with Sara and Renee. Only a person who feels worthy and accepted will be ready to make big changes.
I liked this lady’s way of putting it:
If I glance at myself in the mirror, do I say, “Wow, look at that healthy, strong body that helps me meet my responsibilities”? Do I say, “Wow, look at that body that is the temple of the Holy Spirit”? Do I say, “Wow, look at that body that has been blessed to have given birth to several children”? (click my name for the link to the blog, not mine.)

Q smith
Q smith
2 years 10 months ago
Most relationships offer plenty of opportunities that can be leveraged into a desired conversation, but if you just can’t wait, tactful maneuvering works too… People go through phases in accepting change. Pick your favorite model (denial, resistance, curiosity, acceptance). The trick is to quickly get them to acceptance. It won’t work if it seems threatening. APPROACH 1: OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS – They say, “I need some new clothes.” – You reply, “Yeah, some of my favorite clothes just don’t feel comfortable anymore. I was thinking of taking on a new activity like hiking or scuba. Something that helps me get fit… Read more »
Q smith
Q smith
2 years 10 months ago
This is how I would set up a weight loss program Long ago, food was in short supply and it took a lot of energy to hunt and gather food. Our earliest ancestors barely survived, but they did, and we inherited their brain – the limbic system. Eventually we humans developed a conscious part of the brain, but all of us normal humans have something in common – our ancient limbic system tells all of us to eat, eat, eat even though food is now readily available. Worse, the limbic says eat sugar and fat – less work and more… Read more »
Karen
Karen
2 years 10 months ago
My sweetie struggles with his weight on an ongoing basis due to a combination of physical, psychological, and emotional issues. He frequently carries about an extra 35 pounds. His weight does not bother me, but I want him to be happy and fit enough to do the things that are important to him. FWIW: Here’s what what I have learned over 15+ years of being together: Small wins matter – giving up “cokes” put an initial dent in his weight and even a smaller one in mine. Deal with physical issues – get a check up. encourage and support regular… Read more »
Debt Blag
2 years 10 months ago

I’ve found that different people respond to different stimulus. While one person might react well to being told that the progress they’ve already made is very visible, another might prefer to be told nothing at all. Personally, I work hardest when people call me fat 🙂

Maggie
Maggie
2 years 10 months ago
I’d say that my boyfriend is kind of being the expert on this already – I’m about 20lbs heavier now than i like to be, and about 10-15lbs heavier than I was when we first met – and I’m not digging it. I’ve been seeing my energy lag and getting sad about myself in pictures, the whole nine. His response has been helpful and not condescending/teachery – he’s said things like ‘You’ve been talking about not liking the way you look – you’re not unhealthy and these pictures aren’t bad.’ Even if he is feeling less attracted to me, that’s… Read more »
Ramsey
Ramsey
2 years 10 months ago
It’s funny to see this particular topic now, because I happened to flip past an episode of King of Queens recently where the wife was broaching this exact issue with the husband (no idea their names) and as expected, feelings were hurt, it backfired in like 10 different ways, but it’s a sitcom so we all laughed along. The first thing that popped into my head when you posed the question is one of the aspects of successful networking that you often mention; namely that when you are ‘cold-calling’ or ‘cold-emailing’ someone in hopes of networking with them, you have… Read more »
Chavi
Chavi
2 years 10 months ago

Not bad. I like the ‘flip it’ concept IF done honestly. If you are truly ready to hear that there may be some difficult changes *you* should be making, that will help give you the humility to pull this off without being too hurtful.

Peg
Peg
2 years 10 months ago
Be honest about how you feel but be tactful. You’re concerned because of health but ask them what they think has changed. They may be stressed and emotionally eating. You could be adding to the problem if your preparing the meals. Seriously. I know I use to put way too much food on my husbands plate. And he told me that. So either he makes it himself or I usually put about half of what I normally would. He also would joke that when he has to do PT qualifications for work he is going to be cursing my name… Read more »
Jesús
Jesús
2 years 10 months ago

Hi All!

I just tell her why I love her, I just tell her every single reason why I love her, I just tell her every good moment we have together, I just tell her my most special dreams with her, after that, I tell her all the plans and dreams I want we both share.

Best!

Jesús

Ryan Hall
2 years 10 months ago
It seems many of the responses are focused on an action that they can get their partner to take. While a plan is necessary, perhaps the fact that you have to find a way to motivate change is being ignored. There is a reason this is happening and not reversing if you have to chat with them. I echo my response to Ryan above, why not just be honest. “Honey, you’ve gained some weight. I love you, but I find you less attractive, and am noticing that you are feeling less energy than normal. I know you’ve been under a… Read more »
Lu
Lu
2 years 10 months ago

I would be concerned. Many people overeat because of stress or emotional issues. I would find out out if there were things going on that were stressing him out. Work? Money? Us? Something he has been wanting to ignore or avoid? Something he’s afraid to talk about??

If everything was fine and he was happy how he is, then not being attracted anymore was really just my problem to deal with. I would focus on the aspects I am attracted to or figure out how to be still be attracted and passionate.

micki
micki
2 years 10 months ago
I so agree with Lu. I couldnt even go through all the responses because everyone is so focused on the other person instead of themselves. just because you try to say something nicely doesnt make it the thing to do. youre not telling that person anything they dont already know. maybe there is something wrong in the relationship that YOU should be doing, or not doing, as well. Showing someone pictures of perfect people you admire is setting them up for failure, and that careless attitude could be the very thing to cause a doubt in your partner,- leading your… Read more »
judishi
judishi
2 years 10 months ago
my other half is very wise. he sees me getting too plump and he says “i want to start eating differently.” a few weeks later, i’d catch a glance at myself in the mirror and i’d get the picture. Literally. he can’t tell me what to do and i can’t tell him what tto do. that’s probably why we’ve been together so long. but if he sets his mind on making a change i ll follow along. or if i’m the one who takes the lead, he’ll eat what i eat on my food plan and we talk to each… Read more »
Nicolle
Nicolle
2 years 10 months ago

Both my husband and I have lost weight this last year. I sat him down and told him we were going to watch a documentary by Michael Mosley ‘Eat, Fast and Live Longer’. Lining up the facts and showing the results in a way that he could work into his lifestyle has resulted in about 10kg and I’m hoping much, much better health. Leading by example and positive reinforcement didn’t hurt either.

Chavi Beck
Chavi Beck
2 years 10 months ago
One big thing nobody seems to have mentioned, except Kendra… Barriers. As others hhve stated, anyone who’s put on thirty five pounds likely knows it. Losing weight is a long and tiring struggle — so expect new barriers practically every DAY. A supportive wife/hub/etc can help take down those barriers, exactly the way Kendra’s husband, if he actually wanted a wife who was attractive, happy and healthy, would gladly watch the kids for an hour so she could walk/run. If he was as wise slash awesome as some commenters here, he’d then find her immediately gorgeous. And if he were… Read more »
Cat
Cat
2 years 10 months ago

This is certainly a toughie. I’ve tried being tactful. I’ve tried cooking better meals. I’ve tried the “let’s do this together” thing. People won’t change until they’re good and ready, so the key would be convincing the other party that they’re ready… and hypnosis is not my forte.

Fit Missy
2 years 10 months ago

It’s simple!

You get down and do the workouts with her =)

DD
DD
2 years 10 months ago

People can be really shallow.

CINDY WRIGHT
CINDY WRIGHT
10 months 16 days ago
This is a testimony of how my life was transformed financially by Dr.Lawrence Super Spell world and also of how my ex got back to me but before i give you my story , i will like to say this little thing , “It is not important who you are, what you look like, or what you do.Please know that everyone has a right to a place in the society and this you can work out EASY, FAST and SWIFT when you have a good spiiritual doctor like Dr.Lawrence email him today Drlawrencespelltrmple@hotmail. com You are in safe hands. he… Read more »
Jamie
Jamie
8 months 26 days ago
I have struggled with this topic. I have a fast metabolism, I can basically eat what I want and not gain weight. My parter of 4yr’s was a tad over weight when we got together, but only slightly over the BMI for his 6’2 frame. It did not bother me when he was only slightly overweight. However, over the years I would estimate that he’s packed on 50+lbs. Although he still has a cute face, I don’t prefer to look at him naked anymore, it’s past the point of a “Dad Bod” now. I love him and he treats me… Read more »
tbsbet
1 month 24 days ago

Salt is toxin to our bodies, and there are many harmful effects of a high salt diet. When we eat foods with high salt content-fries,

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